'For privacy?'

'And then there's the tinted glass, of course, and the electric sun roof.' The salesman demonstrated.

'Wow!' said Israel.

'Woof!' said Muhammad.

'There's also ambient lighting here in the cab and around the issue desk, for when you want to create a different sort of atmosphere.'

'A different sort of atmosphere,' said Ted, trying to comprehend what he seemed to be hearing. 'A different sort of atmosphere. In a mobile library.'

The salesman continued, regardless of Ted's mumbled provocations.

'Electronic mirrors and storage area above. Transmission control in the driver's arm rest, as you can see. Sat nav…' He talked on.

'Ted, what do you think, though, really?' whispered Israel. 'Isn't it fantastic?'

Ted just stared at him, Ted-like.

'Muhammad, then?' said Israel, looking at the dog. 'Isn't it good, eh?'

Muhammad just stared at him, dog-like.

'That's great,' said Israel, when the seemingly never-ending mini-tour of the van was completed. 'Thanks very much for showing us round.'

'My pleasure, gentlemen,' said the salesman. 'My name's Paul. If you have any queries, do give me a ring. Here's my card.'

'Thanks,' said Israel.

Ted had already walked away.

'Ted!' said Israel, catching up with him. 'Can't you show a bit more enthusiasm?'

'No,' said Ted. 'I can't.'

They arrived at the next demonstration vehicle.

'Hello,' said the saleswoman, from the top of the steps. She seemed to be wearing a uniform designed for an air stewardess. 'Welcome aboard!' she said, as Ted and Israel climbed the steps and entered in. She wore a light blue jacket with a cinched waist and a figure-hugging skirt, with a red silk scarf knotted around her neck and bright red lipstick. 'So!' She sounded German; all she needed was a uniform hat and Ted and Israel might have been stepping aboard a Lufthansa flight preparing for take-off sometime in the early 1970s rather than on a luxury mobile library in a field in the middle of nowhere. 'My name is Alina. Anything I can help you with, please let me know.' Israel felt himself blushing. 'Brochure,' continued Alina, thrusting one into Israel's hands.

'Thanks,' said Israel.

'So, gentlemen, we call this the Mother Ship.'

'Right,' said Israel.

'Ach, Jesus,' moaned Ted.

'Excuse my friend,' said Israel.

'Of course,' said Alina.

'Are you German?' said Israel.

'Polish,' said the woman.

'Right.'

'Cze015Bć,' said Ted.

'You speak Polish?' said the woman.

'You speak Polish?!' said Israel.

'Not really,' said Ted. 'Sure, there's loads of Poles now over in the north. Mrs Onions has a Polish son-in-law.'

'When did you teach yourself Polish?' said Israel, astonished.

'I haven't taught myself Polish, ye eejit. If you just listened a bit more rather than bletherin' on the whole time ye'd pick up things like that as well.'

'Polish!' said Israel. 'I'd pick up Polish?'

'Lovely dog!' enthused Alina, attempting to change the subject, tickling Muhammad under the chin. 'Anyway, on this vehicle, gentlemen, we are taking our inspiration very much from the glory days of travel and the cutting edge of technology.'

'Right,' said Israel, sceptically.

'You will see on entering,' said the woman, 'our light and airy cab area-'

'Another light and airy cab area!' said Israel.

'Sorry?' said Alina.

'Nothing,' said Israel.

'This light and airy cab area is fitted with all the latest technology. Wraparound dash-'

'Has it got sat nav?' said Israel.

'Sat nav obviously comes as standard.'

'Great,' said Israel. 'It's got sat nav, Ted.'

'I've never got lost,' said Ted.

'So we also have full wi-fi connectivity,' continued the woman.

'Great,' said Israel.

'So that customers wishing to use their own laptops can connect wirelessly. And also up front here, gents,' continued Alina, 'we have new very exciting peer-to-peer capability. This has been developed by us, and by Siemens, and BMW, and Deutsche-Telekom, and allows you to pass data on to other motorists, informing them of road traffic problems.'

'In Tumdrum?' said Ted.

'Where is this?' said the woman.

'In Ireland,' said Israel.

'Northern Ireland,' corrected Ted.

'Ah, I'm not sure if this technology is available yet in Ireland,' said the saleswoman. 'I shall check for you.'

'No, it's fine,' said Israel.

'We've seen enough,' said Ted.

'But the interior?' said the woman, gesturing towards the deep recesses of the van.

'Has it got shelves?' said Ted.

'Yes-'

'Good, that'll do then. Do widzenia,' said Ted.

'Na razie,' said the woman.

'Come on,' said Ted.

Israel hurried after Ted as he strode away from the vehicle.

'Ted! Ted! Hold up!'

'Lot of nonsense,' Ted was muttering. 'Peer collectivity.'

'Connectivity,' said Israel. 'Peer-to-peer. It's all Web 2.0 and…stuff. Anyway, I didn't know you spoke Polish. That's amazing.'

'Aye, well,' said Ted.

'You're full of surprises.'

'And ye're full of-'

'Right. Thank you. But seriously, what do you think of them so far?'

'Of what?'

'Of the new vehicles, of course.'

'Not a lot,' said Ted. 'They're not a patch on our van.'

'Oh, come on, Ted. There's no comparsion. And we're going to have to choose a new vehicle.'

'Not if we win the Concourse of Elégance.'

'Ted, we're not going to win the Concours D'Elégance. Certainly not in the state the van's in now.'

'Well…' Ted huffed.

'So you're just going to get used to the fact that we're going to have to choose a new vehicle.'

'I'll look at one more,' said Ted, 'but then that's it. I've had enough.'

'Fine,' said Israel.

They walked on to the next demonstration vehicle.

'Good afternoon, gentlemen,' intoned the salesman standing in the light and airy cab area. He was a man fat and bald enough to be described not unfairly as a fat and bald man. Israel and Ted automatically reached out for and were automatically given the obligatory thick glossy brochures.

'Who are ye, then?' said Ted.

'We're Access Engineering, based in Birmingham, and we call this our Double D, for obvious reasons.'

'It's a beer?' said Ted.

'No,' said the salesman. 'It's a double decker.'

'Is it, really?' said Israel. 'Brilliant. I didn't even notice outside. Can we go upstairs?'

'Upstairs?' said Ted. 'In a mobile library? God save us.'

'This is very much a new concept in mobile learning centres,' said the salesman, leading the way, tightly, up a narrow staircase. Ted and Israel followed. They emerged into a small room set out with half a dozen chairs and a projector screen.

'So this is the Double D conference and screening room, which is fully networked.'

'Wow,' said Israel. 'Couldn't you see us in one of these though, Ted. Eh? Tootling around Tumdrum?'

'This area can also be used as a café-' said the salesman.

'I told you some of these new models had cafés!' said Israel.

'Or alternatively as a multi-purpose break-out space.'

'A what?' said Ted.

'A training centre,' continued the salesman. 'Or perhaps as a dedicated children's area.'

'What, here?' said Ted.

'Yes,' said the salesman.

'Upstairs?'

'Yes.'

'How are all the mums going to get their buggies up and down the stairs?' said Ted.

'He's got a point,' said Israel.

'Thank you, gents,' said the salesman, spying other people coming up the stairs. 'Are you currently in the market for a new mobile vehicle?'

'Yes,' said Israel defensively. 'We are.'