IF IT’S NOT ONE THING, IT’S ANOTHER. Not always. Sometimes if it’s not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else altogether. . You CAN’T WIN THEM ALL. Not true. Believe it or not, there is a man in Illinois who, so far, has won them all. But don’t get too excited; it has also been discovered that under certain circumstances it is possible to lose them all. By the way, there is no record of anyone having tied them all. (y You CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. That depends on how intimately you know the other person. Maybe you can’t have it both ways at once, but if you’ve got a little time, you can probably have it six or seven ways.

THINGS HAVE TO GET BETTER, THEY CAN’T GET ANY WORSE. This is an example of truly faulty logic. Just because things can’t

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get any worse, is no reason to believe they have to gPt ter. They might just stay the same. And, by tlle Wav says things can’t get any worse? For many people thins worse and worse and worse.

NOBODY EVER SAID LIFE WAS FAIR. Not so. I specific n remember as I was growing up, at least twelve different D pie, telling me life was fair. One person put it thjs way. «jjr you will find, is fair, George.” Oddly enough, yi twelve of those people died before the age of twenty-sev&n.

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO. Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It takes two to tango together, maybe, but one person [s certainly capable of tangoing on his own. By the way, jn medieval times it was widely believed that it took twenty-six to tango.

THERE’S A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE, AND TWO TO TAKE HIM. This may have been true in the past, but now, tf you adjust for the increased population base, birth control,, and the so-called moral decline, not only are there five Suckers born every minute, there are now fifty-three to take Mm.

LIFE IS SHORT. Sorry. Life is not short, it’s ju&t that since everything else lasts so long—mountains, rivers;, stars, planets—life seems short. Actually life lasts just the iright amount of time. Until you die. Death on the other hand, is short.

WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW WON’T HURT YOU. Why d[On’t we just ask Abe Lincoln and John Kennedy about this e>ne.

ozEn n Sometimes on television they tell you to buy a frozen Mexican Well, it sounds like a good idea, but actually, before you take

out to dinner, I should think it would be a good idea to bring him hl^he house and let him warm up a little. A frozen Mexican probably wouldn’t be thinking mainly about food. By the way, isn’t Mexico a warm-weather country?

FAV0M11 REDinUUIQES total abstinence subject matter honest truth join together general public harbinger of things to come new initiative audible gasp advance warning execution-style killing future plans gather together Jewish synagogue

GEORGE CARLIN lag behind manual dexterity occasional irregularity outer rim plan ahead basic fundamentals first time ever personal friend shrug one’s shoulders BEWARE OF AGGRAVATING SPEAKERS

I am easily annoyed by people’s speech habits, and I i regard certain words and phrases as warnings to break off contact. In the interest of maintaining good mental health, I avoid the following people:

Those who can’t resist saying, “God forbid” each time . they mention the possibility of an accident or death, even though they don’t believe in God.

People who say “God rest his soul” following the mention <J of a dead person, even if they hated the person and don’t believe in God. These are the same ones who say “knock wood” and really mean it. Sometimes they’ll even glance around halfheartedly for something to knock on, before giving up and just standing there like the morons they are.

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And speaking of morons, can’t we somehow prevent adults from using words like tushie, boo-boo and no-no, when speaking to grown-ups? Why don’t we just send these people to their rooms without supper? Tell them there’s not gonna be any yummy in their tummy. And while we’re at it, let’s include all those colorful risk-takers who actually use heck and darn for emphasis. What the fuck is this, 1850?

I also think we’d be better off if we could eliminate anyone who has a “can-do” attitude, or is referred to as “take-charge,” “all-business,” or “no-nonsense.” Have these people sedated.

And let’s include the ones who describe themselves as “goal-oriented.” Please. Leave me alone.

And the ones who tell you, “I’m a people person.” Yeah? Me too. Fuck people!

And what about these guys who have no job and say to you, “Are they keepin’ ya busy?” I happen to resent even the assumption that there are people who have the authority to keep me busy. Least of all do I appreciate it from some guy who doesn’t seem to have a whole lot to do, himself.

And let’s punish every homely man who ever thought it was clever to say, “I’m not just another pretty face.”

And I think it’s time to start slapping around these people who can’t tell a simple story without repeatedly saying, “Ya know what I’m sayin’?” Here I am, trying to listen to the guy, and he’s a person who is constantly checking on how he’s doing. “Bla, bla, bla. Ya know what I’m sayin’?” No, the question is not, do I know what you’re saying, the

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question is, do you know what you’re saying? You follow on that?

I’m also getting tired of arguably. It’s weak. It tries have things both ways. Take a stand!

And here are some jock/sports-fan adjectives that should be outlawed: Listening to a sports call-in radio station for about an hour, you will be amazed at the number of times you hear the following words: incredible, unbelievable, tremendous, outstanding, big, huge, large, major, and key. Do these guys sound like maybe someone’s penis size is on their minds? 6

I can also do without people who tell me that something— anything—is either “the name of the game” or “what it’s all about.” Oh it is, huh? Well, fuck you!

And let’s lose these guys who think it’s cute to say, “Ouch!” when someone delivers a small put-down. BEWARE ALSO OF THE PRETENTIOUS AND ARROGANT SPEAKER

People who refer to themselves as “yours truly.” What kind of grandiose crap is this? Some even speak of them-A selves in the third person. Athletes and entertainers are big on this demented shit: “I’m gonna do what’s right for Leon Spinks!” I think people like this are mentally ill. And you can include those very special people who use the royal “we.”

I also instantly dismiss anyone who tells me that some ft other person “has class,” “is classy,” or “is a class act,” the last of these being the most arrogant. What these speakers are telling you is that since they are among the few people who recognize class, it is their obligation to point it out to sorry-ass folks like you. If you manage to listen to them just a little longer, you’ll find that they’re completely full of shit. 142

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This is the same type of person who uses the word “tasty” when referring to music.

The above sort of reference to class is of the same order of arrogance as the phrases “not too shabby,” “he’s no dummy,” “I give him high marks,” “he’s got his head on straight,” and “he really showed me something.” All of these phrases reek of presumed superiority.

And just when I thought all those precious twerps were about to stop saying, “Not to worry,” and “By the by,” along came “What say you?” and “At the end of the day” to deepen my suffering. “At the end of the day” is probably the most pretentious expression to come along since the “moi-ciao” crowd descended on us. “Just a tad” has a phony ring to it. So does “just a skosh.”

And be on the alert for anyone who tells you that something they did was “life-affirming.” Some celebrity said he quit doing his TV show because “it stopped being life-affirming.” Hey, Skeezix, when you finish affirming your life, get over here and give my dick a coupla yanks.