Hm, the devil, an actual general! The other grave, from which the fawning voice was coming, had no memorial as yet, just a slab; must have been a newcomer. A court councillor, by his voice.
“Oh, woe, woe, woe!” quite a new voice came, some thirty-five feet from the general’s place, this time from under a perfectly fresh little grave—a male and low-class voice, but gone lax in a reverentially tender manner.
“Oh, woe, woe, woe!”
“Ah, he’s hiccuping again!” suddenly came the squeamish and haughty voice of an irritated lady, seemingly of high society. “What a punishment to be next to this shopkeeper!”
“I didn’t hiccup, I didn’t even take any food, it’s just my nature, that’s all. And you, lady, with all these caprices of yours, you simply never can calm down.”
“Why did you lie here, then?”
“I got laid here, I got laid by my spouse and little children, I didn’t lay myself. The mystery of death! And I’d never lay next to you for anything, not even gold; but I’m laying by my own capital, according to the price, ma’am. For we’re always able to pay up for our little third-class grave.”
“Saved up? Cheated people?”
“Much I could cheat you, when there’s been no payment from you, I reckon, since January. You’ve run up quite a little account in our shop.”
“Well, this is stupid; I think looking for debts here is very stupid! Take yourself up there. Ask my niece; she’s my heir.”
“Where am I going to ask now, and where am I going to go? We’ve both reached the limit, and before God’s judgment we’re equal in our trespasses.”
“In our trespasses!” the dead lady contemptuously mimicked. “Don’t you dare even speak to me at all!”
“Oh, woe, woe, woe!”
“Nevertheless, the shopkeeper obeys the lady, Your Excellency.”
“Why shouldn’t he?”
“Well, you know, Your Excellency, considering there’s a new order here.”
“What sort of new order?”
“But we’ve died, so to speak, Your Excellency.”
“Ah, yes! Well, there’s still order…”
Well, thank you very much! Some comfort, really! If it’s come to that here, what can we expect on the upper floor? But, anyhow, what antics! I went on listening, however, though with boundless indignation.
“No, I could live a little! No… you know, I… could live a little!” suddenly came someone’s new voice, from somewhere in between the general and the irritable lady.
“Listen, Your Excellency, our man’s at it again. For three days he’s silent as can be, then suddenly: ‘I could live a little, no, I could live a little!’ And with, you know, such appetite, hee, hee!”
“And such light-mindedness.”
“It’s getting to him, Your Excellency, and, you know, he falls asleep, he’s fast asleep already, he’s been here since April, and suddenly: ‘I could live a little!’ ”
“A bit boring, though,” His Excellency observed.
“A bit boring, Your Excellency, maybe we’ll tease Avdotya Ignatievna again, hee, hee?”
“Ah, no, I beg you, spare me that. I can’t stand that insolent loudmouth.”
“And I, on the other hand, can stand neither of you,” the loudmouth squeamishly retorted. “You’re both utterly boring and cannot talk about anything ideal. And as for you, Your Excellency—you needn’t swagger so—I know a little story of how a lackey swept you from under some marital bed one morning with a broom.”
“Nasty woman!” the general growled through his teeth.
“Avdotya Ignatievna, dearie,” the shopkeeper suddenly cried out again, “my dear lady, meaning no harm, tell me what it is, am I visiting the torments,8 or is something else happening?…”
“Ah, he’s at it again, I just knew it, because I get this smell from him, this smell, it’s from him tossing around there.”
“I don’t toss around, dearie, and there’s no special smell from me, because I preserved myself in the wholeness of my body, and it’s you, dear lady, who’s a bit gone off—because the smell really is unbearable, even considering the place. I don’t say anything only out of politeness.”
“Ah, nasty offender! Such a stink coming from him, and he shifts it onto me.”
“Oh, woe, woe, woe! If only the fortieth day9 would come sooner: to hear the tearful voices above me, the wailing of my spouse and the quiet weeping of my children!…”
“Well, look what he’s weeping about: they’ll stuff their faces with kutya10 and leave. Ah, if only someone would wake up!”
“Avdotya Ignatievna,” the fawning official spoke. “Wait a bit, the new ones will speak.”
“And are any of them young?”
“There are young ones, Avdotya Ignatievna. Adolescents, even.”
“Ah, that would be most welcome!”
“And what, they haven’t started yet?” His Excellency inquired.
“Even the ones from two days ago haven’t come to yet, Your Excellency, you know yourself they’re sometimes silent for a whole week. It’s a good thing so many suddenly got brought all at once yesterday, and the day before, and today. Otherwise, for a hundred feet around, they’re all from last year.”
“Yes, interesting.”
“Look, Your Excellency, today they buried the actual privy councillor Tarasevich, I could tell from the voices. His nephew is an acquaintance of mine, he was lowering the coffin just now.”
“Hm, is he here somewhere?”
“About five steps away from you, Your Excellency, to the left. Almost at your feet, sir… You ought to get acquainted, Your Excellency.”
“Hm, no… I can’t be the first.”
“But he’ll start it himself, Your Excellency. He’ll even be flattered, leave it to me, Your Excellency, and I…”
“Ah, ah… ah, what’s happened to me?” someone’s frightened, new little voice suddenly groaned.
“A new one, Your Excellency, a new one, thank God, and so soon! Other times they’re silent for a whole week.”
“Ah, I think it’s a young man!” squealed Avdotya Ignatievna.
“I… I… from complications, and so suddenly!” the young man prattled again. “Just the day before, Schulz says to me: you have complications, he says, and in the morning all at once I up and died. Ah! Ah!”
“Well, no help for it, young man,” the general observed benignly, obviously glad of the newcomer, “you must take comfort! Welcome to our, so to speak, valley of Jehoshaphat.11 We’re kindly folk, you’ll come to know and appreciate us. Major General Vassily Vassiliev Pervoedov, at your service.”
“Ah, no! No, no, not to me! I went to Schulz; I had complications, you know, it got my chest first and I coughed, and then I caught cold: chest and grippe… and then suddenly, quite unexpectedly… above all, quite unexpectedly.”
“You say it was the chest first,” the official softly intervened, as if wishing to encourage the newcomer.
“Yes, the chest and phlegm, and suddenly no phlegm, and the chest, and I couldn’t breathe… and you know…”
“I know, I know. But if it was your chest, you should have gone to Ecke, not to Schulz.”
“And, you know, I kept thinking of Botkin12… and suddenly…”
“Well, Botkin’s a bit stiff,” the general observed.
“Ah, no, he’s not stiff at all; I hear he’s so attentive and tells you everything beforehand.”
“His Excellency was referring to the cost,” the official corrected.
“Ah, come now, just three roubles, and he examines so well, and his prescriptions… and I absolutely wanted to, because I was told… What about it, gentlemen, shall I go to Ecke or to Botkin?”
“What? Where?” the general’s corpse heaved, guffawing pleasantly. The official seconded him in falsetto.
“Dear boy, dear, delightful boy, how I love you!” Avdotya Ignatievna squealed rapturously. “I wish they’d laid one like him next to me!”
No, this I simply cannot allow! And this is a contemporary dead person! However, I must listen further and not jump to conclusions. This milksop newcomer—I remember him in his coffin just now—the expression of a frightened chick, the most disgusting in the world! What next, though.