TWENTY-EIGHT

Nothing ever happens the way you say it does — we can agree on that, right? I mean something happens to you and then you tell it and you’ve just told something different from the something that happened and that’s what people hear and they say, oh, that “monstrous, miscomprehending, appearance-believing” creep. Or that’s what you hear. You tell it to yourself. You go to the store and you buy a pound of flour and some crackers and then you say to yourself, even if only casually, I went to the store and I bought a pound of flour and some cookies, I’m hungry, maybe I’ll have one, despite the fact that I’m a “monstrous, miscomprehending, appearance-believing” creep. So a cracker is not a cookie, even if for some people it might be an adequate substitute. However, I am not one of those people and I don’t particularly like crackers, I have no idea why I would buy them. And the flour, that’s also a mystery. Why a pound of flour? To make cookies? My favorites are peanut butter and peanut butter chocolate chip. My god I used to love the way Carine would put on her French accent and say chocolate: “cho co let.” But I don’t have any peanut butter. Not here. And I don’t like crackers except with herring. So I went out to buy herring and instead I bought flour. I succeeded in getting the crackers, even in getting a good brand of crackers, Carr’s, I believe, so there you have it.

Have what, Henry?

I’ll give you a better example. Take the vanishing of Mr. Kindt. When I said that the last time I saw him he had let go of my hands and vanished, I meant something very different. I meant something more like diminishing.

So Mr. Kindt did not vanish?

No, Mr. Kindt diminished.

Explain.

I mean he was still there — not immediately, I grant you, he did do the thin-air thing then went away for a few days, or whatever you would call them, to make himself available to his swimmer, but soon enough he was back. He was back, but his eyes were no longer such a pretty blue and his neck seemed to have straightened and he didn’t talk to me anymore about stealing and withholding meds. Even when I brought these subjects up, he acted like he hadn’t heard me.

In what way was he there?

He’s still there. You want to go see him? Maybe we can catch him conversing with his wet friend.

Later. In what way is he there?

He comes to my room, like before, only he doesn’t get in my bed and watch TV with me anymore, and he doesn’t show any interest in cigars or Hank Williams or in eating herring.

What does he do?

He talks. He stands by the window and looks out through the black netting and talks about the same old things. The things he used to talk about. Before.

Like what?

Like himself. Like mist. Drifting out over everything. Blurring all the borders. Or like annihilation. About having annihilated someone and through that annihilation having been himself annihilated in the exact center point of his meaning, like herring that are annihilated as they are rising.

But he is no longer interested in eating the fish?

That’s what I said.

But you are?

I’ve picked up the habit. It’s almost like an addiction.

What is Mr. Kindt doing here, Henry?

It wasn’t me.

Then you persist.

Of course I persist.

Inadvisable, but that’s not what we’re discussing here.

What are we discussing here?

Your ongoing relationship with Mr. Kindt. Since his murder. His great interest in you.

Well what about the wet guy’s interest in him?

Again, that is not the conversation we are having.

You’re right. I’m sorry. Still, I don’t know why he’s bothering me. If anything, I ought to be bothering him.

Why do you say that?

I don’t quite know, it’s just a sense that whatever happened was part of an exchange. But I can’t quite get there. Just like Mr. Kindt can’t quite figure out the swimmer yet. I was thinking maybe I would ask my aunt, if she ever comes back. Maybe she could help. Maybe she’s figured out how it all works.

I’m not sure she has, Henry.

I’m not sure either, but anyway, as you said, we were discussing Aris Kindt. My Aris Kindt. In all his diminished splendor. Would you like to hear more about him? Would that help further our discussion, push us forward, get us somewhere? Shall I play the part, try on the mask, do my dear dead friend, do Aris, as over and over again Aris does himself?

All right.

I was born in seventeenth-century Leiden, where I grew up in solitude, left, by my family, to my own devices, except for the many beatings my father administered. We drank milk in great quantities when it was to be had, and I can still hear the sound of butter being made and smell the churn. My father was a quiver maker, which I became after him although I was not so deeply blessed in this capacity with skill. My mother was a darling woman. My father beat her once too often and she left a scarlet trail across the snow. Then I left Leiden forever because I had to. It was not a lovely life and I used to poach ducks from the canals and for a time lived in an abandoned windmill. That isn’t true. For a time I lived in the most miserable of hovels. My dream was to go to Amsterdam. It was difficult to go to Amsterdam. I kept getting caught. Once I beat a man. Too much. Once also there was an incident involving a young woman. Many incidents. I disliked death. Too much mist. Some nights I would dream about my father and young sister. Also I would dream of New Amsterdam. It was truly new then and every boy had seen the great triple-masters in their dreams. Once I stole a potion from a very old man in Maastricht. I drank the potion and fell into a dream. In the dream I saw a man much like myself lying in a ditch at the edge of a green field covered with frost. I went up to the man and kicked him and he awoke. It was me.

Who do you mean by “me”?

Mr. Kindt. The centuries-old version.

All right, continue.

It’s you, the sleeping man said. I was just dreaming about you. In my dream you were lying in a field just like this one. Oh, I said. Actually, there was never any potion. There was a theft, but it was brandy I stole. I woke up in the field. Cold. I was freezing. I returned to town and tried to steal a man’s cape. The man was a magistrate. I seemed to be in Amsterdam. Then I was hung. A thick mist swirled around me. Then I was harrowed. In a great hall with high dark ceilings and candles and glass jars and an audience in attendance. I was on a stage, on a slab, and a painter had been commissioned to paint me, to paint them.

Rembrandt.

Yes, Rembrandt. The painting is called The Anatomy Lesson. My German author gives much thought to the matter, conjectures that Rembrandt secretly sympathized with Mr. Kindt, saw the violence that had been done to him.

To you.

No. Not to me. Well, yes, to me with this mask on. It’s a little convoluted. Let me take it off for a second. Consider it taken off. O.K., there was a historical Mr. Kindt. A petty thief named Aris Kindt who was hung then dissected then painted by Rembrandt.

With whom you identify.

I’m just Henry again.

With whom Mr. Kindt identified. They shared a name.

Yes. Mr. Kindt, my Mr. Kindt, had borrowed the name from a certain Mr. Kindt who had only used it for some weeks.

Borrowed it?

Let’s just say that the temporary user of the name didn’t need it anymore.

How many Mr. Kindts are there?

At least three, only one of whom, to the best of our knowledge, could swim, but now it’s only the first one that matters.

Why?

Ask Mr. Kindt.

He’s dead, Henry.

Who isn’t?

Dr. Tulp made a note in her book then looked at me.

Anything else?

Lots. Descartes was there, they say, as was, possibly, Sir Thomas Browne. Did you know that in those days we still believed that after death one could feel pain? I certainly could. Most excruciating were the extremities. The first thing he did was to open up my arm.