'Item nine,' said Eileen.

Ted looked at Item 9.

'Oh, my God,' said Israel. 'Ted?'

'What?' said Ted.

'Oh. My. God!'

'What?'

'Item nine.'

'What about it?'

'Look at it.'

Ted peered at the agenda. 'Aye.'

Israel read it out: '"Replacement of mobile learning centre vehicle."'

'What?' said Ted.

'Your van, gentlemen,' said Linda, with some pride, 'is going to be replaced.'

'What?' repeated Ted.

'The van, Mr Carson, we've found the money through some Lottery funding and a new development grant.'

'No way!' said Israel.

'Way,' said Linda.

'We can't get rid of the van,' said Ted. 'There's nothing wrong with the van.'

'Now, now, Mr Carson,' said Linda.

'That van is perfect,' said Ted.

'Except for the steering,' said Israel.

'It's a wee bit sloppy, just,' said Ted.

'Corrosion in the engine,' added Israel.

'Well? New engine,' said Ted.

'Clutch,' said Israel.

'Needs replacing just.'

'Brakes.'

'Yes, yes, we get the picture, thank you, gentlemen,' said Linda. 'Well, Mr Carson?'

Ted was silent.

'When do we get the new one then?' said Israel. 'What's it going to be like? What colour is it going to be?'

'Well, actually, gentlemen,' said Linda, with a further flourish, 'we would like you to go and choose.'

'What?' said Israel. 'You are joking!'

'No. We are not joking, Mr Armstrong. We're sending you to the Mobile Meet, so you can meet up with some of the manufacturers and-'

'The what?'

'The Mobile Meet,' said Linda, 'is organised by the Chartered Institute of Library and Information Professionals. It's an annual event where mobile librarians can meet and swap experiences and discuss the latest technology. It's a prestige event.'

'Right,' said Israel.

'It's in England,' said Linda.

'No!' said Israel.

'Yes,' said Linda.

'You're joking!'

'No. We are not joking. Again,' said Linda.

'That's fantastic! You're sending us over?'

'Yes,' said Linda.

'Like on a business trip?' said Israel.

'I suppose,' said Linda.

'Wow!' said Israel. 'All expenses paid?'

'Well-' began Linda.

'Whereabouts?' said Israel. He could barely contain his excitement.

'Somewhere down in Wiltshire?' said Linda. She pronounced it Wilt Shire.

'Wiltshire? Great! God! Where's that?'

' Stonehenge?' said Ron. 'Somewhere round there.'

'How close to London?' said Israel.

'M3,' said Ron. 'M4?'

'Is that close by?'

'Not far, I don't think,' said Ron. 'I went with the wife once to Salisbury. Years ago. Visiting some friends of ours over there. That was nice.'

'Oh, yeah!' said Israel, punching the air. 'Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!'

'What?'

'This is brilliant. Linda, I can't thank you enough. This is fantastic! It's the best day of my life.'

'Right, well, thank you, Mr Armstrong.'

Ted had been rather quiet.

'Mr Carson?' said Linda.

'You can't replace the van,' said Ted. 'She's irreplaceable.'

'No one and nothing is irreplaceable, Ted, I'm afraid,' said Ron. 'Us old warhorses included.'

'We've had that van nearly thirty years,' said Ted.

'Exactly,' said Linda.

'What about a refurbishment?' said Ted.

'We've looked into the price of a refurbishment and it's not economical, I'm afraid,' said Linda.

'When did ye look into a refurbishment?'

'We've looked into a refurbishment.'

'Not with me you haven't.'

'No, we had some consultants look into it.'

'You had consultants looking at my van?'

'It's not actually your van, Mr Carson. It's the-'

'It only needs a bit of work.'

'New engine?' said Linda, referring to a list. 'Bodywork. Chassis.'

'Well?' said Ted.

'She'd hardly be the same vehicle, would she, Ted?' said Ron.

