“I know your kind. I was like you, though I wasn’t given an opportunity to learn my gift. I could speak to camels. My mother went to see Aro. He refused me. I wouldn’t have passed the initiation. But he could have taught me other useful things. Always walk your own path, Onyesonwu.” She paused seeming to listen to someone. “Your father wishes you well.”

As I watched her ride off, I felt myself change. I could suddenly feel the air against my skin and my heart beating. There was an odd feeling of being weighed down, as if a weight was attached to each part of me, weights that weren’t so bothersome now but eventually would be. My mortality. I was exhausted. I ached all over, my legs, arms, my neck, and especially my head. I retreated into a restless, helpless sleep.

I woke to Mwita’s humming as he rubbed oil into my skin. Staticky energy coated my body like a computer’s monitor. His touch rubbed it away. He stopped when he realized I was awake. He pulled my rapa over my body. I grasped it weakly to my chest.

“You passed,” he said. His voice was strange. It was strained with concern, but there was something else too.

“I know,” I said. Then I turned my head and started crying. He didn’t try to hold me and I was glad. Why didn’t she fight? I thought. I’d have fought even if it was hopeless. Anything to stay out of that hole a bit longer.

I vividly remembered the sensation of having my forehead caved in by a large rock. It didn’t hurt as much as it should have. It just felt like I was suddenly… exposed. A rock destroyed my nose, bloodied my ear, buried itself in my cheek. I was conscious through most of it. The woman was, too. I gagged. Nothing came out because my stomach was empty. I sat back and massaged my temples. Mwita handed me a warm towel to wipe and soothe my eyes. It was soaked in oil.

“What is this?” I asked in a hoarse voice. “It’s not going to…”

“No,” Mwita said. “That’ll help get it out of your system. Wipe your face with it, too. I’ve rubbed it on the rest of you. You’ll feel better soon.”

“Where are we?” I asked, rubbing the oil on my eyes. It felt good.

“In my hut.”

“Mwita, I died,” I whispered.

“You had to.”

“I was in a woman’s head and I felt…”

“Don’t think about it,” he said, getting up. He picked up a plate of food sitting on his table. “Right now, you have to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Your mother made this,” Mwita said.

“My mother?”

“She was here. Yesterday.”

“Eh, but I didn’t see her…”

“Two days have passed, Onyesonwu.”

“Oh.” I slowly sat up, took the plate from Mwita and ate. It was chicken curry and green beans. Within a few minutes, my plate was clean. I felt much better.

“Where’s Aro?” I asked, rubbing the back and sides of my head.

“I don’t know,” Mwita sighed.

Then I understood what I had sensed in Mwita. It surprised me. I took his hand. If I didn’t address this now, our friendship would die. Even back then, I knew that disregarded jealousy eventually turned poisonous.

“Mwita, don’t feel that way,” I said.

He pulled his hand away. “I don’t know how to feel, Onyesonwu.” “Well, don’t feel that way,” I said, my voice hardening. “We’ve been through too much. And, besides, you’re above that sort of thing.”

“Am I?”

“Just because you were born a male does not make you more worthy than me.” I harrumphed. “Don’t act like Aro.”

Mwita said nothing, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes either.

I sighed. “Well, the way you feel won’t stop me from…”

He pressed his hand over my mouth. “Enough talking,” he whispered, his face close to mine. And then he moved over me; the oil on me made his motions smooth. My body ached and my head throbbed but for the first time in my life, I felt only pleasure. My Eleventh Rite juju was broken. I pulled Mwita closer. The sensation was so succulent that it brought tears to my eyes. It was so overwhelming that at some point, I stopped breathing. When Mwita noticed, he froze.

“Onyesonwu!” he said. “Breathe!”

Every part of my body was a sharp point of bliss. It was the most beautiful sensation I’d ever felt. When I only looked at him with bewildered eyes, he opened his mouth and breathed loudly to demonstrate. I began to see silvery red and blue explosions as my lungs demanded air. I had recently experienced death so it was easy for me to forget to breathe. I inhaled, my eyes locked on Mwita’s. Then I exhaled.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have…”

“Finish,” I breathed, pulling him to me, my head buzzing.

As our bodies met, fully, finally, throughout, Mwita reminded me to breathe. As he moved inside of me, he continued to remind me but by this time I wasn’t listening. It was exquisite. Soon I was so hot that I was shaking. Minutes passed. The sensation began to feel earnest, then agitating. I couldn’t release. I had been circumcised.

“Mwita,” I said. We were both slick with sweat.

“Eh?” he said, out of breath.

“I… something’s wrong with me. I…” I squeezed my face. “I can’t.”

He stopped moving and the terrible sensation in my loins decreased. He looked at me, beads of sweat dropping onto my chest. He surprised me with a smile. “Do something about it then, Eshu woman.”

I blinked, realizing what he meant. I concentrated. He began to move inside of me again and immediately, it felt like I had released my very being. “Ooooooooooooooooh,” I moaned. From far off I could hear Mwita laughing, as I fell into sleep with a sigh.

That tiny piece of flesh made all the difference. Growing it back hadn’t been hard and it pleased me that for once in my life obtaining something of importance was easy.

CHAPTER 20 – Men

I RETURNED HOME THAT DAY. The sun was just ambling into the sky and the air and sand were warming. My mother shouted my name when she saw me. She’d been sitting on the front steps waiting. There were bags under her eyes and her long braids needed rebraiding. It was the first time I’d ever heard my mother’s voice go above a whisper. And the sound of it made my legs weak.

“Mama,” I shouted back from up the road.

Around us the neighborhood went about its business. Everyone was so unaware of what my mother and I had gone through. People only glanced up with mild curiosity. Most likely the sound of my mother’s voice was something talked about that night. Neither of us cared what they thought.

Aro didn’t request my presence for a week. And in that week, I was plagued by nightmares. Over and over, night after night, I was stoned to death. I was haunted by someone else’s demise. During the day, I was plagued by terrible headaches. When Binta, Diti, and Luyu came to my bedroom three days after my initiation, I was a blithering mess hiding under my covers weeping.

“What’s wrong with you?” I heard Luyu ask. I threw the covers from over my head, shocked at hearing her voice. I saw Diti turn and leave.

“Are you all right? Is it your father?” Binta said, sitting on my bed beside me.

I wiped the snot from my nose. I was disoriented and my confusion caused me to think about my biological father instead of Papa. Yes, he is my problem, I thought. More tears dribbled down my face. I hadn’t seen my friends in days. I’d left school two days before my initiation and I hadn’t told them a thing. Diti returned and handed me a towel soaked with warm water.

“Your mother asked us to come,” Luyu said.

Diti opened the curtains and pushed the window open. The room flooded with sunshine and fresh air. I wiped my face and blew my nose into the towel. Then I lay back, angry with my mother for asking them here. How was I supposed to explain my state to them? I had grown my clitoris back and I no longer carried my diamond in my mouth. My belly chain might as well have turned green.