PROTEUS I do.

SPEED

Why then, my horns are his horns, whether I wake or sleep.

PROTEUS A silly answer, and fitting well a sheep.

SPEED This proves me still a sheep.

PROTEUS True, and thy master a shepherd.

SPEED Nay, that I can deny by a circumstance.

PROTEUS It shall go hard but I’ll prove it by another.

SPEED The shepherd seeks the sheep, and not the sheep the shepherd. But I seek my master, and my master seeks not me. Therefore I am no sheep.

PROTEUS The sheep for fodder follow the shepherd, the shepherd for food follows not the sheep. Thou for wages followest thy master, thy master for wages follows not thee. Therefore thou art a sheep.

SPEED Such another proof will make me cry ‘baa’.

PROTEUS But dost thou hear: gav’st thou my letter to Julia?

SPEED Ay, sir. I, a lost mutton, gave your letter to her, a laced mutton, and she, a laced mutton, gave me, a lost mutton, nothing for my labour.

PROTEUS Here’s too small a pasture for such store of muttons.

SPEED If the ground be overcharged, you were best stick her.

PROTEUS Nay, in that you are astray. ‘Twere best pound you.

SPEED Nay sir, less than a pound shall serve me for carrying your letter.

PROTEUS You mistake. I mean the pound, a pinfold.

SPEED From a pound to a pin? Fold it over and over ‘Tis threefold too little for carrying a letter to your lover.

PROTEUS But what said she?

SPEED (nods, then says) Ay.

PROTEUS Nod-ay? Why, that’s ‘noddy’.

SPEED You mistook, sir. I say she did nod, and you ask me if she did nod, and I say ‘Ay’.

PROTEUS And that set together is ‘noddy’.

SPEED Now you have taken the pains to set it together, take it for your pains.

PROTEUS No, no. You shall have it for bearing the letter.

SPEED Well, I perceive I must be fain to bear with you.

PROTEUS Why, sir, how do you bear with me?

SPEED Marry, sir, the letter very orderly, having nothing but the word ‘noddy’ for my pains.

PROTEUS Beshrew me but you have a quick wit.

SPEED And yet it cannot overtake your slow purse.

PROTEUS Come, come, open the matter in brief. What said she?

SPEED Open your purse, that the money and the matter may be both at once delivered.

PROTEUS (giving money) Well, sir, here is for your pains. What said she?

SPEED Truly, sir, I think you’ll hardly win her.

PROTEUS Why? Couldst thou perceive so much from her?

SPEED Sir, I could perceive nothing at all from her, no, not so much as a ducat for delivering your letter. And being so hard to me, that brought your mind, I fear she’ll prove as hard to you in telling your mind. Give her no token but stones, for she’s as hard as steel.

PROTEUS What said she? Nothing?

SPEED No, not so much as ‘Take this for thy pains’. To testify your bounty, I thank you, you have testerned me; in requital whereof, henceforth carry your letters yourself. And so, sir, I’ll commend you to my master.

⌈Exit⌉

PROTEUS

Go, go, be gone, to save your ship from wreck,

Which cannot perish having thee aboard,

Being destined to a drier death on shore.

I must go send some better messenger.

I fear my Julia would not deign my lines,

Receiving them from such a worthless post. Exit

1.2 Enter Julia and Lucetta

JULIA

But say, Lucetta, now we are alone—

Wouldst thou then counsel me to fall in love?

LUCETTA

Ay, madam, so you stumble not unheedfully.

JULIA

Of all the fair resort of gentlemen

That every day with parle encounter me,

In thy opinion which is worthiest love?

LUCETTA

Please you repeat their names, I’ll show my mind

According to my shallow simple skill.

JULIA

What think’st thou of the fair Sir Eglamour?

LUCETTA

As of a knight well spoken, neat, and fine,

But were I you, he never should be mine.

JULIA

What think’st thou of the rich Mercatio?

LUCETTA

Well of his wealth, but of himself, so-so.

JULIA

What think’st thou of the gentle Proteus?

LUCETTA

Lord, lord, to see what folly reigns in us!

JULIA

How now? What means this passion at his name?

LUCETTA

Pardon, dear madam, ‘tis a passing shame

That I, unworthy body as I am,

Should censure thus on lovely gentlemen.

JULIA

Why not on Proteus, as of all the rest?

LUCETTA

Then thus: of many good, I think him best.

JULIA

Your reason?

LUCETTA

I have no other but a woman’s reason:

I think him so because I think him so.

JULIA

And wouldst thou have me cast my love on him?

LUCETTA

Ay, if you thought your love not cast away.

JULIA

Why, he of all the rest hath never moved me.

LUCETTA

Yet he of all the rest I think best loves ye.

JULIA

His little speaking shows his love but small.

LUCETTA

Fire that’s closest kept burns most of all.

JULIA

They do not love that do not show their love.

LUCETTA

O, they love least that let men know their love.

JULIA

I would I knew his mind.

LUCETTA (giving Proteus’ letter)

Peruse this paper, madam.

JULIA

‘To Julia’—say, from whom?

LUCETTA

That the contents will show.

JULIA

Say, say—who gave it thee?

LUCETTA

Sir Valentine’s page; and sent, I think, from Proteus. He would have given it you, but I being in the way Did in your name receive it. Pardon the fault, I pray.

JULIA

Now, by my modesty, a goodly broker.

Dare you presume to harbour wanton lines?

To whisper, and conspire against my youth?

Now trust me, ‘tis an office of great worth,

And you an officer fit for the place.

There. Take the paper.

She gives Lucetta the letter

See it be returned,

Or else return no more into my sight.

LUCETTA

To plead for love deserves more fee than hate.

JULIA

Will ye be gone?

LUCETTA

That you may ruminate.

Exit

JULIA

And yet I would I had o‘erlooked the letter.

It were a shame to call her back again

And pray her to a fault for which I chid her.

What fool is she, that knows I am a maid

And would not force the letter to my view,

Since maids in modesty say ‘No’ to that

Which they would have the profferer construe ‘Ay’.

Fie, fie, how wayward is this foolish love

That like a testy babe will scratch the nurse

And presently, all humbled, kiss the rod.

How churlishly I chid Lucetta hence

When willingly I would have had her here.

How angerly I taught my brow to frown

When inward joy enforced my heart to smile.