“Are you referring to my daughter?”

“As politely as I can. She’s the next one in the chain who will think that everything is going fabulously for her. She can beat whoever she likes around the head with bits of the landscape, everything will just swim for her until she’s done whatever she’s supposed to do and then it will be all up for her too. It’s reverse temporal engineering, and clearly nobody understood what was being unleashed!”

“Like me, for instance.”

“What? Oh, wake up, Arthur. Look, let me try it again. The new Guide came out of the research labs. It made use of this new technology of Unfiltered Perception. Do you know what that means?”

“Look, I’ve been making sandwiches, for Bob’s sake!”

“Who’s Bob?”

“Never mind. Just carry on.”

“Unfiltered Perception means it perceives everything. Got that? I don’t perceive everything. You don’t perceive everything. We have filters. The new Guide doesn’t have any sense filters. It perceives everything. It wasn’t a complicated technological idea. It was just a question of leaving a bit out. Got it?”

“Why don’t I just say that I’ve got it, and then you can carry on regardless.”

“Right. Now because the bird can perceive every possible universe, it is present in every possible universe. Yes?”

“Y … e … e … s. Ish.”

“So what happens is, the bozos in the marketing and accounting departments say, ‘Oh, that sounds good, doesn’t that mean we only have to make one of them and then sell it an infinite number of times?’ Don’t squint at me like that, Arthur, this is how accountants think!”

“That’s quite clever, isn’t it?”

“No! It is fantastically stupid. Look. The machine’s only a little Guide. It’s got some quite clever cybertechnology in it, but because it has Unfiltered Perception, any smallest move it makes has the power of a virus. It can propagate throughout space, time and a million other dimensions. Anything can be focused anywhere in any of the universes that you and I move in. Its power is recursive. Think of a computer program. Somewhere, there is one key instruction, and everything else is just functions calling themselves, or brackets billowing out endlessly through an infinite address space. What happens when the brackets collapse? Where’s the final ’end if? Is any of this making sense? Arthur?”

“Sorry, I was nodding off for a moment. Something about the Universe, yes?”

“Something about the Universe, yes,” said Ford, wearily. He sat down again.

“All right,” he said. “Think about this. You know who I think I saw at the Guide offices? Vogons. Ah. I see I’ve said a word you understand at last.”

Arthur leapt to his feet.

“That noise,” he said.

“What noise?”

“The thunder.”

“What about it?”

“It isn’t thunder. It’s the spring migration of the Perfectly Normal Beasts. It’s started.”

“What are these animals you keep on about?”

“I don’t keep on about them. I just put bits of them in sandwiches.”

“Why are they called Perfectly Normal Beasts?”

Arthur told him.

It wasn’t often that Arthur had the pleasure of seeing Ford’s eyes open wide with astonishment.

Chapter 19

It was a sight that Arthur never quite got used to, or tired of. He and Ford had tracked their way swiftly along the side of the small river that flowed down along the bed of the valley, and when at last they reached the margin of the plains, they pulled themselves up into the branches of a large tree, to get a better view of one of the stranger and more wonderful visions that the Galaxy has to offer.

The great thunderous herd of thousand upon thousand of Perfectly Normal Beasts was sweeping in magnificent array across the Anhondo Plain. In the early pale light of the morning, as the great animals charged through, the fine steam of the sweat of their bodies mingled with the muddy mist churned up by their pounding hooves, their appearance seemed a little unreal and ghostly anyway, but what was heart-stopping about them was where they came from and where they went to, which appeared to be, simply, nowhere.

They formed a solid, charging phalanx roughly a hundred yards wide and half a mile long. The phalanx never moved, except that it exhibited a slight gradual drift sideways and backward for the eight or nine days that it regularly appeared for. But though the phalanx stayed more or less constant, the great beasts of which it was composed charged steadily at upward of twenty miles an hour, appearing suddenly from thin air at one end of the plain, and disappearing equally abruptly at the other end.

No one knew where they came from, no one knew where they went. They were so important to the lives of the Lamuellans, it was almost as if nobody liked to ask. Old Thrashbarg had said on one occasion that sometimes if you received an answer, the question might be taken away. Some of the villagers had privately said that this was the only properly wise thing that they’d ever heard Thrashbarg say, and after a short debate on the matter, had put it down to chance.

The noise of the pounding of the hooves was so intense that it was hard to hear anything else above it.

“What did you say?” shouted Arthur.

“I said,” shouted Ford, “this looks like it might be some kind of evidence of dimensional drift.”

“Which is what?” shouted Arthur back.

“Well, a lot of people are beginning to worry that spacetime is showing signs of cracking up with everything that’s happening to it. There are quite a lot of worlds where you can see how the landmasses have cracked up and moved around just from the weirdly long or meandering routes that migrating animals take. This might be something like that. We live in twisted times. Still, in the absence of a decent spaceport …”

Arthur looked at him in a kind of frozen way.

“What do you mean?” he said.

“What do you mean, what do I mean?” shouted Ford. “You know perfectly well what I mean. We’re going to ride our way out of here.”

“Are you seriously suggesting we try to ride a Perfectly Normal Beast?”

“Yeah. See where it goes to.”

“We’ll be killed! No,” said Arthur, suddenly. “We won’t be killed. At least I won’t. Ford, have you ever heard of a planet called Stavromula Beta?”

Ford frowned. “Don’t think so,” he said. He pulled out his own battered old copy of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and accessed it. “Any funny spelling?” he said.

“Don’t know. I’ve only ever heard it said, and that was by someone who had a mouthful of other people’s teeth. You remember I told you about Agrajag?”

Ford thought for a moment. “You mean the guy who was convinced you were getting him killed over and over again?”

“Yes. One of the places he claimed I’d got him killed was Stavromula Beta. Someone tries to shoot me, it seems. I duck and Agrajag, or at least one of his many reincarnations, gets hit. It seems that this has definitely happened at some point in time, so, I suppose, I can’t get killed at least until after I’ve ducked on Stavromula Beta. Only no one’s ever heard of it.”

“Hmm.” Ford tried a few other searches of the Hitchhiker’s Guide, but drew a blank.

“Nothing,” he said.

“I was just … no, I’ve never heard of it,” said Ford, finally. He wondered why it was ringing a very, very faint bell, though.

“Okay,” said Arthur. “I’ve seen the way the Lamuellan hunters trap Perfectly Normal Beasts. If you spear one in the herd it just gets trampled, so they have to lure them out one at a time for the kill. It’s very like the way a matador works, you know, with a brightly colored cape. You get one to charge at you and then step aside and execute a rather elegant swing through with the cape. Have you got anything like a brightly colored cape about you?”