'Like the philosopher's hammer,' said Israel.

'What's he going on about?' said one of the nameless councillors.

'No idea,' said the other.

'We're looking at a number of possible suppliers at the moment,' said Linda. 'Mostly specialist coach builders-they do hospitality units, mobile police stations.'

'Wow!' said Israel. 'Ted! We could have our own hospitality area, and a VIP lounge.'

'Here are the brochures, gents,' said Linda, handing over some thick glossy booklets. 'If you'd like to be having a look at those.'

'Fantastic,' said Israel.

'You will, of course, be fully consulted about the exact specifications.'

'Ted! Look at this! What about a mini bar, eh, Ted?'

Ted's eyes were glazed.

'We could have a toilet and everything. Remember that time you were caught short and…Ted?'

'I think you'll agree the standard of craftsmanship on this sort of vehicle is quite different to your own-' began Linda.

'What?' said Ted.

'Efforts, Ted. Which have been much appreciated, may I just say.'

'I want it minuted that I'm very unhappy with this,' said Ted.

'Right,' said Linda. 'I really don't think there's any need for that.'

'I want it in the records!' said Ted.

'Well, that's fine, if you insist.'

'This'll be fantastic, Ted,' said Israel. 'Listen-'

'I'll tell you what, I'll listen to you when you've learned to wipe your arse,' said Ted.

'Right. Thanks.'

'Come on now, Ted, there's no need for that sort of language now, is there? There're ladies present,' said Ron.

'Women, thank you,' said Linda. 'This is the twenty-first century. Anyway, maybe you two…gentlemen…can talk it over between yourselves? And let me know whether we can go ahead with our plans and book your tickets over to England?'

3

The meeting had ended, as was traditional at Mobile Library Steering Committee meetings, amidst argument, dissolution and general disarray-'Don't forget the Booker Prize longlist, announced in August!' cried Eileen. 'That's August!'; 'PR!' Ron was saying. 'New van! Great PR!'; and 'Some reports of discrepancies in cataloguing!' Linda was reminding Ted and Israel; and 'What?' said Chi-Chi; and 'What?' said Chang-Chang-and then it was the long drive home in the van with Ted silent and sulking and Israel flicking through the fat, plush brochures and the programme for the Mobile Meet, the UK's, quote, Premier Mobile Library Event, unquote.

It was an uncomfortable, damp, sweaty summer's evening; tempers were frayed, temperatures high, and Israel knew that he was going to have to do something pretty special to persuade Ted to go with him over to England. This was his opportunity to ensure himself a free trip back home: the prospect of leaving Tumdrum was the best thing that had happened to him since arriving.

'There's some really good stuff on at this Mobile Meet thing,' he said casually.

'Huh,' said Ted.

'Look. A Guide to Electronic Self-Issue,' said Israel.

'Bullshit,' said Ted.

'Supplier-Select Book-Buying for Beginners,' said Israel.

'Bullshit.'

'Bibliotherapy,' said Israel.

'What?'

'Bibliotherapy,' repeated Israel.

'Bullshit.'

'Honestly, some of this stuff looks really good,' said Israel. 'I think it'll be really interesting.'

'That's because you're a ragin' eejit, like the rest of them.'

'Thank you.'

'My pleasure. Hirstle o' blinkin' eejits, the whole lot of youse.'

'What-all of idiots?'

'Ach, read a fuckin' dictionary, Israel, will ye? I'm not in the mood.'

'Right. Ted,' said Israel soothingly, 'not being funny, but you really shouldn't take this personally.'

'I shouldn't take it personally?'

'No. The whole van thing, you know. You need to see it as an opportunity rather than a threat.'

Israel could sense Ted's neck and back-his whole body-stiffening in the van beside him, which was not a good sign. Ted was like a dog: he gave clear warnings before attacking. Israel 's softly, softly soothing approach was clearly not working; he'd rubbed him up the wrong way.