Tecwen hoped to buy a silk bed for his dog, Bouncer, and a Reliant Robin for his son, Rhys, who was a member of the Only Fools and Horses fan club and wanted to drive the same car as the Trotters. Plus, he had credit-card debts from his children’s private education. He wondered if Adrian Pollock might give him tips on becoming a contestant, so he tracked him down to St. Hilary, a village near Cardiff, and staked out his home.

“He seemed normal,” Tecwen later told the police. “A couple of kids. A dog.” When he later read that he and Marcus were supposedly involved in some Internet scam, he thought, “Uh-oh. Suspicious.”

Tecwen introduced himself to Adrian, who was flattered by his curiosity. They went to the pub, where Adrian took on the role of Tecwen’s mentor, imparting his secrets. First, Adrian told Tecwen, keep calling Celador’s premium-rate phone line. Adrian had himself phoned 1,700 times. Second, when the random selector asks you a trivia question, try and answer it in a computer voice. Adrian had come to believe that Celador had programmed the selector to weed out certain regional accents.

He took his mentoring of Tecwen very seriously. He and Marcus visited Tecwen’s home. They spoke on the phone twenty-seven times. Adrian even asked Diana to become Tecwen’s co-mentor.

“What did you talk to him about?” asks Hilliard, when he cross-examines Diana about her relationship with Tecwen.

“The closest-to question,” replies Diana.

The “closest-to” is the question the Millionaire researchers ask you over the phone if you’ve been randomly selected and are now down to the last hundred possible contestants. It is always a numerical question: “How many radio stations are there in North America?” for example.

“They can be quite hard,” explains Diana. “They’ve always got a numerical answer that could be anything, really.”

“And that’s the kind of insight you were offering Tecwen Whittock, was it?” asks Hilliard. “That they’re quite hard and could be anything really?”

In fact, shortly before the arrests, Adrian and Diana delivered a manuscript of a book to John Brown Publishing, offering tips on how to get on to Millionaire. Both Diana and Adrian had won £32,000 in the hot seat. John Brown was ready to publish, but the arrests changed all that.

Meanwhile, over in Devizes, Wiltshire, Adrian had loaned his brother-in-law, Charles, his pretend mock-up Fastest Finger First console. Charles practiced being fast-fingered on it. He phoned and phoned the random selector. He didn’t, however, imitate a staccato computer voice. He thought Adrian’s conspiracy theory about that was far-fetched. In fact, he later tells the court, he really doesn’t like Adrian and Marcus.

“I don’t like Diana getting involved in whatever it is they do,” he says, adding that Adrian and Marcus have a history of harebrained get-rich-quick schemes.

Back in Cardiff, Tecwen repeatedly called the Millionaire random selector in a staccato voice. “Before I knew it,” he tells the court, “it worked. I was on.”

Tecwen was booked to appear on September 10, 2001. Charles got on too—on September 9. Even though the prosecution says that some other plot was probably in operation that evening, involving buzzing pagers strapped to Charles’s body—or perhaps to Marcus’s body as he sat in the audience—Charles didn’t do well. He made it to £4,000 but lost two of his lifelines before the recording ended. Still, he survived to carry on the following night. Chris Tarrant announced the names of the Fastest Finger contestants who’d be joining Charles in the studio. Second on the list was Tecwen Whittock.

Charles told the police that the first he’d heard of Tecwen Whittock was two weeks later, on September 25, when the Sun named him as the mysterious cougher. He says the first time he met him was just a few weeks ago, right here at Southwark Crown Court. Certainly, in the dock, they studiously behave as if they are strangers. However, Diana’s mobile telephone bill shows that at 11:02 p.m. on the night of September 9—as the Ingrams were driving home from the studio down the M4—she phoned Tecwen for just over five minutes. Diana says the call was simply to congratulate her fellow Millionaire devotee on getting on to the show, and that Charles was asleep at the time. The prosecution says the call was for the three of them to put the coughing plot into action, a plot that must have been vaguely hatched during the “mentoring” conversations of the previous weeks.

When Detective Sergeant Williamson told me a few days ago that “proper criminals” plead guilty, I asked him what made the Ingrams and Tecwen not proper criminals. He said, “They may have engaged in a criminal act, but they don’t have criminal minds. They made too many stupid mistakes.”

One stupid mistake, he said, was that they called each other on their own phones. Another was that, at the Millionaire studio on September 10, neither Charles nor Diana said a word to Tecwen. How suspicious for Diana “the mentor” not to say hello to her student, especially when they’d been on the phone with each other just hours earlier. Diana says she didn’t talk to Tecwen because she didn’t know what he looked like. The most stupid mistake of all—say the police—was that they made it so bloody obvious.

The audience gave Charles a standing ovation after he correctly answered the million-pound question. Diana ran down the studio stairs to hug her husband. Her radio microphone picked up her saying, “How the hell did you do it? You must be mad!” As they walked to their dressing room, another Fastest Finger contestant congratulated them and said, “How did you get the Holbein question?” Diana turned to Charles, “Oh, that was one you knew, wasn’t it, darling?”

CHRIS TARRANT: “The Ambassadors in the National Gallery is a painting by which artist: Van Eyck? Holbein? Michelangelo? Rembrandt?”

CHARLES: “I think it was either Holbein or Rembrandt. I’ve seen it. I think it was Holbein.”

“Cough.”

CHARLES: “I’m sure it was Holbein.”

“Cough.”

CHARLES: “I’m sure it was Holbein. I’m sure of it. I think I’m going to go for it.”

“Cough.”

CHARLES: “Yeah, Holbein.”

CHRIS TARRANT: “You’re fantastic, just fantastic.”

•   •   •

IT IS WEEK THREE of the trial, and the Ingrams’ case has been effortlessly torn apart by Nicholas Hilliard.

“It’s not nice to watch, is it?” says one arresting officer to me out in the corridor. I’m starting to think it may be driving Charles toward some sort of breakdown. He’s already told the court about his year on medication since the arrest, how passersby yell, “Cheat!” when he’s in his garden having a picnic and how someone recently tried to shoot his cat, though this may have been unconnected. Personally, I think being cross-examined by Hilliard is punishment enough for a bit of cheeky deception on Millionaire.

My relationship with Charles is becoming awkward. My upbeat smiles have involuntarily turned into pitying grimaces. Charles seems compelled to behave in a fake-laddish manner in front of me.

“Oh,” he laughs throatily in the corridor during a break after performing particularly badly on cross-examination, “I knew I shouldn’t have gone out on the piss last night!”

I play along. “Did you?” I ask.

“Well,” he adds, theatrically massaging his forehead, “it was a supper party, but it was much the same thing!”

“Charles!” calls Diana from down the corridor. “Come here!”

“Sorry, sorry,” he calls back.

Diana has gone off me. Yesterday I was staring into space for a long time near Starbucks, thinking about other things, when I realized that I was staring straight at Diana, who was looking back at me, horrified, as if I was an obsessed stalker glaring at her from afar.

Today an incongruously suave stranger sits next to me in the public gallery. He is Robert Brydges, and he was in the Millionaire audience on September 10.