One good result, of course, would be that during the actual dancing, no fighting could take place. But the plan would also tend to reduce violence during the remainder of the year, because for six months following the dance, everyone would be talking about how much fun they had had, and for the six months after that, they would all be busy planning what to wear to next year’s dance.

Another plan I have is World Peace Through Formal Introductions. The idea is that everyone in the world would be required to meet everyone else in the world, formally, at least once. You’d have to look the person in the eye, shake hands, repeat their name, and try to remember one outstanding physical characteristic. My theory is, if you knew everyone in the world personally, you’d be less inclined to fight

C A R L I N GEORGE

them in a war: “Who? The Malaysians? Are you kidding? T 6 know those people!” The biggest problem with compulsory, world-wide formal introductions would be logistics. How would it work? Would you line up everyone in the world single file and 4 have one person at a time move down the line meeting all the others? And then when they finish they get on the end K of the line, and the next person starts?

Or would you divide everyone into two long lines and have them move past each other laterally? That seems inefficient, because, for at least part of the time, each line would have a large number of people with nothing to do. And also, once you finished the first pass, everyone would 0 ? still have to meet the people in their own line.

Either way, it would take a very long time. In fact, children would be born during the introductions, and then you’d have to meet them, too. .

And it’s probably important to remember that because

of their longer names, some nationalities would move through the line more slowly than others. Russians, for example. Russian names tend to be long. If you ever bought an ID bracelet for a Russian person, you know what I mean. The engraving alone can run over two hundred dollars. \ I’m afraid the Russians would move through the line very slowly: “Vladimir Denisovitch Zhirinovski, this is Yevgeny Vasily Arbatov. Yevgeny Vasily Arbatov, meet Vladimir Denisovitch Zhirinovski.” Major delay.

On the other hand, the Chinese tend to have short names. “Chin Lu, Wu Han. Wu Han, Chin Lu.” Bing! See ya

brain droppings later! Movin’ right along. Which is why there are so many Chinese: less time saying hello, more time to fuck. Peace on you. But only if you really deserve it. COnC BACK AnD SEE U8. HEAR?

I suppose it would be nice if reincarnation were a reality, but 1 have problems with the math. At some point, originally, there must have been a time when there were only two human beings. They both died, and presumably their souls were reincarnated into two other bodies. But that still leaves us with only two souls. We now have nearly six billion people on the planet. Where are all the extra souls coming from? Is someone printing up souls? Wouldn’t that tend to lower their value?

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GEORGE CARLIN SHORTTAKES Irort 2) I only respect horoscopes that are specific: “Today, Neil Perleman, wearing tight-fitting wool knickers, will kill you on the crosstown bus.” ometimes we dismiss something by substituting1 the letters “s-h-rn” for the initial consonant sound in the word and then repeating the word itself: “Taxes, shmaxes!” But suppose the thing you’re dismissing already starts with the “s-h-m” sound? For instance, how do you dismiss a person named Schmidt? When a ghostwriter dies, how many people come back? I’m in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn’t include malignant tumors. Whenever I hear about a “peace-keeping force,” I wonder, If they’re so interested in peace, why do they use force? The bigger they ore. thE ujorse they smell. SATAN 15 [001 Once, at a school function, I received a dressing down for not dressing up-The keys to America: the cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun. fly watch stopped. I think I’m down a quartz.

b T a i n droppings A meltdown sounds like fun. like some kind of cheese sandwich. ex always has consequences. When Hitler’s mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. A parawhore is a woman who keeps you aroused until they can get you to a real whore. Ho one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like. Why don’t they put child molesters in a fondling home? The difference between show business and a gang bang is that in show business everybody wants to go on last. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbolist Jr. Ihe truth is, Pavlov’s dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated. A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn’t the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don’t these people communicate? I neuer watch “Sesame Street”; I know most of that stuff. ‘ read that somewhere out west recently a National Wilderness Area was closed for two days because it was too windy.

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e are conditioned to notice and emphasize the differences among ourselves, instead of the similarities. The corporate-style partitioning begins early in life: fetus, newborn infant, toddler, preschool, lower school, middle school junior high, senior high, pre-teen, teen. Get in your box and stay there! THE STATUS a ALWAYS SUCKS Is the kidney a bean-shaped organ, or is the bean a kidney-shaped legume? I like Florida; everything is in the eighties. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQs. When you cut the legs off jeans to make cutoffs, don’t you feel foolish for just a moment as you stand there holding two useless denim legs? Why does filipinostart with on /and fliilippiiiu start with F/il I think in retaliation the Jews should be allowed to kill six million Germans. It’s only fair. With fifty years of compound interest. That would come to about no million Germans. That oughta put a nice dent in bratwurst consumption. m^m heard about some guy called the Marrying Rapist. He operates with a minister-partner who performs a wedding ceremony just before the rape. Police are looking for two men in tuxedos and sneakers. Possibly carrying rice. r ?88

think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: “People who smoke will eventually cough up small brown pieces of lung.” And “Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.” A fast car that passes you at night is going somewhere. I recently had a ringing in my ear. The doctors looked inside and found a small bell. IF IT AIH’T BROKE. BREAK IT If Frank Sinatra owed you a favor, it would be fun to ask him to have one of his buddies kill Andy Williams. I get a nice safe feeling when I see a police car, and I realize I’m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine. I’m offering a special prize for first Buick on the moon. ‘ Why do shoelaces only come in certain sizes? |^H| he public will never become concerned about global warming or the I greenhouse effect. These words just aren’t scary enough. Global I means all-encompassing, warming connotes comfort, green equals I growth, and house equals shelter. Growth, shelter, and all-encom- ^Bi passing comfort. Doesn’t sound like much of a threat. Relax. u flow can a color be artificial? I look at red Jell-O, and it’s just as red as it can be. Why is it the other side of the street always crosses the street when I do?

GEORGE C A R L I N In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum known as th Caesarian section. S ometimes, when I’m told to use my own discretion, if no one is lookino I’ll use someone else’s. But I always put it back. BOTHER THE WEAK I don’t SEE the problem with deuil worship. Tou know what type of cosmetic surgery you never hear about? Nose enlargement. Hy phone number is seventeen. We got one of the early ones. What goes through a bird’s mind when he finds himself flying through a fireworks display? If you naii a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer qway? Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form? Ill hen I’m working, and the television is on, I always tu.ne in a program 111 I like. If I’m going to ignore something, I want it to, be something I \U enjoy. llo one is ever completely alone; when all is said and done, you always have yourself. I