FIRST HUNTSMAN

Believe me, lord, I think he cannot choose.

SECOND HUNTSMAN

It would seem strange unto him when he waked.

LORD

Even as a flatt‘ring dream or worthless fancy.

Then take him up, and manage well the jest.

Carry him gently to my fairest chamber,

And hang it round with all my wanton pictures.

Balm his foul head in warm distilled waters,

And burn sweet wood to make the lodging sweet.

Procure me music ready when he wakes

To make a dulcet and a heavenly sound,

And if he chance to speak be ready straight,

And with a low submissive reverence

Say ‘What is it your honour will command?

Let one attend him with a silver basin

Full of rose-water and bestrewed with flowers;

Another bear the ewer, the third a diaper,

And say ‘Will’t please your lordship cool your hands?’

Someone be ready with a costly suit,

And ask him what apparel he will wear.

Another tell him of his hounds and horse,

And that his lady mourns at his disease.

Persuade him that he hath been lunatic,

And when he says he is, say that he dreams,

For he is nothing but a mighty lord.

This do, and do it kindly, gentle sirs.

It will be pastime passing excellent,

If it be husbanded with modesty.

FIRST HUNTSMAN

My lord, I warrant you we will play our part

As he shall think by our true diligence

He is no less than what we say he is.

LORD

Take him up gently, and to bed with him;

And each one to his office when he wakes.

Servingmen carry Sly out

Trumpets sound

Sirrah, go see what trumpet ’tis that sounds.

Exit a Servingman

Belike some noble gentleman that means,

Travelling some journey, to repose him here.

Enter a Servingman

How now? Who is it?

SERVINGMAN An’t please your honour, players That offer service to your lordship.

Enter Players

LORD

Bid them come near. Now fellows, you are welcome.

PLAYERS We thank your honour.

LORD

Do you intend to stay with me tonight?

A PLAYER

So please your lordship to accept our duty.

LORD

With all my heart. This fellow I remember

Since once he played a farmer’s eldest son.

’Twas where you wooed the gentlewoman so well.

I have forgot your name, but sure that part

Was aptly fitted and naturally performed.

ANOTHER PLAYER

I think ’twas Soto that your honour means.

LORD

‘Tis very true. Thou didst it excellent.

Well, you are come to me in happy time,

The rather for I have some sport in hand

Wherein your cunning can assist me much.

There is a lord will hear you play tonight;

But I am doubtful of your modesties

Lest, over-eyeing of his odd behaviour—

For yet his honour never heard a play—

You break into some merry passion,

And so offend him; for I tell you, sirs,

If you should smile he grows impatient.

A PLAYER

Fear not, my lord, we can contain ourselves

Were he the veriest antic in the world.

LORD (to a Servingman)

Go, sirrah, take them to the buttery

And give them friendly welcome every one.

Let them want nothing that my house affords.

Exit one with the Players

(To a Servingman) Sirrah, go you to Barthol‘mew, my

page,

And see him dressed in all suits like a lady.

That done, conduct him to the drunkard’s chamber

And call him ‘madam’, do him obeisance.

Tell him from me, as he will win my love,

He bear himself with honourable action

Such as he hath observed in noble ladies

Unto their lords by them accomplished.

Such duty to the drunkard let him do

With soft low tongue and lowly courtesy,

And say ‘What is’t your honour will command

Wherein your lady and your humble wife

May show her duty and make known her love?’

And then with kind embracements, tempting kisses,

And with declining head into his bosom

Bid him shed tears, as being overjoyed

To see her noble lord restored to health,

Who for this seven years hath esteemed him

No better than a poor and loathsome beggar.

And if the boy have not a woman’s gift

To rain a shower of commanded tears,

An onion will do well for such a shift,

Which, in a napkin being close conveyed,

Shall in despite enforce a watery eye.

See this dispatched with all the haste thou canst.

Anon I’ll give thee more instructions.

Exit a Servingman

I know the boy will well usurp the grace,

Voice, gait, and action of a gentlewoman.

I long to hear him call the drunkard husband,

And how my men will stay themselves from laughter

When they do homage to this simple peasant.

I’ll in to counsel them. Haply my presence

May well abate the over-merry spleen

Which otherwise would grow into extremes.

Exeunt

Induction 2 Enter aloft Sly, the drunkard, with attendants, some with apparel, basin, and ewer, and other appurtenances; and Lord

SLY For God’s sake, a pot of small ale!