“He’s not so bad,” Lumi says. “I’ve beenwith guys a hell of a lot worse. There was nothing between us,though. We never talked … never even kissed. We were both justusing the other, trying to escape reality.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“Does it ever go away?” Lumi askssuddenly.

“Does what go away?”

“The guilt?”

Nazirah wants to say yes, but she can’t lieto her friend. And she can’t lie to herself anymore, either. Shesearches for the right words, but they don’t come. Because she isnot Cato Caal. And she is not Riva Martel.

She is only Nazirah Nation.

“It’s always there,” she says finally. “Somedays it’s dull and other days it’s sharp. But we can channel it andhopefully use it for something worthwhile. For something good, tohonor them by. And then maybe, someday, we can find somepeace.”

Lumi nods, like she’s expecting it. She sobsthen and Nazirah embraces her, crying too. She cries for Lumi andfor Aneira, for the Grigoris, for herself, for Nikolaus, for Cato,for Riva and Kasimir.

And most surprisingly, or maybe mostunsurprisingly, she cries for Adamek.

Chapter Twelve

“Osen, near the Eridian border,” Taj says,shoveling food into his mouth.

A long month has passed since Aneira’sfuneral. The recruits are eating dinner outside on picnic tables.Lumi doesn’t come out here much anymore, because the grounds holdtoo many bad memories, but even she’s here today. She has becomethinner in the past few weeks, more withdrawn, and she eats besideTaj quietly. Taj wraps a friendly arm around her.

“You’ll love Osen, Taj,” Ansel sayswistfully. “It’s so different from the Deathlands. There arehundreds of crystal-clear lakes, rolling hills, evergreen treesthat fill the air with pine. And grass everywhere, greener than youcould ever imagine.”

“I’ve heard,” Taj says excitedly. “I can’twait to see it in person.”

Nazirah wishes she could see it too, theland Kasimir once called home.

Cato chews thoughtfully. “What’s yourassignment there?”

Today, the recruits received their finalassignments, but Nazirah is anxiously still awaiting hers. Therecruits would soon be scattered throughout the territories,helping the insurgents with defense, reconnaissance, medicine, andso on. It’s their last test before reconvening at headquarters topledge their lives and hearts to the rebellion.

It’s their last chance to back out.

Taj shrugs. “Glumindo didn’t say much …something about lumber.”

“Interesting,” Cato says. Nazirah begs todisagree, but at least Taj knows what his assignment is. “Lumi,what did you get?”

Lumi’s entire face lights up. “I’m goingback home, to Zima! I’m sure my father and Nikolaus had somethingto do with it, but I’m grateful. It’s not in Kivar, my hometown inSoZima. Obviously, I can’t go back there while my lunatic uncleremains in power. But it’s enough. I’ll be working in a smallhospital near the Oseni border.”

“Maybe you can come visit me on theweekends,” Taj jokes, winking a brown eye suggestively.

Everyone at the table laughs, includingLumi. “You never know,” she replies coyly. “Cato, where are yougoing again? The Red West, right?”

Nazirah tunes them out. Cato has alreadytold her, several times since this morning, about his mission. Hecame to her room after breakfast, excited that he was assignedrecon in the Deathlands. Nazirah is glad he’s enthusiastic … butthe Deathlands are so dangerous and Cato is so gentle. Nazirah isworried he won’t handle it well.

Or maybe Nazirah is the one not handling it.Getting their final assignments has made training very real. Theywill be true rebels soon, and then there really will be no turningback.

“Irri, you’re quieter than usual,” Taj says.“Not happy with your assignment?”

Nazirah squirms uncomfortably in her seat.“Um, no,” she says. “I’m still waiting to get mine.”

“You haven’t been assigned?” Lumi asks. Shecould always be counted on to restate the obvious.

Nazirah tries to seem nonchalant. “Nope,”she says. “But I’m not the only one who hasn’t been assigned yet,right?” Nazirah looks around the table, hoping to see someone nod.But they all, even Cato, avert their eyes.

Crickets.

Nazirah knows what they’re all thinking,because she’s thinking it too. Nikolaus is keeping her at thecompound, out of harm’s way. Because she’s his sister and becausehe thinks she can’t handle it. A few months ago, this would beexactly what Nazirah wanted. But lately, she wants nothing morethan to fight for every life that’s been lost, including herown.

The recruits lie in the grass after dinner,enjoying their last few hours together.

“I’m sorry you’re down about this, Irri,”says Cato gently, broaching the topic after everyone else has lefttheir table. “Maybe it’s for the best? I know I’ll feel a lotbetter with you safe here.”

“It’s not for the best!” she snaps. “I’m notsome damsel in distress! I don’t need to be locked away in atower!”

Cato looks perplexed. “That’s not what Imeant and you know it.”

“Do I?” she asks him honestly. “You and Nikoboth baby me all the time, like I’m so fragile, ready to shatter ata moment’s notice. I’m tired of it!”

“I feel very protective of you, Irri,” hesays. “I always have.”

“I know that,” she says. “And I appreciateit. But I’m sick of sitting back and watching life pass me by.Especially with the lives of so many others cut short. I feel likeI’m wasting the time I have. Like I should be doing more, takingmore risks … something! I just feel like I haven’t lived enough, Iguess. You know?”

It feels right, what she said.

She ignores the fact that those words aren’ther own.

“Not really,” Cato replies honestly. “But Isupport you in everything you do, Irri. And I’ll support you inthis.”

Nazirah watches children playing on theswings. It feels like forever ago that she and Cato were doing thesame thing. Leaving their fears behind them and vaulting into theirfuture. It’s time Nazirah started swinging again.

“Thank you,” she says, rising from her seat.“I’m just really upset. I need to go find Niko and see exactlywhat’s going on. It’ll make me feel better to know.”

Cato nods encouragingly. “Okay,” he says.“Remember Nazi, I can always stuff you in my suitcase and take youto the Deathlands with me.”

A hint of a smile graces her face. “Funny,”she says. “Wish me luck.”

#

Nikolaus isn’t hard to track down. Nazirahfinds him in the first place she looks. She knocks on his officedoor before entering. He’s there, hovering over a huge map ofRenatus. Nikolaus glances up from his desk.

“Why do you look so surprised?” sheasks.

“Since when do you knock?”

Nazirah rolls her eyes. He and Cato wouldmake a great comedy act, at her expense. “Since now.”

“And you’re not even screaming or shouting atme.”

“You’re jinxing it.”

Nazirah sits down, tapping her foot. Nikolooks painfully gaunt, as the stress of the impending war takes itstoll. His dark hair is longer, messier than he normally keeps it.He hasn’t shaved in several days. He resembles Kasimir more andmore. “I was wondering when you’d show up,” he says.

“You were?”

“You look nervous.”

“Just hear me out,” she begs.

“Okay.”

Nazirah dives headfirst into the argumentshe prepared on the short walk here, playing with the hem of herskirt. “I know I said that I didn’t want to help the rebellion andI wanted to run away and never come back. But I’ve changed mymind.”

“You have?”

“Yes.” Nazirah plows on. “I do want to makea difference! I do believe in what we’re fighting for! And I wantto help!”

“Irri –”

“You can’t keep me hostage here!” sheinterrupts. “Doing nothing, trapped in this prison, while all myfriends are out risking their lives! I need to do somethingworthwhile, for our parents, for myself! Or I will go insane. Doyou understand? I will completely lose it! You have to give mesomething!”