“What do you mean?” said Kaeso.

“In his declining years, Uncle decided to followed his impulses, no m-m-matter where they might lead.”

“His impulses?” said Tiberius.

Claudius glanced over his shoulder. His young wife and the wives of the twins were taking a rest, sitting on the steps of the Temple of Jupiter while their attendant slaves stood by. The three women smiled and waved, then went on with their conversation. No one else was close enough to hear. Why had he brought up the subject of Tiberius and his appetites? The fact was, Claudius needed to unburden himself. For years, he had had no one to whom he could speak in an unguarded way, not even his slaves, who either could not be trusted or upon whom he did not wish to thrust the responsibility of keeping his secrets. Looking back, he realized that there had never been anyone to whom he could speak with utter freedom except his dear friend and cousin Lucius Pinarius. Since the twins had arrived in Roma, Claudius found himself confiding in them more and more, as once he had confided in their father.

“Tiberius’s behaviour in his last years was truly shocking. The m-m-man indulged every desire, without the least restraint. What must Augustus have thought, looking down from Olympus?”

“What sort of desires?” asked Titus, curious to know more.

“How I dreaded my visits to that debauched retreat of his at Capri. At least he had the sense to confine his excesses to his private island! All those n-n-naked children wandering about. Not just nubile boys and girls, I tell you, and not just slaves, but freeborn children! Tiberius coined his own terms for them. In bed they were his spintriae – his tight little sphincters. In his bath, they were his little minnows. Uncle said there was no greater pleasure for an old man than to settle in a warm p-pool and be nibbled and suckled under water by tiny mouths while he gazed up at the pornographic mosaics on the ceiling.”

“Mosaics with pictures of people having sex?” Titus laughed. “I’ve never seen such a thing! What do you make of that, Kaeso?”

Kaeso shook his head. Claudius frowned, a bit flustered by Titus’s lack of proper outrage, but he was encouraged to see that Kaeso appeared to share his disdain.

“Oh, how Tiberius loved his p-p-pornography! The whole place was like a museum of sex, filled with the most salacious paintings and statues imaginable. I thought to find escape in the library, but the shelves contained nothing but smut – scroll upon scroll of the most salacious stories, especially written for Tiberius by slaves acquired solely for their skill at spinning such tales. Bedtime stories, he called them. Since most of his bedmates were too ill-educated or too young to read, Tiberius had artists illustrate the texts, so that he could use the pictures to show his partners exactly what he wanted them to do.”

Titus elbowed his brother. “What do you think of that, Kaeso? I never saw such books at the Great Library in Alexandria!” Kaeso made a sour face.

Claudius blinked. “But what started me on this dreadful subject? Ah, yes, my efforts to bring your father back to Roma. Well, eventually Tiberius lost all interest in running the state; he left that to his underlings and retired full-time to Capri. But every so often, when I could get Uncle to discuss something other than the gratification of his p-p-penis, I would bring up the case of your father. I pointed out that Lucius was my cousin, and that Sejanus’s agents had kept him under surveillance for years, and not once had he been heard to utter a treasonable sentiment, or to practise astrology, for that m-m-matter. I begged Tiberius to rescind your father’s banishment. But Uncle was not a forgiving sort. He wouldn’t hear of it. He wouldn’t even listen to me – except once, when I made the mistake of mentioning that Lucius had twin sons, trying to wring some pity from him, and do you know what Tiberius said? ‘How old are they? Are they pretty?’ By that time you were old enough to wear togas, and I told him so, whereupon he lost all interest and ordered me never to m-m-mention my cousin Lucius Pinarius again.”

Claudius sighed. “So, we simply had to wait for Tiberius to die. How the people detested him, by the end. When word of his death at Capri reached Roma, there was d-d-dancing in the streets. You should have seen the jubilation that swept through this city when my nephew was named his successor – the only son of Germanicus whom Tiberius hadn’t managed to kill…” His voice trailed away. He blinked and twitched.

“There were celebrations in Alexandria, too,” said Titus. “Back in Egypt, everyone says Gaius Caligula will make an ideal ruler. The legions love him. He’s young, energetic, sure of himself.”

“Yes, very sure of himself, as only a g-g-god can be,” muttered Claudius, averting his eyes. “At any rate, amid all the celebration, our new emperor expressed his willingness to hear pleas for amnesty, including mine for your father. It was granted. But the wheels of state turn slowly – you wouldn’t believe the layers of bureaucracy in this city – and of course your f-f-father needed time to settle his affairs in Alexandria before he could leave. In the last letter I received from him, he was finally making preparations for the journey. How happy Lucius was that he had convinced the two of you and your wives to come along with him. And then – a fever took both him and Acilia. So sad! But you two are here now, along with those lovely wives of yours. One always hears that Alexandrian women are the world’s most beautiful; Artemisia and Chrysanthe are proof. But here, what’s this?”

Sunlight glinted across the gold amulet that Kaeso was wearing on a chain around his neck. With a bemused expression, Claudius reached out to touch it. Kaeso smiled. “It’s a fascinum, according to our father, though you wouldn’t know to look at it. He told us it was very old, maybe even older than Roma itself.”

“Ah, yes, I thought it looked familiar. By Hercules, I had forgotten all about it! It was I who informed your father about this amulet’s history, before you boys were born. So, when he died, he p-p-passed the fascinum to you, Kaeso? I can use it to tell the two of you apart. I never knew twins who looked more alike!”

“I’m afraid you’ll need to learn some other trick to distinguish us, then,” said Kaeso. “Father’s will didn’t specify which of us should inherit it, but since his estate was split equally between us, we’ve agreed to share the fascinum. Sometimes I wear it. Sometimes Titus does.”

“Then twins can get along. You have improved upon the example of Romulus and Remus! I’ll wager your father never told you that it was I who came up with names for the two of you. No? It’s true. When he learned that Acilia had given b-b-birth to twins, he was in a quandary over which of you to give his own name, since Lucius had long been the traditional name bestowed on the firstborn male Pinarius. But the midwife made such a jumble of things that there was no way to tell which of you had come first. Besides, you were so identical in every way, it seemed unfair, perhaps even unlucky, to honour one of you with the firstborn’s name and slight the other. So your father decided to break with tradition and name neither of you Lucius. He asked for my advice. We decided to name one of you Kaeso, after a famous ancestor of yours from the Fabius family, a man who wore that very fascinum about four hundred years ago, if my theory is correct.”

“What about my name?” asked Titus.

“That was in memory of my mentor, the great scholar Titus Livius. Surely you’ve read his history of Roma? No? Not even the p-p-parts about the ancient Pinarii?” Claudius shook his head. “I’m sure I gave your father a copy, long ago.”

“I think it’s among the books we brought with us from Alexandria,” said Titus.

“I wonder if your father ever read it. Ah well, neither he nor his father had much interest in the past. But a man must honour his ancestors. Who else made us, and how else did we come to exist?”