"These self-destructive acts, as Dr. Williams calls them, are well known in psychological literature-especially in association with blackouts or amnesia. It is not unusual for a blackout to result from the trauma of a very destructive or threatening act. In other words, the mind blocks the memory of the episode because it is simply too painful to remember.

"In my case, however, I believe it is just the other way around. I can't prove anything one way or the other, but something inside tells me I'm right in the assumption. I thought about it all last night as I lay in sick bay. It's just a gut hunch, but right now it's the best I've got."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that in my case the blackouts come first and trigger the self-destructive acts. Only I don't think the point is to destroy myself."

"What is the point?"

"To escape. Flight is one of the oldest animal reflexes. It's basic, universal. Even the most timid creature will flee into an unknown danger in order to escape a known one."

"But, Spence," Ari gasped, "who or what would want to harm you?"

"I don't know-yet. But I mean to find out." He glanced al Ari's worried face; she was chewing her lower lip and scowling furiously. "I know how fantastic this all sounds. You must think I'm a raving madman. Why invent invisible enemies? Why concoct outrageous theories when the same facts can be explained more simply with known principles? I've asked myself those questions a thousand times in the last twenty-four hours. But there's something inside me that won't let me accept the other alternative. And right now that's all I have."

Ari leaned across the table and placed her hands on his. She looked him full in the face and said, "I believe you, Spencer."

"You do?"

"Yes, I do. For one thing, no one could talk the way you do – so objectively, so logically-who was suffering the kind of mental distress you describe. So I believe you."

"I didn't think it would be that easy. I mean, there's every reason to lock me away before I hurt myself or someone else. But… you don't think I'm going crazy?"

"No, I don't. Whatever it is that's causing these-these seizures, it must be something outside yourself."

"That's it, Ari. You've said it. Something outside of me. I've felt it hovering over me. A presence… I can't describe what it's like."

"How can it be, though?"

Spence clenched his fist. "I don't know. I scarcely believe it's possible. But that's the feeling I get sometimes."

"Did you enjoy your meal, sir?" the waiter asked. How long he had been standing there Spence wasn't sure. He was surprised to see the table cleared of the dishes; he had been so wrapped up in his story he had not noticed them being taken away.

"The meal was fine, thank you."

"Very good, sir. I will bring your check." "Thank you, Spence. It was a lovely meal." "If somewhat gruesome."

"No, I mean it. I can't say I enjoyed the conversation-knowing what you have been through. But I've enjoyed being with you."

The waiter brought the check on a silver tray and placed it before Spence, handing him a silver fountain pen at the same time. He signed his name and personal accounting code.

"Thank you very much, Monsieur. Join us again very soon. Adieu." The waiter turned and snapped his fingers and a white – coated young man appeared with a silver coffeepot and filled their china cups. He placed between them a tiny silver bowl which contained four delicate pink rosebud mints.

Spence sipped his coffee thoughtfully. Ari could see him weighing his next words carefully.

"Ari, I've told you all this because I want to ask a favor of you."

"Go ahead."

"It's a small thing, but it's important to me. You'll probably think it's silly."

"No, I won't. Not after all you've told me today. I don't think any of this is silly. I think it's extremely serious."

"Well, your father asked me to join the research trip to the terraforming project on Mars."

"I remember. I was there when he asked you."

"Right. The thing is, I've decided to take up his offer. I'm going to go on the trip. Only no one can know. That's where you come in. I want you to fix it for me so that all the necessary arrangements are made without anyone beyond your father and his staff knowing about it. Can you do that?"

"I think so; I can try. But, Spence, do you think that's wise? You'll be away a long time-anything could happen. You could have blackouts again, and out there no one would be able to take care of you, no medical facilities."

"I have to get away, don't you see? The blackouts started here, and if I stay they'll continue. They may happen out there, too, I realize that. But I have to take that risk."

Ari was not convinced. She frowned. "I don't like it-it's too dangerous. Why don't you stay here and arrange to have someone monitor your activities-your assistant maybe. Or, let Dr. Williams check you over. That would be the sane thing to do."

"The sane thing?" he snapped.

"Sorry. Unfortunate choice of words. But you know what I mean. He offered to let you come in for a complete physical and psychological. And he'd keep it off the record."

"He told you about that? What else did he tell you? What have you two got cooked up?"

"Nothing, Spence. I didn't mean anything-"

"What was the idea? Keep me talking until I convinced myself to check in as a psycho? Was that what you had in mind?"

The sudden shift in Spence's mood frightened Ari. She did not know what to do, so she said, "Listen, Spencer, I'll do as you say. I'll get your trip cleared and I'll arrange it so no one will know. But I want a favor from you. Let Dr. Williams look you over before you go. It couldn't hurt."

He leaned back in his chair and fought to regain control of his temper. He still glared at her, and the look on his face scared her. "I'll think about it," he snapped.

The next moment he was on his feet, jumping up so quickly that he sent his chair crashing to the floor. Heads turned as he stormed out of the restaurant, and diners at the tables all around stared at Ari and talked behind their hands. She colored under their scrutiny. The waiter leaped forward instantly and righted the chair.

"No trouble, Mademoiselle," he said and graciously helped her from her seat.

She hurried from the cafe, her cheeks burning scarlet.

15

… BY THE TIME SPENCE reached the lab he was in a foul mood. Ari had betrayed him. He had trusted her, confided in her, only to find that she was working for Dr. Williams. The two of them ganging up on him he did not need, he argued. He did not need anybody.

In his present state he was ready to bite the heads off nails. The unlucky Tickler discovered this to his dismay when he met Spence at the portal as the panel slid open. "Where have you been, Dr. Reston? We've been worried about you."

"You have, huh?" Spence threw him a nasty look. "Not worried enough to check the sick bay."

"I was just on my way down there," said Tickler. He wrung his hands as if to wipe off something distasteful. "When you didn't show up for the session I… well, I didn't know what to do."

"Well, you can stop worrying. I'm all right. I just had a little accident, that's all."

"Your voice… your face. What happened?"

"Maybe I'll tell you about it someday. Right now I want to go over those averages I asked you to get for me."

Tickler spun completely around in a circle before heading off to the datafile at the opposite end of the lab. Spence smiled darkly; he had really upset the finicky Tickler this time.

He crossed the lab and went to his place in the booth. He flopped into his chair and took up the log book, fully intending to bleed off his anger with a few hours of furious work. But as soon as he settled himself in his chair the ComCen screen on the wall next to him began flashing and the beeper shrilled its tone code.