“I'm an ass, of course,” he said, dark as a storm cloud, “but then...so are you.”

“No, brother, not me. I don't have such foolish dreams.”

They walked on silently, and only as they were nearing Raskolnikov's house did Razumikhin, who was greatly preoccupied, break the silence.

“Listen,” he said to Zossimov, “you're a nice fellow, but, on top of all your other bad qualities, you're also a philanderer, I know that, and a dirty one. You're a piece of nervous, weak-willed trash, you're whimsical, you've grown fat and can't deny yourself anything—and I call that dirty, because it leads straight to dirt. You've pampered yourself so much that, I confess, the thing I'm least able to understand is how with all that you can still be a good and even selfless physician. You sleep on a feather bed (you, a doctor!), yet you get up in the night for a sick man! In three years or so you won't be getting up for any sick man...But, the devil, that's not the point; the point is that you'll be spending the night in the landlady's apartment (it took a lot to convince her!), and I in the kitchen—so here's a chance for you to get more closely acquainted! It's not what you're thinking! Not a shadow of it, brother . . .”

“But I'm not thinking anything.”

“What you have here, brother, is modesty, reticence, shyness, fierce chastity, and for all that—a few sighs and she melts like wax, just melts away! Deliver me from her, in the name of all the devils in the world! She's such a winsome little thing! ... I'll earn it, I'll earn it with my head!”

Zossimov guffawed more than ever.

“Well, you've really got it bad! But what do I need her for?”

“I guarantee it won't be much trouble; just talk whatever slop you like, just sit next to her and talk. Besides, you're a doctor, you can start treating her for something. I swear you won't regret it. She has a piano there; I can strum a little, you know; there's one song I sing, a Russian song, a real one: 'I'll bathe myself in bitter tears . . .' She likes the real ones—well, so it started with a little song; but you are a piano virtuoso, a maestro, a Rubinstein^[69]...I guarantee you won't regret it.”

“Why, did you give her some sort of promise? A formal receipt or something? Maybe you promised to marry...”

“Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing of the sort! And she's not like that at all; Chebarov tried to . . .”

“Just drop her, then!”

“But I can't just drop her like that!”

“But why can't you?”

“Well, somehow I can't, that's all! There's a sucking-in principle here, brother.”

“Then why have you been leading her on?”

“But I haven't been leading her on at all; maybe I got led on myself, in my stupidity; and for her it makes absolutely no difference whether it's you or me, as long as somebody sits next to her and sighs. Look, brother...I don't know how to phrase it for you, but look—you know a lot about mathematics, for instance, and you're still studying it, I know...so, start teaching her integral calculus— by God, I'm not joking, I'm serious, it'll be decidedly all the same to her; she'll look at you and sigh, and so on for a whole year. I, incidentally, spent a very long time, two days in a row, telling her about the Prussian House of Lords^[70] (because otherwise what can you talk to her about?)—and she just sighed and stewed! Only don't start talking about love—she's shy to the point of convulsions—but still make it look as if you can't leave her side—and that's enough. It's terribly comfortable, just like home—read, sit, lie down, write...You can even kiss her, if you do it carefully...”

“But what do I need her for?”

“Eh, really, I can't seem to explain it to you! You see, the two of you suit each other perfectly! I even thought about you before...You'll end up with it anyway! Do you care whether it's sooner or later? Here, brother, there's this feather-bed principle—eh, and not only a feather-bed principle! It sucks you in, it's the end of the world, an anchor, a quirt haven, the navel of the earth, the three-fish foundation of the world, the essence of pancakes, rich meat pies, evening samovars, soft sighs and warm vests, heated beds on the stove—well, just as if you died and were alive at the same time, both benefits at once! Well, the devil, brother, I've talked enough rot, it's time for bed! Listen, I sometimes wake up at night, so I'll go and look in on him. Only it's nothing, nonsense, everything's fine. You needn't worry especially, but if you want, you can look in once. But if you notice anything, delirium, for instance, or a fever, or whatever, wake me up immediately. It's not possible, though . . .”

II

Preoccupied and serious, Razumikhin woke up the next day between seven and eight. In the morning he suddenly turned out to have many new and unforeseen perplexities. He had never before imagined that he would wake up like that one day. He recalled every last detail of the previous day, realizing that something uncommon had befallen him, and that he had received into himself a certain impression heretofore unknown to him and unlike any other. At the same time he clearly understood that the dream that had begun burning in his head was in the highest degree unrealizable—so unrealizable that he was even ashamed of it, and he hurried on to other, more urgent cares and perplexities bequeathed him by that “thrice-cursed yesterday.”

His most terrible recollection was of how “base and vile” he had turned out to be, not only because he was drunk, but because, taking advantage of the girl's situation, he had abused her fiancé before her, out of stupidly hasty jealousy, not only knowing nothing of their mutual relations and commitments but not even knowing the man himself properly. And what right did he have to judge him so hastily and rashly? And who had invited him to be a judge! Was such a being as Avdotya Romanovna indeed capable of giving herself to an unworthy man for money? So there must be some worth in him. The rooms? But how, in fact, could he have known they were that sort of rooms? He was having an apartment made ready, after all... pah, how base it all was! He was drunk, but what sort of justification was that? A silly excuse, which humiliated him even more! The truth is in wine, and so this whole truth told itself—”that is, all the filth of his envious, boorish heart!” And was such a dream in any degree permissible for him, Razumikhin? Who was he compared with such a girl—he, a drunken brawler and yesterday's braggart? “Is such a cynical and ridiculous juxtaposition possible?” Razumikhin blushed desperately at the thought of it, and suddenly, as if by design, at the same moment he clearly recalled standing on the stairs yesterday, telling them that the landlady would be jealous of Avdotya Romanovna on account of him...that was really unbearable. He swung with all his might and hit the kitchen stove with his fist, hurting his hand and knocking out a brick.

“Of course,” he muttered to himself after a moment, with some feeling of self-abasement, “of course, now I can never paint or smooth over all those nasty things...so there's no point in thinking about it, I must simply go silently and...do my duty...also silently...and not apologize or say anything, and...and, of course, all is lost now!”

Nevertheless, as he was getting dressed, he looked over his outfit more carefully than usual. He had no other clothes, and even if he had, he would perhaps not have put them on—”just so, I wouldn't, on purpose.” But all the same he could not go on being a cynic and a dirty sloven: he had no right to offend other people's feelings, all the more so in that those others needed him and were calling him to them. He gave his clothes a careful brushing. And the linen he wore was always passable; in that sense he was particularly clean.