Jaime Nosehada

Chairman of the Special Committee

on the Quality of Life

BATBOY

I’ve loved baseball since I was a kid-not just playing and watching it, but its lore, its history. It is, I suppose, the game for someone who, like me, trained as a historian: It has more respect for its past and more detailed records of that past, than any other major American sport. This story is a Ring Lardner pastiche, save that its hero encounters problems on and off the field that none of Lardner’s southern boys ever had to deal with.

Boston

September 3, 191-

Dear Willie,

You’ll see by the address and the picture that was took of me the other day what has happened. Sure enough the Browns has bought my contract and I am in the BIGS at last! The way I found out was like this. I had just finished shutting out Knoxville when old Charlie told me the owner wanted to tell me somethin. I thot I was in dutch again especially when he ups amp; says Rip we’re gonna have to get rid o you this time. But he had a grin and a train ticket amp; so here I am.

They is all dam yankees up here excepting some of the ballplayers. The country is pretty but its full of rocks. They do feed you good. I have had scrod which is almost as good as catfish.

I have a roommate for the hotel. His name is Laszlo Kovacs or some bohunk thing like that. Hes a rook too up from Syracuse. He plays second mostly. Not a bad fellow I guess. Dont say much tho. Well I can talk enuf for two as you has told me before this.

Got to stop now. They is yelling for me to go down to this Fenway Park where the Red Sox are at. It is a nice place to play. Pass my love on to Ma amp; say Hello to Sally for me. I wouldnt ask you to do that if you wasnt married, amp; my Brother. Show her the picture of me in my uniform if you get the chance.

Your loving brother,

Rip (a big leaguer even if it is the Browns)

Boston

September 4, 191-

Dear Willie,

Well I must say they surely do things backards in this American League. I got me the chance to pitch yesterday on account of the Red Sox was hitting line drives off everybody what stuck his head out the dugout. So the mgr says Come on kid get loose lets see what you can do. I did amp; he stuck me in figuring since they had us down 10-3 I couldnt make things no worse.

So in I come and just to keep me interested its 2nd amp; 3rd amp; no outs. I popped up the 1st fellow I pitched to amp; the next one hits right back to me. This is easy Im thinking cause the next spot is the pitcher. Big lefty name of George Somethin-a girl’s name I think. Well he hit my curve like he knew it was comin amp; winds up on 3rd with a big grin on his ugly mug. Then I get the leadoff man. Which is why I say this is a backards league. The pitchers hit and the hitters dont.

Come to that the Browns is backards, too. They do not do too poor at first amp; then get weaker amp; weaker as the season goes along. Lazlo or however you spell it was talkin about that with a newspaper fellow in the hotel last night. Fellow’s name is Gyula Nagy so I guess he is a bohunk too. In fact I know he is. Part of the time they was using bohunk lingo which sounds like nothin I have heard before I can tell you.

This Gyula has a son called Zoltan which is a heathen sounding name if ever I heared one. Because his Pa travels with the team amp; all they let him wear a little uniform amp; fetch balls amp; bats around amp; the like. An all right little tyke I think tho my roomie didnt rightly take to him. I will say he is funny looking with just the one eyebrow growing acrost his forehead like that.

We go to New York next. I will rite you from there.

Your Brother,

Rip

P.S.-Remember none of the runs what scored counted against me on account of they was on base already when I come in.

New York September 7, 191-

Dear Willie,

I thot the towns in the Southern Assn was big this year till I seen Boston but I can tell you this New York makes Boston look like Opelousas back home beside it. Every kind of furriner lives here amp; I think a few yankees, too. No I dont mean the baseball team tho they been giving us fits since we got in town.

Well they might cause we is into our September Swoon which is what that Gyula fellow calls it but you got to remember he is a riter. This Polo Grounds where the Yankees I mean the baseball ones this time play has fences even shorter down the line than Sulphur Dell in Nashville. But could we reach em? Not a prayer of it. Never did you see so many little squibs amp; pops in all your born days.

We is dead on the field, too. Balls that should ought to be caut or picked up easy go thru which makes the pitchers cuss. But they aint throwin hard either it looks like to me. Maybe Ill get some work on account of it.

About the bounciest thing on the whole team is that Zoltan which I told you about in my last letter. He was kind of sollem-like in Boston but has perked up remarkable on the train ride south. Its a caution to see him jumpin amp; carryin on in the dugout. His little cheeks is just as red as a couple of boiled craw-dads. Funny I didnt spy that before.

Will close now as Laszloo which as you can see I still dont ritely know how to spell is taking me to a bohunk restaurant he found out about some ways. I would sooner have grits but cant find em up here.

Again pass on my love to Ma amp; affecktion to Sally. For you too now as I think of it.

Your brother,

Rip

New York September8, 191-

Dear Willie,

Now that I have ate bohunk food I see why they was so eager to cross the ocean amp; come over here to get away from it is why. The stuffed cabbage was not too bad amp; there was beer to wash it down but what is done to pork chops is a caution I tell you. You could smell em coming before they was out of the kitchen they had that much garlic on em. I was a blame fool to let Laslo order for me.

Well even he made heavy going. My eyes was watering fit to kill as I made shift to eat em. If Ma hadnt always taut me to clean my plate I would of gived up after the 1st bite. Ma never tried eating these tho which is lucky for her. I like to died.

When we got back to the hotel we stunk up the lobby good.

Two of our ballplayers who was in there lit up cheroots amp; I mean big ones the second we walked in. Between the smoke amp; us a sweet young thing which had been makin eyes at Doc our shortstop passed out altogether. It was what they call a sensation.

Just then Gyoola amp; his boy Zoltan come out of the elevator. I went over to say Hello thinking as how bein bohunks their own selves they wouldnt mind what I smell like. amp; Gyoola does say Hello nice as you please. But Zoltan his eyes rolled up in his head amp; for a second I thot he was going to faint like the lady if thats what she was. Then he kind of run away from me. I dont think his Pa knew what to make of it amp; I surely didnt. Laslo his eyes got very big but he didn’t say nothin.

Here is another funny thing. A good half a dozen of the fellows on the team say they seen a bat flapping round their winders in the middle of the night. Me I call that right peculiar on account of bats not much favoring towns amp; especially not one the size of New York.

I didnt see no bats. This morning I turned to Laslo amp; said Probably we scared em away the way we stunk last nite. amp; without batting an eye which is a joke I guess he says Probably. These furriners amp; almost furriners is peculiar people.

Love to you and Ma,

Rip

P.S.- I will be home in time to help with the harvest so dont you worry about that none.

New York September 9, 191-

Dear Willie,

Well it was a big day for this here hotel room yesterday. Lazlo got to start when Del our reglar 2nd baseman turned up sick. I dont know what was rang with him but he was pale as a fish-belly. You could see the spot where he must of cut hisself shaving under his chin just like a coal on a snowbank. I hope it aint catchin.