“Ow!”
“Waaaaa!”
The child was louder.
The brat – er, kid’s mother hustled into the hallway. “Lex, what did you do?”
“What did I do?”
“You’re the one with bulletproof armor.” Her cousin picked up her battering-ram daughter. “Poor baby. Did the bad Robo-Lex hurt you?”
“Waaaaa!”
The little boy who had been chasing the girl eyed Lex’s steel-encased leg with a speculative grin.
Lex made a threatening move toward him.
He backed off.
Her cousin gasped. “Big bully.”
Lex rolled her eyes and stilted off after Trish’s disappearing skirt.
She found the food, scrambled around on the kitchen table. The kids had already mangled the fruit plate, but the sashimi – fresh raw tuna – fanned out in cool pink glory next to makizushi sushi rolls. Marinated mochiko chicken still steamed, crispy fresh from the deep fryer, and Grandma’s homemade pickled vegetables – takuwan and tsukemono – lay in small dishes next to it.
“Oooh, one of the aunties made shrimp tempura.” Trish piled hand-battered, deep-fried shrimp on a paper plate.
Lex grabbed a plate – this was the only reason to attend these things. Even Grandma muted her nagging when eating good Japanese food.
“Hey, Lex.” Richard’s jovial tone stiffened Lex’s shoulders and set her jaw.
Yup, she was right to be wary – he dragged a short, thin Asian guy behind him, whose gaze had leeched onto the food.
“Lex, meet my, uh… friend.”
Food Leech didn’t respond. Richard nudged him with an elbow.
“Yeah, yeah.” Food Leech didn’t even glance up at her. “Can we start eating?”
To add to the Ephesians List: Common courtesy would be nice.
Lex stepped out of the way as Food Leech bulldozed through the musubi – both plain rice balls and the ones with fried Spam -the shoyu-braised hotdogs, the inarizushi looking like golden dumplings in their deep-fried bean curd pouches. Okay, Lex would like her future boyfriend to appreciate food, but not at the expense of proper manners.
“Richard, where do you get these guys?” Lex didn’t bother to drop her voice. Not that Food Leech even noticed.
Richard sputtered. “These are my friends – ”
“Yeah, right. These are your friends like your kitchen is the most-used room in your apartment.”
“Hey, I cook sometimes.”
“Once every third leap year. Why the sudden parade of Dating Game rejects?”
Richard’s “innocent” face never failed to incite suspicion. He shrugged. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Cut the act. What does Grandma have on you?”
Richard stuck his nose in the air and smoothed his mousse-laden hair. “Unlike you, I have an excellent relationship with our grandparent.”
Lex snorted.
“Very ladylike.”
“Lex, come meet Mrs. Inawara’s nephew.” Grandma entered the kitchen with a tall, pale Japanese boy in tow.
Trish nipped out of the kitchen faster than a dog with a steak. Food Leech must have sensed imminent conflict, because he tailed her out of the danger zone.
“Lex, this is Derek, my friend’s nephew.” Grandma hooked his arm and thrust him forward, a sweet, butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-her-mouth smile on her face.
Lex gritted her teeth. She didn’t like his aunt very much, but no harm in meeting him. He might actually be nice -
As he approached, the smell assailed her. She gagged. Even Richard cleared his throat and stepped back. Grandma must be losing her sense of smell. The guy reeked.
“Fphaaugh! When was the last time you took a bath?” Lex held out an arm to keep El Stinko away.
“What are you talking about?” He took a whiff of his armpit.
Another odiferous wave crashed over her with his sudden movement. “Ugh. I’m going to lose my breakfast. Grandma, at least make sure they have good hygiene.”
An affronted gasp sounded from the doorway to the kitchen. Grandma’s friend – and El Stinko’s aunt – stood there, white and quivering. Lex wasn’t exactly upset, considering Aunty El Stinko always had something nasty to say about Lex’s unfeminine interest in sports.
“Come, Derek. We’re going home.” Aunty El Stinko pivoted and marched away.
El Stinko spun around and followed her, but his action sent a BO-saturated breeze at Lex. She grabbed her stomach. Richard coughed.
“What is wrong with you?” Grandma’s hiss carried louder than a shout.
“Uh…” Richard glanced from Grandma’s sparking glare to its victim, Lex. He took a giant step back and escaped the room. Coward.
“Grandma, will you stop siccing your friends’ sons at me? How many of them do you have, anyway?”
“What’s wrong with them? You don’t think far enough ahead, that’s your problem.”
“They’re only after me because you told them I could get them college game tickets. How is that thinking ahead?”
“That means they like sports, just like you. If you’d go out with them, you’d get to know them better.”
“I have yet to meet one who doesn’t set off my dweeb-meter.”
“You’re not open-minded enough.” Grandma’s cheeks started to flush under her makeup.
“How open-minded do I have to be?” Lex stabbed a finger at the empty doorway and the now-departed El Stinko.
“You’re so picky.” Grandma jerked her own finger at Lex’s chest.
“He has to be American, he has to be Christian – ”
“No, we’re not going into this again. His faith is important to me.”
“Why does he need to be Christian? Does it matter as long as he can provide for you and your children?”
Grandma had already jumped to progeny. “Yes, it does matter. It’s a deeply personal issue.”
Grandma started talking with her hands. “All the Christian boys are so boring. You’d never date any of them.”
What could Lex say to that? She had yet to meet a Christian boy who made her pulse rocket out of her wrist. But she wasn’t about to let Grandma know that. “I’m not budging on this. He has to be Christian.”
“You’re being unreasonable.” Lex could almost see the steam rising from Grandma’s permed and colored head.
“I’m being unreasonable?” Lex flung her arms out.
She pursed her lips, and her eyes sparked black fire. “Grandma’s trying to help you.”
Great, Grandma was so upset, she was speaking in third person.
“My love life should be my business.”
“Fine.” Grandma turned smartly and marched to the doorway. “Good luck finding your exciting Christian boy.” She paused at the threshold with a dark Dracula expression aimed at Lex. “Grandma still means what she said. If you don’t have your Christian boyfriend by Mariko’s wedding, Grandma’s cutting funding to your girls’ team the very next day.”
“They’re only girls – ”
“And don’t try to fool Grandma. She’ll know if he’s a boyfriend or not.” She exited. The only thing missing was a melodramatic swirl of some dark cape.
Lex sagged against the kitchen counter. She crossed her arms tight to still the trembling of her hands. Why’d she let Grandma get to her? Now she couldn’t even ask Aiden – very vocally non-Christian Aiden – to pose as her boyfriend.
She supposed she shouldn’t have been thinking of him, anyway. If she started liking him, it would make things complicated. She knew their difference in faith – her belief and his lack of – would make any deeper relationship rocky at best. She had let his soap-fir-musk scent and magic hands cloud her judgment.
Back to the drawing board.