The Deserter

We find a man in the forest. A living man, a young man, without a uniform. He is lying behind a bush. He looks at us without moving.

We ask him:

"Why are you lying there?"

He answers:

"I can't walk anymore. I've come from the other side of the frontier. I've been walking for two weeks. Day and night. Especially night. I'm too weak now. I'm hungry. I haven't eaten for three days."

We ask:

"Why haven't you got a uniform? All young men have a uniform. They are all soldiers."

He says:

"I don't want to be a soldier anymore."

"You don't want to fight the enemy anymore?"

"I don't want to fight anyone. I have no enemies. I want to go home."

"Where is your home?"

"Still a long way off". I'll never get there if I don't find something to eat."

We ask:

"Why don't you go and buy something to eat? Don't you have any money?"

"No, I don't have any money, and I can't be seen. I must hide. No one must see me."

"Why?"

"I left my regiment without leave. I ran away. I'm a deserter. If they found me, I'd be shot or hanged."

We ask:

"Like a murderer?"

"Yes, exactly like a murderer."

"And yet you don't want to kill anyone. You just want to go home."

"Yes, I just want to go home."

We ask:

"What do you want us to bring you to eat?"

"Anything."

"Goat's milk, hard-boiled eggs, bread, fruit?"

"Yes, yes, anything."

We ask:

"And a blanket? The nights are cold, and it often rains."

He says:

"Yes, but you mustn't be seen. And you won't say anything to anybody, will you? Not even to your mother."

We answer:

"No one will see us, we never say anything to anybody, and we have no mother."

When we come back with the food and blanket, he says:

"You're very kind."

We say:

"We weren't trying to be kind. We've brought you these things because you absolutely need them. That's all."

He says again:

"I don't know how to thank you. I'll never forget you."

His eyes fill with tears.

We say:

"Crying is no use, you know. We never cry, even though we aren't men yet, like you."

He smiles and says:

"You're right. Excuse me, I won't do it anymore. It's just because of the exhaustion."

Exercise in Fasting

We announce to Grandmother:

"Today and tomorrow we won't eat. We'll only drink water."

She shrugs her shoulders:

"I couldn't care less. But you'll work as usual."

"Of course, Grandmother."

The first day, she kills a chicken and roasts it in the oven. At midday, she calls us:

"Come and eat!"

We go to the kitchen, it smells very good. We're a bit hungry, but not too much. We watch Grandmother carve up the chicken.

She says:

"It smells good. Can you smell how good it smells? Do you want a leg each?"

"We don't want anything, Grandmother."

"That's a pity, because it's really very good."

She eats with her hands, licking her fingers and wiping them on her apron. She gnaws and sucks the bones.

She says:

"Very tender, this young chicken. I can't imagine anything betteï."

We say:

"Grandmother, since we've been in your house, you have never cooked a chicken for us."

She says:

"I've cooked one today. Now's your chance."

"You knew we didn't want anything to eat today or tomorrow."

"That's not my fault. This is just more of your damn nonsense."

"It's one of our exercises. To get us used to bearing hunger."

"Then get used to it. Nobody's stopping you."

We leave the kitchen and go out to do our chores in the garden. By the end of the day, we are really very hungry. We drink a lot of water. In the evening, we find it hard to get to sleep. We dream of food.

Next day, at midday, Grandmother finishes the chicken. We watch her eating it in a kind of fog. We're no longer hungry. We feel dizzy.

In the evening, Grandmother makes pancakes with jam and cream cheese. We feel sick and have stomach cramps, but as soon as we go to bed, we fall into a deep sleep. When we get up, Grandmother has already left for the market. We want to have our breakfast, but there is nothing to eat in the kitchen. No bread, no milk, no cheese. Grandmother has locked everything away in the cellar. We could open it, but we decide not to touch anything. We eat raw tomatoes and cucumbers with salt.

Grandmother comes back from the market and says: "You haven't done your work this morning." "You should have woken us up, Grandmother." "You should have woken yourselves up. But just this once, I'll give you something to eat all the same."

She makes us a vegetable soup with what she brings back from the market, as usual. We don't eat much. After the meal, Grandmother says:

"It's a stupid exercise. And bad for the health."

Grandfather's Grave

One day, we see Grandmother leave the house with her sprinkling can and her gardening tools. But instead of going to the vineyard, she sets off in a different direction. We follow her at a distance to find out where she is going.

She goes into the cemetery. She stops in front of a grave and puts down her tools. The cemetery is deserted. There is nobody but Grandmother and us.

Hiding behind bushes and tombstones, we get closer and closer. Grandmother is shortsighted and hard of hearing. We can observe her without her knowing.

She pulls up the weeds on the grave, digs with a spade, rakes the soil, plants flowers, fetches water from the well, and comes back to water the grave.

When she has finished her work, she gathers her tools together, then kneels down in front of the wooden cross, but sitting back on her heels. She joins her hands over her belly as if to say a prayer, but what we hear are mainly oaths:

"Shit… bastard… pig… scum… demon…"

When Grandmother leaves, we go see the grave: it is very well maintained. We look at the cross: the name written on it is Grandmother's. It is also Mother's maiden name. The Christian name is double, with a hyphen, and those two Christian names are our own Christian names.

On the cross, there are also dates of birth and death. We calculate that Grandfather died at the age of forty-four, twenty-three years ago.

In the evening, we ask Grandmother:

"What was our Grandfather like?"

She says:

"What? You don't have a Grandfather."

"But we used to have."

"No, never. He was already dead when you were born. So you never had a Grandfather."

We ask:

"Why did you poison him?"

She asks:

"What are you talking about?"

"People say you poisoned Grandfather."

"People say… people say… Let them tell their tales."

"You didn't poison him?"

"Leave me alone, sons of a bitch! Nothing was proved! People will say anything."

We go on:

"We know you didn't like Grandfather. So why do you look after his grave?"

"For that very reason! Because of what people say. To stop them telling their tales! And how do you know I look after his grave, eh? You've been spying on me, sons of a bitch, you've been spying on me again! May the devil take you!"

Exercise in Cruelty

It's Sunday. We catch a chicken and cut its throat as we have seen Grandmother do. We bring the chicken into the kitchen and say:

"You must cook it, Grandmother."

She starts shouting:

"Who gave you permission? You have no right! I give the orders here, you little shits! I won't cook it! I'd rather croak first!"

We say:

"All right. We'll cook it ourselves."

We start to pluck the chicken, but Grandmother snatches it from our hands:

"You don't know how to do it! You filthy little bastards, you'll be the death of me, you're God's punishment on me, that's what you are!"