Bullshit, thought Ford. Even supposing this was the home of some ancient civilization now gone to dust, even supposing a number of exceedingly unlikely things, there was no way that vast treasures of wealth were going to be stored there in any form that would still have meaning now. He shrugged.

“I think it’s just a dead planet,” he said.

“The suspense is killing me,” said Arthur testily.

Stress and nervous tension are now serious social problems in all parts of the Galaxy, and it is in order that this situation should not be in any way exacerbated that the following facts will now be revealed in advance.

The planet in question is in fact the legendary Magrathea.

The deadly missile attack shortly to be launched by an ancient automatic defense system will result merely in the breakage of three coffee cups and a mouse cage, the bruising of somebody’s upper arm, and the untimely creation and sudden demise of a bowl of petunias and an innocent sperm whale.

In order that some sense of mystery should still be preserved, no revelation will yet be made concerning whose upper arm sustains the bruise. This fact may safely be made the subject of suspense since it is of no significance whatsoever.

Chapter 17

After a fairly shaky start to the day, Arthur’s mind was beginning to reassemble itself from the shell-shocked fragments the previous day had left him with. He had found a Nutri-Matic machine which had provided him with a plastic cup filled with a liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. The way it functioned was very interesting. When the Drink button was pressed it made an instant but highly detailed examination of the subject’s taste buds, a spectroscopic analysis of the subject’s metabolism and then sent tiny experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centers of the subject’s brain to see what was likely to go down well. However, no one knew quite why it did this because it invariably delivered a cupful of liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. The Nutri-Matic was designed and manufactured by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation whose complaints department now covers all the major landmasses of the first three planets in the Sirius Tau Star system.

Arthur drank the liquid and found it reviving. He glanced up at the screens again and watched a few more hundred miles of barren grayness slide past. It suddenly occurred to him to ask a question that had been bothering him.

“Is it safe?” he said.

“Magrathea’s been dead for five million years,” said Zaphod; “of course it’s safe. Even the ghosts will have settled down and raised families by now.”

At which point a strange and inexplicable sound thrilled suddenly through the bridge — a noise as of a distant fanfare; a hollow, reedy, insubstantial sound. It preceded a voice that was equally hollow, reedy and insubstantial. The voice said, “Greetings to you …”

Someone from the dead planet was talking to them.

“Computer!” shouted Zaphod.

“Hi there!”

“What the photon is it?”

“Oh, just some five-million-year-old tape that’s being broadcast at us.”

“A what? A recording?”

“Shush!” said Ford. “It’s carrying on.”

The voice was old, courteous, almost charming, but was underscored with quite unmistakable menace.

“This is a recorded announcement,” it said, “as I’m afraid we’re all out at the moment. The commercial council of Magrathea thanks you for your esteemed visit …”

(“A voice from ancient Magrathea!” shouted Zaphod. “Okay, okay,” said Ford.)

“ … but regrets,” continued the voice, “that the entire planet is temporarily closed for business. Thank you. If you would care to leave your name and the address of a planet where you can be contacted, kindly speak when you hear the tone.”

A short buzz followed, then silence.

“They want to get rid of us,” said Trillian nervously. “What do we do?”

“It’s just a recording,” said Zaphod. “We keep going. Got that, computer?”

“I got it,” said the computer and gave the ship an extra kick of speed.

They waited.

After a second or so came the fanfare once again, and then the voice.

“We would like to assure you that as soon as our business is resumed announcements will be made in all fashionable magazines and color supplements, when our clients will once again be able to select from all that’s best in contemporary geography.” The menace in the voice took on a sharper edge. “Meanwhile, we thank our clients for their kind interest and would ask them to leave. Now.”

Arthur looked round the nervous faces of his companions.

“Well, I suppose we’d better be going then, hadn’t we?” he suggested.

“Shhh!” said Zaphod. “There’s absolutely nothing to be worried about.”

“Then why’s everyone so tense?”

“They’re just interested!” shouted Zaphod. “Computer, start descent into the atmosphere and prepare for landing.”

This time the fanfare was quite perfunctory, the voice now distinctly cold.

“It is most gratifying, “ it said, “that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated, and so we would like to assure you that the guided missiles currently converging with your ship are part of a special service we extend to all of our most enthusiastic clients, and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a courtesy detail. We look forward to your custom in future lives.… Thank you.”

The voice snapped off.

“Oh,” said Trillian.

“Er … said Arthur.

“Well?” said Ford.

“Look,” said Zaphod, “will you get it into your heads? That’s just a recorded message. It’s millions of years old. It doesn’t apply to us, get it?”

“What,” said Trillian quietly, “about the missiles?”

“Missiles? Don’t make me laugh.”

Ford tapped Zaphod on the shoulder and pointed at the rear screen. Clear in the distance behind them two silver darts were climbing through the atmosphere toward the ship. A quick change of magnification brought them into close focus — two massively real rockets thundering through the sky. The suddenness of it was shocking.

“I think they’re going to have a very good try at applying to us,” said Ford.

Zaphod stared at them in astonishment.

“Hey, this is terrific!” he said. “Someone down there is trying to kill us!”

“Terrific,” said Arthur.

“But don’t you see what this means?”

“Yes. We’re going to die.”

“Yes, but apart from that.”

“Apart from that?”

“It means we must be on to something!”

“How soon can we get off it?”

Second by second the image of the missiles on the screen grew larger. They had swung round now on to a direct homing course so that all that could be seen of them now was the warheads, head-on.

“As a matter of interest,” said Trillian, “what are we going to do?”

“Just keep cool,” said Zaphod.

“Is that all?” shouted Arthur.

“No, we’re also going to … er … take evasive action!” said Zaphod with a sudden access of panic. “Computer, what evasive action can we take?”

“Er, none, I’m afraid, guys,” said the computer.

“Or something,” said Zaphod, “ … er …” he said.

“There seems to be something jamming my guidance systems,” explained the computer brightly, “impact minus forty-five seconds. Please call me Eddie if it will help you to relax.”

Zaphod tried to run in several equally decisive directions simultaneously.

“Right!” he said. “Er …we’ve got to get manual control of this ship.”

“Can you fly her?” asked Ford pleasantly.

“No, can you?”

“No.”

“Trillian, can you?”

“No.”

“Fine,” said Zaphod, relaxing. “We’ll do it together.”