“You’re controlling!” He snapped, but I had knocked him down just a notch, “You’re tight fisted unless it’s something you want and then you just go off and spend as you like without consulting me! It’s my money, Silvia!”
“It’s our money, Oliver! Ours! And every penny is spent keeping us from being swallowed by our debt!” I was livid by then. How dare he lecture me on a budget when he was the one who wasted money on things we could have done without, “And you like to eat as well, yeah? Do you want to work all day, go to class, and then have to shop, too? You can add that in if you want to keep track of your money, Oliver!”
“Fuck this! “ He grabbed his coat off the couch and started for the kitchen.
“Oh, no!” I thought, “He isn’t going to start with me and then just walk away!” I headed him off. He knew what I was up to, but was a second too slow in figuring it out. We raced to the counter and I snatched up his keys before he could grab them and ran with them to the back of the house.
He was right at my heels, “Give me my keys!” He roared.
“No!” I screamed and slammed the bedroom door in his face, taking a few steps back.
He struck his fist against the door, then kicked it open. He stood in the doorway glaring at me. His voice was low and threatening, “Give me my keys!”
“No!” I took a few more steps back, stumbled and fell on to the bed to see him towering over me.
He was shaking with fury. My God, he looked just like Alexander right before he was ready to do something terrible. For a second I was actually afraid he might hurt me, but he didn‘t. He just stood there momentarily with a snarl on his face, and then yelled, “Fine! You have them! I’ve got two legs!”
I watched him spin around. He kicked the wall on the way out the door. Wood splintered. I could hear his heavy booted footsteps stomp across the floor of the front room and then the door slammed shut with such force that the entire house shook.
Everything fell silent. I sat on the bed stupidly, clutching those keys so tightly that they cut into my palm, and listened hard for any sound. There was nothing. After what was probably fifteen minutes, I felt brave enough and I crept out into the kitchen. I peeked out the window to see if Oliver was in the garden. He was not. I stepped out on to the porch and looked. No sign. I closed my eyes and listened. I heard nothing but the whispers of the winds and I knew my husband had gone away on foot.
I waited for him like an idiot, sitting in the front room on the sofa, jerking at every little sound, but he never returned. I felt so alone and so confused. I didn't understand his anger toward me. He'd never shamed me like that or been so awful. Things had been so hard for us. What if I'd betrayed him somehow? What if I'd really hurt him? What is he didn't love me anymore?
What if he’d broken his promise to never leave me alone? What if he wasn’t coming back? Where would I go? What would I do? Who would I be without Oliver?
The question was paralysing. Strong, confident Silvia reverted back to the insecure little girl who had been dropped off at boarding school by her father at seven years old. I felt like I was dying inside. I sat and wept, not even bothering to light the stove for light or heat.
“Oh, Alfie,“ I told the little owl later through my tears when he came to call, “Oliver’s not here,” Alfie scooted to the side and tilted his head in response, “I’m sorry. I’m afraid I made him angry and he left.” The owl let his weight spread across his feet and settled down as if to rest. He blinked, still staring at me.
Many hours later he fluttered off and I put myself to bed. I lie there awake and worried, trying to cry myself to sleep. My head ached and my face was numb. Finally, I heard the front door open. More than one person entered, but they were so quiet I thought that they might be holding their breath
“She’s asleep, Xan,” Oliver finally whispered. “It’s very late, isn’t it?”
“About one AM, but who cares? Go wake her up, Oliver. Fix what you did.”
“I’m going to. Thanks for the talk and the ride.”
“I’m glad you phoned. It’s good to spend time with you, Brawd. Tell Sil I love her.”
“I will. Night, Brother.”
“Night.” Alex said and the door clicked closed.
Oliver walked into the bedroom and shut the door behind him. He smelled like ale and cigarette smoke and I knew he’d been at the pub all night with Alex. He undressed quietly and crawled into bed. He didn‘t touch me right away. Instead, he lay flat on his back, stiff as a board. “Silvia,” He finally whispered, “I know you’re awake.”
“I am.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me, too.”
He drew close behind me, resting his arm over mine, and took my hand. He caressed the back of it with his thumb, “Don’t be sorry. I’m the one who needs to be. It’s all right, Love. I understand why you asked your dad. You were right to do it. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like I did. I know you did it so we’d be OK. I know you did it because you care.”
“I don’t want you to have to work all the time!” I sobbed, “I never see you anymore!“
“Shush, Love. I know. I hate it, too. I know how you spend the money. I don’t know why I said that. It wasn‘t even true,” He buried his face into my neck. “Shush...”
“I wasn’t complaining about the cupboard space! I didn‘t mean it like that at all!” I turned my face to his, “I know you work hard to make this place more modern so it‘s easier to manage! I‘m sorry I don‘t chop any wood! I‘m not strong enough to swing the axe…”
“Shush, Silvia. Please don’t cry,” He wiped my cheek with his finger, “I hate it when you cry. I don’t mind chopping the wood. I actually enjoy doing it. It’s not something you should be doing anyway and I don’t expect you to,” He sighed, leaning his forehead against mine, “I’m not always good at explaining myself, yeah? Sometimes I just expect you to know how I’m thinking without me saying it. The thing is that I’m building this house because I want you to have everything you need. I want this place to be our little paradise, made especially for you and me. Custom built-like,” He paused, carefully considering his words, “When you said you didn‘t have proper space, I went stupid and took it as you telling me I’d failed you when I tried so hard to make it just right. I’m a man, Silvia. I want to fix it right for my wife.”
“I appreciate everything you do!”
“I know. I know,” He caressed my face with his fingertips, letting them linger on my bottom lip, “I realised something I hadn’t until tonight. I told Alex. I’m tired, Sweetie. I’ve never been burned out before, but I‘m fried. All I do is work. I am so sick of my job. I hate it. I am so sick of school. I want to be done with it. I’m so tired of being poor. Sometimes I find it hard to keep an eye on the goal and remember all of this is temporary. I get the next part of my trust fund in two years. We took a lot on too soon and I think it’s caught up to me. I just want to sleep one night and know I don‘t have to wake up at all the next day and then just have that same day when I don‘t have anything I have to do. I’m so tired.”
`“Me, too,” I sniffed at a tear that was running sideways down my face. “We both need a break, yeah?”
`“But that’s it. I don’t want a break, because I’m doing all of this for us. What I need is you, Sil,” He cupped my head in his large hands and looked into my eyes, “I need to know I can come home and you’ll be happy to see me. I miss you. I’m so busy anymore I’ve neglected you and you’ve gone away on me again. You're off inside your head where I can't reach you. I need you to come back. I can‘t do this without you.”
I rolled into my husband and curled against him, “I never left! I just forgot, that’s all! I forgot that it’s just you and me and nothing else matters! I’m sorry if I made you feel alone! I don’t feel well…I haven’t lately at all...”