“My mother is a fanatic about me. She looks down on everyone.” I felt panicked, and I wanted to convince him that whatever he was thinking wasn‘t really what he needed to be thinking. I wanted to talk him out of whatever it was he was planning, because I was so scared to let him go.
“I’m not an idiot, Brenna.” Jake wrapped his hand around mine. “I haven’t had many adults take an interest in me. I appreciate your mom’s honesty. I really do. I don’t have much going for me now, and she’s upfront enough to realize it and call me out.”
“That’s not true, Jake!” I cried, because I wanted badly for it to be not true. Despite how I really felt.
“I’m not on your level, Bren.” He smiled, and it was so sad, it made my throat catch. “I’m not ready to travel the world and go to college and make something of myself. I know I can stay right where I am and be fairly successful, in Sussex County, by Sussex County standards. But it’s not really about money or financial success. I know that. If I want to keep you, I have to think about moving on.”
My eyes filled with tears. “No you don’t,” I said, my voice jumbled in panic. “That’s stupid, Jake. This is all based on what? A few looks from my mother? This is insane!”
“Bren,” Jake said gently. “You know what I’m talking about. It’s like you inviting me to Italy. I want it. I think. But it’s so out of the realm of my reality. At least I thought it was.” He held his hands up then lowered them. Like he wanted to make his point, but he wasn’t positive how to do it. I waited patiently for him to stitch his ideas together.
“You know, I went to the library and got the tapes and I learned some Italian. Like, I have a grasp on a foreign language. Then I got this image of myself as that guy, that guy who gets the tapes from the local library and learns it all, then goes back home to his dad’s shitty lake house every night and does nothing about it. I’m not going to rot here, a guy with a whole lot of potential but no opportunities! I‘ve seen that play out, and it’s just depressing.”
“Then don’t be. But that doesn’t mean you have to leave! You can stay here and prove everyone wrong!” I put my hands on his cheeks and kissed him softly, then pulled away.
“I’m not planning anything just yet. But, after next year, I’m gone, Bren. I have to be. For you. If I want to keep you.” He moved a hand over my cheek. “And I love you more than anything in this world, so I’ll do it, even if it rips my heart out.”
“What if I’m not waiting for you when you come back?” I laid the ultimatum out, desperate. It was my last ditch effort to convince him that he was a total psycho and his plan was pure bullshit. If I could, I would have dumped him just as a scare tactic. But I was way too chickenshit to try that again.
His hands shook a little, and when he looked up, his eyes were wild with pain. “Then you were ready for better than me. I’m trying to prepare myself for that, because I think it’s a possibility. What’s the chance that I’ll get the opportunity to date you past high school?”
I hated that he was asking me that question, and I hated my own gut reaction to the idea of us dating past high school. No matter what I wanted, yearned for, the reality was just a logical fact, and I knew that the chances of staying happy with your high school boyfriend were slim to none. But, despite the logic, I loved him so much, I wanted to defy the odds. With him.
“Why are you saying this?” I asked, my eyes singed hot and dry and my throat scratchy. “Why are you bringing this up now?”
He let out a long breath, then put his head in his hands. When he looked up at me, his eyes were serious, too serious. He was going to tell me something I didn’t want to hear at all.
“My father…my real father contacted me a few weeks ago,” Jake said slowly.
It took a full minute for the words to sink in. “When?” I asked. I searched my mental data base, scanning for a day when Jake had seemed particularly hurt or down or up or…anything. But I couldn’t remember a single thing that seemed out of the ordinary.
“It was the beginning of the month,” Jake said. “I got a letter, and there was a phone number. He wants me to call, to talk to him.”
“Have you called him?” I tried to shake the shock that grabbed me hard by the throat. He didn’t tell me? Why did he keep it from me? Why would he have gone through something like that on his own?
“Not yet. His letter…it was a lot to take in.” He couldn’t meet my eyes, and it was easy for me to see why. He was ashamed. “He pretty much told me that he felt bad for never contacting me, that his family has a lot of money, and that he wants to give me a push in the world. Like, he wants to help me make something of myself.”
Make something of himself? Like Jake wasn’t good enough exactly as he was? And where the hell had his father been for the last seventeen years of Jake’s life? Hadn’t Jake considered all of these things?
“Do you want his help?” I asked, careful to conceal the hurt in my voice.
“I’ve never had an offer like this.” Jake shrugged a little. “I sort of want to tell him to fuck himself, you know?” I did know. That was the first thing I had expected Jake to tell his father. “But I also feel like I want to take what he’s holding out. How often do you get that kind of opportunity? And it might bring me to your level.”
I shook my head. “Stop that! My level? Come on, this is stupid! You don’t have to sell out to your scumbag father to be good enough for me! You’re perfect the way you are. And you’re a hard worker. Whatever you want, you can get it on your own.”
This time, when he laughed, it was bitter-sounding. “Babe, it’s just not that easy.”
“Why not?” I challenged. “I believe in you. I know you can do whatever you want.”
“Damn it!” He ran his hands through his hair. He stood up and paced Saxon’s enormous room. “Yeah, I could do it! I guess. If I work my ass off and never catch a break and eat everyone’s shit! I can take twice as long as I have to to get what I want. Christ, I’m tired of busting my ass for every damn thing, and I‘ve hardly started doing it yet! I’m seventeen years old, and I’m fucking tired! I don’t want to look at my whole life doing the same damn thing. I want something to come fucking easy for once. Can’t you understand that?”
“Nothing comes easy,” I countered.
He looked at me and bit his tongue. Because he was a gentleman. But I knew exactly what he was thinking; I had never had to face real hardship. I had never had to make the choice to bust my ass just to keep myself in clothes and food and a couple of luxuries. I had never once shown up anywhere and had anyone look down their nose at me. I had never had to think, I’m not good enough to sit with this person. I’m not smart enough for this person.I had lived a charmed life in so many ways. He hadn’t.
“Everything comes easy to some people.” He didn’t meet my eyes. He wasn’t going to say it, wasn’t going to call me out. “I’ve never been one of those people, but I might be ready to be there.”
“You’ll change,” I said weakly, feeling like a coward. If Jake felt like this was some kind of golden opportunity, I should be happy for him. Right?
“I need to do that anyway.” He grabbed my hand and rubbed it soothingly. “I’ll still be me. I’ll still be Jake.”
I shook my head. “How can you say that? How do I know that for sure? It’s a big gamble, right?”
“Maybe.” He leaned over and kissed me softly. “I have nothing to lose. I feel like I might have to take it.”
We sat in the cold quiet of Saxon’s room.
“If this isn’t happening until next year, why did you bring it up?” I knew I was fishing for some more news I didn’t want.
He leaned his head back on the couch and looked up at the ceiling.
“You’re going to get that spot at the workshop in Ireland this summer.”