Although it’s untrue that rubbing a toad causes warts, it does give the toad a hard-on.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

THE POPE WEARS LOAFERS

I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.

What is all this dinner-and-a-movie shit? Why can’t people just go somewhere and fuck for three or four hours?

In restaurants where they serve frog’s legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see “frog torsos” on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn’t want to be a homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that.

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

If you practice throwing the discus alone, you have to go get it yourself.

It’s fun to go into the hospital room of a terminal patient and whisper to him, “Hang on. We’re working on a miracle drug. It’ll be ready in about five years.”

I really don’t care if we have a nuclear war as long as I can get some French fries.

I’m one of those people who hope Elvis Presley is really dead. Buddy Holly too. “The day the music died,” shit. As far as I’m concerned, it was the day the music got better. All those guys did was steal and water down black music to make it safe and easy to digest for fearful white kids. Here’s a toast to all the great black artists who got ripped off by no-talent white thieves.

One thing nice about being dead is that you immediately become eligible to appear on stamps and money.

Cat’s thought: “I sure could do with a nice rat.”

Oxen can be trained to genuflect and whistle softly in the moonlight.

Have you ever noticed the escalator handrail and the thing you’re standing on don’t move at the same speed?

You know what you rarely see? A ninety-three-year-old guy workin’ on his résumé.

I don’t mind government regulation, but requiring people to wear helmets during intercourse is a bit much.

Whom does a male ladybug dance with?

Did you ever notice that apparently the Lone Ranger and Tonto never got their laundry done?

I pray each night that someday on a single afternoon, several major news stories will break within a few hours of each other. I would love to see two 747s colliding above Times Square, the president and vice president getting assassinated, Iran and Israel having a nuclear exchange, the Dow Jones dropping 8,500 points, and California having an earthquake measuring 13.7. It would be fun watching the news channels try to cope with it all. And you know what would really be fun? Reading the newspapers for the following few weeks.

I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Not Much to Do Dept.: Someone has actually gone to the trouble of determining that Columbus, Ohio, has the best-dressed police force.

Here’s how you get rid of counterfeit money: Put it in the collection plate at church.

I don’t understand the problem some people have with paroling Charles Manson. I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him.

When people say “clean as a whistle,” they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-78” ??ORGAN DONOR PROGRAMS ?

I’m not too enthusiastic about this organ donor idea. What bothers me most is that it’s run by the Motor Vehicles Bureau. I figure if I have to wait in line that long for a kidney, fuck it. I’ll do without.

They send you a little card you’re supposed to carry in your wallet next to your driver’s license. You’re supposed to list the organs you’re willing to donate in case you die. Are these people crazy? Do you honestly believe that if a paramedic finds that card on you after an accident he’s gonna be trying to save your life? No way! He’s lookin’ for parts.

“Look, Sid! Here’s that lower intestine we’ve been hoping for. Never mind the CPR, this man’s a donor!”

Fuck that. If these people want something of mine, they can have my appendix. That’s it. That’s all I’m giving. Put it in the cooler and get the fuck outta here.

Plugging Along

And don’t go pulling any plugs on me, either. That’s another bunch of macho bullshit floating around. People talkin’ about, “Aw, just pull the plug on me. If I’m comatose? Lyin’ there like a vegetable? Just go ahead and pull the plug.”

And I say, FUCK YOU! LEAVE MY PLUG ALONE!! Get an extension cord for my plug! I want everything you got: tubes, cords, plugs, probes, electrodes, IVs. You find I got an orifice that’s not bein’ used, stick a fuckin’ tube in it. Vegetable, shit! I don’t care if I look like an artichoke. Save my ass!

If you ever find out I’m comatose just remember there are three things I gotta have: ice cream, morphine, and TV. Give me that ice cream about every two hours; give me that morphine about, oh, every ten minutes; and turn on the fuckin’ TV!! I wanna watch Survivor!

And don’t be comin’ to visit me, either. I got no time for live people. I’m brain-dead, here. Ain’t you people got no respect for the brain-dead? Hey, you gotta be brain-dead to watch Survivor! in the first place; you might as well watch it when you’re clinically brain-dead.

Now, one more thought concerning this comatose stuff. This might come in handy someday. If you know a homosexual who is comatose, remember, you can always comfort his family by saying, “Look at it this way, folks. He was a fruit, now he’s a vegetable. At least he’s still in the produce section.”

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-79” ??ON THE BEACH: THE MOVIE ?

It is said that just before you die your life flashes before your eyes; especially if it’s a sudden death. It’s like a little personal movie of your own. But it doesn’t make sense to me. Mathematically, how would it work?

Let’s say you’re swimming at the beach, you get caught in a riptide, and it pulls you out to sea. You panic and begin swallowing water. Since you’re about to die, the flashback movie begins to roll.

It seems to me that if it’s really a flashback of your entire life, you’d have to watch the whole thing, and that would include the ending. Which means seeing yourself arrive at the beach, walk into the surf, start to drown, and have the movie start all over again. Therefore you’d have to watch it a second time, which would include arriving at the beach, walking into the surf, and . . . you get what I mean? Thanks to the flashback, you can never die. The movie runs forever.

? HYPERLINK “file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html” \l “TOC-80” ??“I COULDN’T COMMIT SUICIDE IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT” ?

So Little Time

Whenever I hear that someone has committed suicide I wonder one thing. Not Why did he do it? or What was he thinking? I wonder, How did he find the time? Who has time to be running around committing suicide these days? Aren’t you busy? Don’t you have things to do? I do. Suicide would be way down on my list. It would come much later, for example, than setting my neighbor’s house on fire. Believe me, I would have to work suicide into an already very crowded schedule. I’d probably try a little self-mutilation at first, just to get started. See if I like the general concept.

When you think about it, the planning alone would create all sorts of tasks. First, you’d have to choose a method. That’s big. And that might take a while; there are so many good ways to go.