WHILE ANGLETON AND THE OCCULUS TEAM ARE GETTING READY to raid a public library in search of a missing document, Mo is midway through her second glass of lemonade in a wine bar with the man who would be Panin, and I am phasing in and out of consciousness, in airless darkness and pain, in the boot of a speeding car.
Regrets: I have them.
For instance, I never wrote to my MP to express my displeasure at the widespread deployment of sleeping policemen around the capital. It never occurred to me to do so: Mo and I don’t own a car, and speed bumps are a rarely sighted problem in our world. But right now I am learning to hate the things with a livid passion usually reserved for broken software installers and lying politicians. My abductors appear to be incapable of slowing for obstructions, and every time we bounce over a speed cushion or crunch down off a raised speed table or swerve through a chicane I take the full force of it on my right arm. That goatfucking cannibal cultist arsehole Julian packed me in the boot damaged side down; I don’t have the strength, the room, or the leverage to turn myself over. I swear, when I get out of this thing I’m going to run for mayor, and the first item on my manifesto will be to order the transport planners to scrape the fucking things off every road in London with their tongues. Second item on the agenda: making it legal to shoot any cultists seen in the city after sundown with a bow and arrow. Sort of like that bylaw York has, the one about Welshmen. Or was it Scotsmen? Where was I-
Oh. I blacked out again. This is bad. My wrist feels damp… think I’m bleeding again.
They got my phone. I don’t have a ward. If I’m lucky Mo or Angleton got my messages and they know I’m in trouble. (If Angleton finds my phone I’ll be in trouble. How much trouble? How much do you think-running classified software on an unauthorized system?) How long will it take them to figure out I’m missing? What time is it, anyway? How long have the Goatfuckers had me? Hey, why am I scrunching up-
Fuck. I hate roundabouts.
When I’m mayor of London I’m going to require all cars to have transparent boot lids, on pain of-on pain of pain. So what if you can’t leave your shopping in the car while it’s parked? Fuck ’em, why won’t they think of the kidnap victims? Oof. That was a bad one.
Where are they… where are they taking me?
To see the mummy. Dust from the mummy’s tomb, ha-ha. A line of bandage-wrapped can-can dancers high-kick in the gallery of dreams. Brotherhood of the Black Pharaoh: how strange…
Whoa. We’ve stopped. Engine running-traffic lights, damn it. Maybe that means we’re on a main road? Pull yourself together, Bob: Observe, Orient, Decide, Act, rinse, spin, repeat…
I’m facing forward, arms handcuffed behind my back. If there’s an emergency child latch in here, it’ll be behind me. Chance of grabbing it: effectively nil, might be a different story if my right arm wasn’t fucked. Inventory of useful shiny occult tools: zero. Inventory of weapons: zero, unless you count my head. Give ’em head-butt…
Ow, fuck. Speed bump, traffic planners, red-hot pincers, you know the drill. It’s stiflingly hot and noisy in here, and it smells bad. They won’t get my blood out of the carpet in a hurry, hah! Forensics’ll have a field day if… if…
Oh. For a moment there I was hanging on that pole, staring out across the gray wasteland towards a distant pyramid. There’s an eye in the pyramid, but it’s sleeping. I’m terrified that it’s going to open and see me…
They’re taking me somewhere specific. When they get there and open the boot of this car, I’ll be in the open for a while. That’s when I’m going to have to make my run. Won’t get a second chance. Observe, Orient, Decide…
Boris sent me on a course on evasion and escape a couple of years back, after the mess on Saint Martin. Said it might come in handy sometime-I thought it was only going to be useful for keeping out of Human Resources’ sights, but you never know. Trouble is, ninety-nine percent of the game lies in not getting caught in the first place. Once the bad guys get their claws into you everything gets a lot harder.
Harder. How desperate am I to escape? Depends. Because I’m not totally without resources; I’ve still got my head. Yes, but if I start down that road I won’t have it for much longer. I’m an experienced computational demonologist; I can program zombies, plan the perfect Pet Shop Boys album… but running code in your head, that’s a one-way ticket to Krantzberg syndrome. It’s like the Queen, and her magical power over Parliament; she can veto any law she likes, but it’s a card she gets to play once. Am I willing to risk a one-way trip to the secure wing at St. Hilda’s?
Hell, yes-if the alternative is to be the center of attention at a cannibal cultist dinner party.
Ah. Lost it again. Roundabouts-I feel really sick. The smell in here isn’t helping; need to concentrate on not throwing up. What procedures do I know that are simple enough to iterate in my head and effective enough to-
We’re slowing. Too soon. Shit.
It’s hard to deal the imaginary tarot cards when you’re being thrown about the boot of a car that’s braking hard, then turning. The road noises under me change to a crunching of gravel, which goes on interminably. Then there’s a long stationary pause. Just as I’m about certain that we’ve arrived, the car starts moving again, bouncing slowly across more gravel. It goes on and on-if this is a stately home or a public estate it’s huge. But after a brief eternity, we turn through a tight circle and then stop. The engine dies, and in the quiet I hear the ping of cooling metal. Then footsteps.
Fresh air blasts across my back as the boot lid swings open. The interior light comes on, showing me gray carpet centimeters from my nose. “Is he-”
“Yes. Get his legs.”
I tense, ready to kick, but they’re too fast for me. They slide something-feels like a belt-around my ankles and I can’t pull them apart. Someone else pulls a canvas bag, smelling faintly of decaying vegetables, over my head. Then too many hands grab me and lift, and drop, with predictable consequences.
When I surface in the sea of pain, I find I’m lying on my left side-a small mercy. I’m not sure what I’m lying on: it feels like a trolley, or possibly a stretcher. It’s cold and smells of disinfectant and it’s rolling over a hard, smooth surface. I can’t see: my arm is a monstrous, distracting wall of ache, I’m still handcuffed, and now they’ve hooded me and pinioned my ankles. So much for making a run for it. They’re obviously taking me somewhere indoors-
Indoors?
Something tells me that, yes, we are indoors now. Maybe it’s the lack of fresh air, or the echoes, or the ground beneath this trolley’s wheels. We must be nearly there. I distract myself, trying to recall the transition table for Cantor’s 2,5 Universal Turing Machine-the one with the five chess pieces and the board. I was always crap at chess, never really got into it deeply enough at school, but I understand UTMs, and if I can hold enough moves in my head before the gray stuff turns to Swiss cheese I might be able to code something up. Damn it, Bob, you’re a magician! Think of something! But it all blurs, when you’re in pain. Like most of my ilk I work best in a nice warm office, with a honking great monitor on my desk and a can of Pringles in front of me. I start swearing, under my breath, in Middle Enochian: cursing is the only thing that language is good for. (That, and ordering the walking dead around.)
We stop, then there’s a scrape of doors opening. I bounce across a threshold-a lift, I think. Then we begin to descend. Shit, a lift. We’re underground. That’s all I need. I’m angry. I’m also terrified, and in pain, and light-headed, and dizzy. My heart’s hammering.
“Are you awake, Mr. Howard?” chirps Jaunty Jonquil, the demon princess of Sloane Square.