“That had to have been difficult,” she finally said. “Wasn’t the most enjoyable thing I’ve ever done.” “Then you know how much you …” she said, her voice trailing off.

“Look like him?” I said, agitated at hearing the comparison again. “Yeah. I get it.”

She picked up the tumbler and held it in her lap like a child would hold her favorite stuffed animal or blanket. For comfort.

“I am sorry that he is your father,” she said.

There was nothing for me to say to that, so I didn’t respond.

“I’ve never regretted not looking for him or trying to drag him into your life,” she said, spinning the cup slowly in her hands. “I knew the question was always there for you, even though you never asked. But I knew who Russell was. I may have brought other problems into your life, but I always felt like that was different from what he would have brought.”

I wanted to feel reluctant about that, but she was right. Being raised by an alcoholic was the preferred choice to being raised by a criminal. Still, I knew I would always have the feeling that I was cheated somewhere along the line.

“You never saw him again,” I said. “Did you ever talk to him?”

She stared into the tumbler. “Twice.”

“When?”

“Once when you were about five,” she said. “He called me. I don’t know how he found the number. Said he wanted to start sending me money to help.” The bittersweet effect of the call was etched on her face. “I said okay. And he lived up to it, I guess. Sent cash in an envelope every so often. I put it all in an account that I used for you.”

I tried to remember bringing in the mail as a kid, wondering if I’d held one of those envelopes in my hand. “And the other time?”

She hesitated, took a tiny sip from the drink, and slid the cup onto the table. She ran the heels of her hands down the length of her thighs, like she was trying to push something away that wasn’t there.

“It was a year after you’d moved out,” she said. “He called again. He wanted to know where you lived.”

That explained where he got the information about me he’d given Darcy. It didn’t make me happy, though.

“I tried to blow him off,” Carolina said. “But he was persistent. And when he brought up the fact that he’d sent some money over the years, I gave in and told him.”

“How much of that money did I see and how much did the liquor stores see?” The bitterness in my voice surprised me.

She stared at me for a moment, then stood and walked carefully into the dining room, her back to me. She placed her hands on the edge of the table, then turned back to me.

Her face was flushed, her eyes lit with rage.

“You have no idea what it is like to be left alone and pregnant,” she said, her voice bordering on yelling. “No idea. I am nowhere near perfect, and I have never, ever claimed to be. But I chose you. Not him. I chose you.” The veins in her neck were pulsing, and she was yelling now. “So you can sit there, comfortable in your life and who you are now, and try to belittle me all you want. But I won’t let you rip away the fact that I am proud of that choice!”

I felt the heat rush up the back of my neck and into my face. I looked down at the carpeting.

After a moment, she cleared her throat and sat back down in the chair.

“You saw it all, Noah,” she said, an angry edge to her voice. “Every penny. I may have screwed up a lot of other things around here, but that money was meant for you and I did nothing other than feed and clothe you with it. It bought you a surfboard on your sixteenth birthday, and it was the spending money that magically filled your pockets in high school.”

The silence gobbled up the room for a few minutes before I was able to look at her.

On cue, she picked up the tumbler from the table and held it to her lips, her eyes piercing me as she drank. Some sort of defiant message meant to make me feel like a jerk.

It worked.

“Did you ever get any sense of what he was into?” I asked, choosing to coward out of an apology.

She took a deep breath and shook her head. “Not really. Like I said, I don’t think he would have answered even if I had asked. He would disappear for days at a time, and as time went on, before he left, it became more difficult for me to find the courage to ask what he was doing.”

“When he disappeared. Do you know where he went?”

“I know he went to Las Vegas a lot,” she said, her eyes flickering. “He would bring back matchbooks from the hotels. Other than that, I don’t know.”

It struck me as more than coincidental that casinos kept coming up when I asked about Russell Simington. I stood up. “I gotta go.”

She walked me to the door, and we stood there awkwardly for a few moments.

“Will they really kill him?” she asked, staring past me out the screen door.

“Seems like it. From what little I know, there’s no reason not to.” She nodded slowly, her eyes focused on something I couldn’t see. Maybe the past.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “That you had to learn about him like this. And that he turned out like he has.”

I opened the screen door. “It’s not your fault. He is who he is.” I paused. “You were right to keep him away from us.”

Her eyes moved from whatever she had been looking at to me. It was probably the first time I had ever complimented anything resembling her parenting skills. She looked as surprised to hear it as I felt for having said it.

“Be careful, Noah,” she said, reaching out and touching my elbow. “You’ve managed this long without him. There was very little good in his life, and I can’t imagine anything has changed.” Her eyes were sharp, clear. “Don’t let him hurt you now.”

TWENTY-SEVEN

I stopped for a sandwich at a deli on Grand before venturing back to Mission Beach to see if I could get back into my house.

As I navigated the streets, I listened to Jason Mraz croon on the radio and thought about what Carolina had told me. Most of what she’d said hadn’t been a surprise. Meeting in a bar, lives that didn’t mesh, those were things that I expected.

Sending money every month was a shock, though. To learn that someone who I had never considered part of my life had indeed been a very large part was unsettling. On one hand, it was a kind gesture that probably helped us out more than I’d ever know. But on the other hand, the one that hit me like a fist, why had Simington chosen to participate from a distance if he truly had an interest in my life?

I wrestled with that as I drove down Mission Boulevard. I turned onto Jamaica and found the alley clogged with midday traffic. I had to park two blocks away and walk up the boardwalk. The crime scene tape was gone from the perimeter, but a familiar face greeted me from my patio.

Miranda was sitting in one of the lounge chairs, a backpack next to her. She was wearing the same outfit of death she had on when I met her, black on black, with gigantic black sunglasses shading her face.

She saw me and sat up. “Where have you been?” I stepped over the wall onto the patio. “What?” “I told you I was coming.”

“I know.”

She sighed, disgusted by my inability to comprehend.

“You didn’t say when, and I wouldn’t have waited around anyway.” I sat at the table next to the chairs and unwrapped the sandwich. “You want half? It’s roast beef and turkey.”

She looked at it and made a face. “I don’t eat meat.”

“Surprise, surprise.”

She twisted around, looking inside my place. “They found Darcy here?”

“Yeah,” I said. In between bites, I told her what I knew.

Miranda adjusted the glasses on her stark white face. “She was really good to me.”

I nodded slowly and worked on the sandwich. The sun was sparkling across the ocean, the white water looking like snow atop clear blue waves. Most days, I could have sat there and watched it for hours, letting everything else wait and fall away.