He looked about inside himself for any feeling of great sorrow or regret, and assumed that it must be there somewhere, probably hiding behind the huge wall of shock.
He arrived back within sight of Islington Green, hardly noticing the distance he had walked. The sudden sight of the police squad car parked outside his house hit him like a hammer and he swung on his heel and stared with furious concentration at the menu displayed in the window of a Greek restaurant.
«Dolmades,» he thought, frantically.
«Souvlaki,» he thought.
«A small spicy Greek sausage,» passed hectically through his mind.
He tried to reconstruct the scene in his mind's eye without turning round. There had been a policeman standing watching the street, and as far as he could recall from the brief glance he had, it looked as if the side door of the building which led up to his flat was standing open.
The police were in his flat. In his flat. Fassolia Plaki! A filling bowl of haricot beans cooked in a tomato and vegetable sauce!
He tried to shift his eyes sideways and back over his shoulder. The policeman was looking at him. He yanked his eyes back to the menu and tried to fill his mind with finely ground meat mixed with potato, breadcrumbs, onions and herbs rolled into small balls and fried. The policeman must have recognised him and was at that very moment dashing across the road to grab him and lug him off in a Black Maria just as they had done to Dirk all those years ago in Cambridge.
He braced his shoulders against the shock, but no hand came to grab him. He glanced back again, but the policeman was looking unconcernedly in another direction. Stifado.
It was very apparent to him that his behaviour was not that of one who was about to go and hand himself in to the police.
So what else was he to do?
Trying in a stiff, awkward way to walk naturally, he yanked himself away from the window, strolled tensely down the road a few yards, and then ducked back down Camden Passage again, walking fast and breathing hard. Where could he go? To Susan? No — the police would be there or watching. To the WFT offices in Primrose Hill? No — same reason. What on earth, he screamed silently at himself, was he doing suddenly as a fugitive?
He insisted to himself, as he had insisted to Dirk, that he should not be running away from the police. The police, he told himself, as he had been taught when he was a boy, were there to help and protect the innocent. This thought caused him instantly to break into a run and he nearly collided with the proud new owner of an ugly Edwardian floor lamp.
«Sorry,» he said, «sorry.» He was startled that anyone should want such a thing, and slowed his pace to a walk, glancing with sharp hunted looks around him. The very familiar shop fronts full of old polished brass, old polished wood and pictures of Japanese fish suddenly seemed very threatening and aggressive.
Who could possibly have wanted to kill Gordon? This was the thought that suddenly hammered at him as he turned down Charlton Place. All that had concerned him so far was that he hadn't.
But who had?
This was a new thought.
Plenty of people didn't care for him much, but there is a huge difference between disliking somebody — maybe even disliking them a lot — and actually shooting them, strangling them, dragging them through the fields and setting their house on fire. It was a difference which kept the vast majority of the population alive from day to day.
Was it just theft? Dirk hadn't mentioned anything being missing but then he hadn't asked him.
Dirk. The image of his absurd but oddly commanding figure sitting like a large toad, brooding in his shabby office, kept insisting itself upon Richard's mind. He realised that he was retracing the way he had come, and deliberately made himself turn right instead of left.
That way madness lay.
He just needed a space, a bit of time to think and collect his thoughts together.
All right — so where was he going? He stopped for a moment, turned around and then stopped again. The idea of dolmades suddenly seemed very attractive and it occurred to him that the cool, calm and collected course of action would have been simply to walk in and have some. That would have shown Fate who was boss.
Instead, Fate was engaged on exactly the same course of action. It wasn't actually sitting in a Greek restaurant eating dolmades, but it might as well have been, because it was clearly in charge. Richard's footsteps drew him inexorably back through the winding streets, over the canal.
He stopped, briefly, at a corner shop, and then hurried on past the council estates, and into developer territory again until he was standing once more outside 33, Peckender Street. At about the same time as Fate would have been pouring itself the last of the retsina, wiping its mouth and wondering if it had any room left for baklavas, Richard gazed up at the tall ruddy Victorian building with its soot-darkened brickwork and its heavy, forbidding windows. A gust of wind whipped along the street and a small boy bounded up to him.
«Fuck off,» chirped the little boy, then paused and looked at him again.
«'Ere, mister,» he added, «can I have your jacket?»
«No,» said Richard.
«Why not?» said the boy.
«Er, because I like it,» said Richard.
«Can't see why,» muttered the boy. «Fuck off.» He slouched off moodily down the street, kicking a stone at a cat.
Richard entered the building once more, mounted the stairs uneasily and looked again into the office.
Dirk's secretary was sitting at her desk, head down, arms folded.
«I'm not here,» she said.
«I see,» said Richard.
«I only came back,» she said, without looking up from the spot on her desk at which she was staring angrily, «to make sure he notices that I've gone. Otherwise he might just forget.»
«Is he in?» asked Richard.
«Who knows? Who cares? Better ask someone who works for him, because I don't.»
«Show him in!» boomed Dirk's voice.
She glowered for a moment, stood up, went to the inner door, wrenched it open, said «Show him in yourself,» slammed the door once more and returned to her seat.
«Er, why don't I just show myself in?» said Richard.
«I can't even hear you,» said Dirk's ex-secretary, staring resolutely at her desk. «How do you expect me to hear you if I'm not even here?»
Richard made a placatory gesture, which was ignored, and walked through and opened the door to Dirk's office himself. He was startled to find the room in semi-darkness. A blind was drawn down over the window, and Dirk was lounging back in his seat, his face bizarrely lit by the strange arrangement of objects sitting on the desk. At the forward edge of the desk sat an old grey bicycle lamp, facing backwards and shining a feeble light on a metronome which was ticking softly back and forth, with a highly polished silver teaspoon strapped to its metal rod.
Richard tossed a couple of boxes of matches on to the desk.
«Sit down, relax, and keep looking at the spoon,» said Dirk, «you are already feeling sleepy…»
Another police car pulled itself up to a screeching halt outside Richard's flat, and a grim-faced man climbed out and strode over to one of the constables on duty outside, flashing an identity card.
«Detective Inspector Mason, Cambridgeshire CID,» he said. «This the MacDuff place?»
The constable nodded and showed him to the side-door entrance which opened on to the long narrow staircase leading up to the top flat.
Mason bustled in and then bustled straight out again.
«There's a sofa halfway up the stairs,» he told the constable. «Get it moved.»
«Some of the lads have already tried, sir,» the constable replied anxiously. «It seems to be stuck. Everyone's having to climb over it for the moment, sir. Sorry, sir.»