The morning glided by on daydreams and coffee and decadent sessions at stool. I read poetry for the first time in years, put on loud sludgy music, did a few sit-ups, rolled over with a heavy cramp. I crawled to the computer and hoisted myself into the chair. It was time to catch up on the state of the world. I'd start with the Middle East. I found the report of a recent debate between two professors at the Ivy League college uptown. One of the experts said the Palestinians were irrational and needed a real leader, like maybe a smart Jewish guy. The other professor said that the central paradox to all of this was that Jews both were Nazis and didn't really exist. But how could they be both? He was still working on it.

I clicked onward to Home Aid Ho's. This was actually part of a larger constellation of niche sites, and I searched some other scenarios until I found one that catered to my particular deformity. Spreadsheet Spreaders featured men who pleasured their female employers for raises of up to twenty percent. I started to rub myself and, remembering I would have to retrieve Bernie soon, recalled that I'd once done what I was doing with Bernie in the room. He'd been a few months old, and though sex in his vicinity was deemed okay, or, more than okay, beautiful and natural, Maura and I had never covered the masturbation question. Was jerking off in view of your mewler any different than making sweet slow love? I'd always meant to start an anonymous thread about this on one of those parenting resource sites. Things got away from me. Now it was no longer a concern. Bernie was too old. I was too old. It took me a good while to banish this memory, return to the hermetic joys of Spreadsheet Spreaders. I rubbed on valiantly, shot what was doubtless, at my advanced age, some sullen autist into a superannuated tube sock.

Happy Salamander, the physical space, as opposed to the educational concept, took up the basement of a private home off Ditmars Boulevard. You walked in the side door, dipped your head beneath a sagging heat duct, and descended a short staircase to the low, bright chamber. The fluorescent lights drove Maura mad, but I didn't mind them. It was the filth beneath the tidiness that got to me, every bookcase and table and chair smeared with an odd, thin grease. It must have been some pedagogical lubricant.

Otherwise, you really couldn't argue with Happy Salamander, or you could, but you would get nowhere with its idealistic and adamantine young educators. They had a smug ideological tinge about them, a minor Red Brigades vibe, which often angered Maura, but which I chalked up to an abiding love for children, or an abiding hate for what children eventually become.

Splotched toddler art pocked the walls, the usual stick figure families standing in green yards under multi-colored skies, as though to assure the anxious customer that here, despite rumors to the contrary, a healthful focus on heteronormative rainbows obtained. Posters of butterflies and chipmunks curled damp from tacks, along with Polaroids of the kids on their various excursions to the nearby playground, or the local handball court, or the cracked fountain near the subway where bums liked to sun themselves and smoke. I'd seen the kiddie-diddler there, snarling and remonstrative with his duller peers.

Today the seven or eight kids in Bernie's class were scattered about the room at various stations, or, in Salamanderspeak, activity nodes. Some played office, shuffled telephones and scraps of printer paper across a squat table in approximation of future misery. Others stood smocked at easels, or hovered over wooden puzzles. A few teachers fluttered from cluster to cluster, mother sparrows with their beaked seeds of approbation. I spotted Bernie's pal Aiden sitting alone in a corner. He wore the bitter look of a boy dealt a time-out, a bad baby bird.

Bernie sat nearby on a pink mat. His shirt was off, his eyes closed. He hummed quietly. Maddie, his slender, slightly elfin teacher, knelt beside him, whispered in his ear. I watched as she lifted a chrome-colored clothespin, seemed about to affix it to my son's nipple.

"Hey!" I called.

Soft faces swiveled.

"Daddy!"

Maddie smiled.

"Hi, Bernie's Dad!" She knew my name, but this form of address was protocol, meant, if I remembered the manifesto correctly, to maintain contextual integrity for the other children.

"Hi, Maddie!"

"Bernie asked me about Indians. Or, as I explained, Native Americans."

"Oh?" I said.

"Yes, and we started talking about the Plains tribes in particular."

"They're the fun ones," I said, regretted it at once.

Maddie seemed to waver between confusion and scorn.

"Yes, well, Bernie wanted to know about the lives of the Plains tribes, and we touched upon the famous Sun Dance."

"Sun Dance?"

"Yes."

"What's with the clothespin?"

"Well, Bernie's Dad, it was all I had on hand. I wanted to give Bernie a sense of the ordeal. The piercing of the skin and the looping of rawhide straps through the wounds. They would fasten these straps to the sun pole. The young warrior would have to tear through his own flesh to free himself."

"Oh," I said, "like that movie."

"Movie?"

Maddie seemed unfamiliar with the medium.

"Before your time," I said. It was a phrase I was trying not to rely on so much these days. "Anyway, I hope you weren't going to make Bernie tear through his flesh."

I chuckled, caught a trace of Purdy in the sound.

"Daddy, I don't want to tear my flesh."

"You don't have to tear your flesh, Bernie, I promise."

Maddie made a stern face. I grinned, felt somehow chastened, though for what I couldn't be sure.

"No, obviously we wouldn't tear his flesh."

"I was just joking around."

"But I hope you've read our newest Statement of Pedagogical Goals. It was emailed as an attachment over the weekend."

"I don't think, well, now, not all of it, no."

"Oh," said Maddie, "because we assumed no response meant tacit agreement with our change in direction."

"Change in direction?"

"It's in the attachment, Bernie's Dad."

"Right."

"We believe that many of the problems children suffer from-sensory integration issues, boundary instability, lack of impulse control-stem from our collective refusal to expose children to certain dark edges of experience."

I felt my phone pulse in my pants again. I wondered if it could be Purdy, or Vargina. It was probably important. I couldn't answer it down here because the reception was sketchy, and besides, it was bad form. But I was just here to pick up Bernie, not to listen to Maddie prattle on about child development theory. I was in a hurry, and anyway, Maura handled the theory. I just wrote the checks. Or used to write the checks. Maura had borrowed from her folks for the last installment.

"Yes, edges of experience," I said. "Sounds good."

"I'm glad, because it's what we voted on at Blue Newt. A parent rep was present."

"Blue Newt?"

"Our upstate retreat."

"Right. Sure."

"I hope you'll read the attachment in its entirety."

My phone pulsed again. I lifted Bernie into my arms, carried him to the stairs.

"I definitely will!" I called. I wondered if I should try to get Nick a job here. He had the dark edges down.

"Bye, Maddie!" called Bernie.

"Bye, Bernie and Bernie's Dad!"

Out on the sidewalk I took out my phone. My carrier had called, probably with some intriguing amalgam of offer and threat.

"Dad?" said Bernie.

"Yeah?"

"Is Maddie going to tie me to the sun pole?"

"No, Bernie," I said. "Not if you're good and take your bath without screaming tonight."

"Okay," said Bernie.

"How about some pizza?"

"With torn flesh on it?"