SIR JOHN What wind blew you hither, Pistol?

PISTOL

Not the ill wind which blows no man to good.

Sweet knight, thou art now one of the greatest men in

this realm.

SILENCE By‘r Lady, I think a be—but goodman Puff of Bar’son.

PISTOL Puff?

Puff in thy teeth, most recreant coward base!—

Sir John, I am thy Pistol and thy friend,

And helter-skelter have I rode to thee,

And tidings do I bring, and lucky joys,

And golden times, and happy news of price.

SIR JOHN I pray thee now, deliver them like a man of this world.

PISTOL

A foutre for the world and worldlings base!

I speak of Africa and golden joys.

SIR JOHN

O base Assyrian knight, what is thy news?

Let King Cophetua know the truth thereof.

SILENCE ⌈singing⌉

‘And Robin Hood, Scarlet, and John.’

PISTOL

Shall dunghill curs confront the Helicons?

And shall good news be baffled?

Then Pistol lay thy head in Furies’ lap.

SHALLOW Honest gentleman, I know not your breeding.

PISTOL Why then, lament therefor.

SHALLOW Give me pardon, sir. If, sir, you come with news from the court, I take it there’s but two ways: either to utter them, or conceal them. I am, sir, under the King in some authority.

PISTOL

Under which king, besonian? Speak, or die.

SHALLOW

Under King Harry.

PISTOL Harry the Fourth, or Fifth?

SHALLOW

Harry the Fourth.

PISTOL A foutre for thine office!

Sir John, thy tender lambkin now is king.

Harry the Fifth’s the man. I speak the truth.

When Pistol lies, do this, (making the fig) and fig me,

Like the bragging Spaniard.

SIR JOHN What, is the old King dead?

PISTOL

As nail in door. The things I speak are just.

SIR JOHN Away, Bardolph, saddle my horse! Master Robert Shallow, choose what office thou wilt in the land; ’tis thine. Pistol, I will double-charge thee with dignities.

BARDOLPH O joyful day!

I would not take a knighthood for my fortune.

PISTOL What, I do bring good news?

SIR JOHN (to Davy) Carry Master Silence to bed.

⌈Exit Davy with Silence⌉

Master Shallow—my lord Shallow—be what thou wilt, I am fortune’s steward—get on thy boots; we’ll ride all night.—O sweet Pistol!—Away, Bardolph!

⌈Exit Bardolph⌉

Come, Pistol, utter more to me, and withal devise something to do thyself good. Boot, boot, Master Shallow! I know the young King is sick for me. Let us take any man’s horses—the laws of England are at my commandment. Blessed are they that have been my friends, and woe to my Lord Chief Justice.

PISTOL

Let vultures vile seize on his lungs also!

‘Where is the life that late I led?’ say they.

Why, here it is. Welcome these pleasant days. Exeunt

5.4 Enter Beadles, dragging in Mistress Quickly and Doll Tearsheet

MISTRESS QUICKLY No, thou arrant knave! I would to God that I might die, that I might have thee hanged. Thou hast drawn my shoulder out of joint.

FIRST BEADLE The constables have delivered her over to me; and she shall have whipping-cheer, I warrant her. There hath been a man or two killed about her.

DOLL TEARSHEET Nut-hook, nut-hook, you lie! Come on, I’ll tell thee what, thou damned tripe-visaged rascal, an the child I go with do miscarry, thou wert better thou hadst struck thy mother, thou paper-faced villain.

MISTRESS QUICKLY O the Lord, that Sir John were come! He would make this a bloody day to somebody. But I pray God the fruit of her womb miscarry!

FIRST BEADLE If it do, you shall have a dozen of cushions again; you have but eleven now. Come, I charge you both go with me, for the man is dead that you and Pistol beat amongst you.

DOLL TEARSHEET I’ll tell you what, you thin man in a censer, I will have you as soundly swinged for this, you bluebottle rogue, you filthy famished correctioner! If you be not swinged, I’ll forswear half-kirtles.

FIRST BEADLE Come, come, you she knight-errant, come!

MISTRESS QUICKLY O God, that right should thus o’ercome might! Well, of sufferance comes ease.

DOLL TEARSHEET Come, you rogue, come; bring me to a justice.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, come, you starved bloodhound.

DOLL TEARSHEET Goodman death, goodman bones!

MISTRESS QUICKLY Thou atomy, thou!

DOLL TEARSHEET Come, you thin thing; come, you rascal.

FIRST BEADLE Very well. Exeunt

5.5 Enter ⌈two⌉ Grooms, strewing rushes

FIRST GROOM More rushes, more rushes!

SECOND GROOM The trumpets have sounded twice.

⌈FIRST⌉ GROOM ‘Twill be two o’clock ere they come from the coronation. Exeunt

Enter Sir John Falstaff, Shallow, Pistol, Bardolph, and the Page

SIR JOHN Stand here by me, Master Robert Shallow. I will make the King do you grace. I will leer upon him as a comes by, and do but mark the countenance that he will give me.

PISTOL God bless thy lungs, good knight.

SIR JOHN Come here, Pistol; stand behind me. (To Shallow) O, if I had had time to have made new liveries, I would have bestowed the thousand pound I borrowed of you! But ’tis no matter; this poor show doth better; this doth infer the zeal I had to see him.

⌈SHALLOW⌉ It doth so.

SIR JOHN It shows my earnestness of affection—

PISTOL It doth so.

SIR JOHN My devotion—

PISTOL It doth, it doth, it doth.

SIR JOHN As it were, to ride day and night, and not to deliberate, not to remember, not to have patience to shift me—

SHALLOW It is most certain.

⌈SIR JOHN⌉ But to stand stained with travel and sweating with desire to see him, thinking of nothing else, putting all affairs in oblivion, as if there were nothing else to be done but to see him.

PISTOL ’Tis semper idem, for absque hoc nihil est: ’tis all in every part.

SHALLOW ’Tis so indeed.

PISTOL

My knight, I will inflame thy noble liver,

And make thee rage.

Thy Doll, and Helen of thy noble thoughts,

Is in base durance and contagious prison,

Haled thither

By most mechanical and dirty hand.

Rouse up Revenge from ebon den with fell Alecto’s

snake,

For Doll is in. Pistol speaks naught but truth.

SIR JOHN I will deliver her.

⌈Shouts within.⌉ Trumpets sound

PISTOL

There roared the sea, and trumpet-clangour sounds!

Enter King Harry the Fifth, Prince John of Lancaster, the Dukes of Clarence and Gloucester, the Lord Chief Justice, ⌈and others⌉

SIR JOHN

God save thy grace, King Hal, my royal Hal!

PISTOL

The heavens thee guard and keep, most royal imp of fame!

SIR JOHN God save thee, my sweet boy!

KING HARRY

My Lord Chief Justice, speak to that vain man.

LORD CHIEF JUSTICE (to Sir John)