Zaphod said nothing. He got up again and marched over to a small cabinet from which he pulled a bottle of old Janx Spirit. He took a long pull at it.

“And when this is all done,” said Zaphod savagely, “it’s done, all right? I’m free to go and do what the hell I like and lie on beaches and stuff?”

“It depends what transpires from the meeting,” said Zarniwoop.

“Zaphod, who is this man?” said Trillian shakily, wobbling to her feet. “What’s he doing here? Why’s he on our ship?”

“He’s a very stupid man,” said Zaphod, “who wants to meet the man who rules the Universe.”

“Ah,” said Trillian, taking the bottle from Zaphod and helping herself, “a social climber.”

Chapter 28

The major problem — one of the major problems, for there are several — one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.

To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

And so this is the situation we find: a succession of Galactic Presidents who so much enjoy the fun and palaver of being in power that they very rarely notice that they’re not.

And somewhere in the shadows behind them — who?

Who can possibly rule if no one who wants to do it can be allowed to?

Chapter 29

On a small obscure world somewhere in the middle of nowhere in particular — nowhere, that is, that could ever be found, since it is protected by a vast field of Unprobability to which only six men in this Galaxy have a key — it was raining.

It was bucketing down, and had been for hours. It beat the top of the sea into a mist, it pounded the trees, it churned and slopped a stretch of scrubby land near the sea into a mudbath.

The rain pelted and danced on the corrugated iron roof of the small shack that stood in the middle of this patch of scrubby land. It obliterated the small rough pathway that led from the shack down to the seashore and smashed apart the neat piles of interesting shells which had been placed there.

The noise of the rain on the roof of the shack was deafening within, but went largely unnoticed by its occupant, whose attention was otherwise engaged.

He was a tall shambling man with rough straw-colored hair that was damp from the leaking roof. His clothes were shabby, his back was hunched, and his eyes, though open, seemed closed.

In his shack was an old beaten-up armchair, an old scratched table, an old mattress, some cushions and a stove that was small but warm.

There was also an old and slightly weatherbeaten cat, and this was currently the focus of the man’s attention. He bent his shambling form over it.

“Pussy, pussy, pussy,” he said, “coochicoochicoochicoo … pussy want his fish? Nice piece of fish … pussy want it?”

The cat seemed undecided on the matter. It pawed rather condescendingly at the piece of fish the man was holding out, and then got distracted by a piece of dust on the floor.

“Pussy not eat his fish, pussy get thin and waste away, I think,” said the man. Doubt crept into his voice.

“I imagine this is what will happen,” he said, “but how can I tell?”

He proffered the fish again.

“Pussy think,” he said, “eat fish or not eat fish. I think it is better if I don’t get involved.” He sighed.

“I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?”

He left the fish on the floor for the cat, and retired to his seat.

“Ah, I seem to see you eating it,” he said at last, as the cat exhausted the entertainment possibilities of the speck of dust and pounced onto the fish.

“I like it when I see you eat fish,” said the man, “because in my mind you will waste away if you don’t.”

He picked up from the table a piece of paper and the stub of a pencil. He held one in one hand and the other in the other, and experimented with the different ways of bringing them together. He tried holding the pencil under the paper, then over the paper, then next to the paper. He tried wrapping the paper round the pencil, he tried rubbing the stubby end of the pencil against the paper and then he tried rubbing the sharp end of the pencil against the paper. It made a mark, and he was delighted with the discovery, as he was every day. He picked up another piece of paper from the table. This had a crossword on it. He studied it briefly and filled in a couple of clues before losing interest.

He tried sitting on one of his hands and was intrigued by the feel of the bones of his hip.

“Fish come from far away,” he said, “or so I’m told. Or so I imagine I’m told. When the men come, or when in my mind the men come in their six black shiny ships, do they come in your mind too? What do you see, pussy?”

He looked at the cat, which was more concerned with getting the fish down as rapidly as possible than it was with these speculations.

“And when I hear their questions, do you hear questions? What do their voices mean to you? Perhaps you just think they’re singing songs to you.” He reflected on this, and saw the flaw in the supposition.

“Perhaps they are singing songs to you,” he said, “and I just think they’re asking me questions.”

He paused again. Sometimes he would pause for days, just to see what it was like.

“Do you think they came today?” he said. “I do. There’s mud on the floor, cigarettes and whisky on the table, fish on a plate for you and a memory of them in my mind. Hardly conclusive evidence I know, but then all evidence is circumstantial. And look what else they’ve left me.”

He reached over to the table and pulled some things off it.

“Crosswords, dictionaries and a calculator.”

He played with the calculator for an hour, while the cat went to sleep and the rain outside continued to pour. Eventually he put the calculator aside.

“I think I must be right in thinking they ask me questions,” he said. “To come all that way and leave all these things just for the privilege of singing songs to you would be very strange behavior. Or so it seems to me. Who can tell, who can tell.”

From the table he picked up a cigarette and lit it with a spill from the stove. He inhaled deeply and sat back.

“I think I saw another ship in the sky today,” he said at last. “A big white one. I’ve never seen a big white one, just the six black ones. And the six green ones. And the others who say they come from so far away. Never a big white one. Perhaps six small black ones can look like one big white one at certain times. Perhaps I would like a glass of whisky. Yes, that seems more likely.”

He stood up and found a glass that was lying on the floor by his mattress. He poured in a measure from his whisky bottle. He sat again.

“Perhaps some other people are coming to see me,” he said.

A hundred yards away, pelted by the torrential rain, lay the Heart of Gold.

Its hatchway opened, and three figures emerged, huddling into themselves to keep the rain off their faces.

“In there?” shouted Trillian above the noise of the rain.

“Yes,” said Zarniwoop.

“That shack?”

“Yes.”

“Weird,” said Zaphod.

“But it’s in the middle of nowhere,” said Trillian. “We must have come to the wrong place. You can’t rule the Universe from a shack.”

They hurried through the pouring rain, and arrived, wet through, at the door. They knocked. They shivered.

The door opened.

“Hello?” said the man.