It was conceptually thrilling, but as I contemplated it, I could not think of many immoral acts that I desired to perform – certainly none that I hadn't already committed even before my newfound ethical liberation. I would never have considered myself an especially good person, but it seemed that somehow in my life I had lost – or had never acquired – the urge to be bad. My behaviour was not imposed upon me through a fear of ultimate retribution, but was somehow an innate part of my character, created perhaps by the accumulation of a lifetime of those fears. But did having no desire to be bad make me good? Surely goodness must come from the resistance of dark urges, not from their mere absence? It is only the weak who beg the Lord not to lead them into temptation. The strong need temptation to test their strength. I had been presented with but one temptation – to let the vile creature that Domnikiia had become live – and I had yielded to it without a fight. I knew that it was not too late, that I still only had to raise my hand and let it fall again to bring about my own salvation, and yet I knew too that I could not and nor would I ever be able to.

There was only one conceivable advantage that could be taken from my decision to damn myself. If I was to walk the remainder of my days on the earth in the knowledge that, when I departed it, my subsequent path would be precipitously downwards, then at least I did not have to walk alone. I could be with Domnikiia. I would let her take me and create me as a vampire in the same way that she had so recently become one, and then at least our journey to hell would be made hand in hand. I knew that I was clinging on to one last gleaming thread of self-flattery – that she would want me beside her. If she did not, then I would die at her hand with no subsequent rebirth as a vampire. It would be apt punishment for my vanity.

I set down my wooden dagger at the side of the bed and took one last look at Domnikiia's beauty, then I licked my fingers and put out the light of the candle beside us. I took off my boots and my coat and my scabbard, discarding them on the floor, and lay on the bed beside her. Beneath my coat I saw the bloody mess of my wounded arm, but it did not matter. When I awoke – if I awoke – it would be to become a creature of the same ilk as Domnikiia and we would have an eternity of togetherness before us. A wound such as that would mean nothing to me. I had not shut my eyes for two nights and, as the rush of sleepiness came over me, I began to wonder whether I was in any state to make such a profound decision about my life. What did this mean for how I felt about my wife and my son? Even if my soul was bound for hell, did they not deserve my company and my support at least while I was alive? They were questions which I was too weary to answer.

It struck me that one of the interesting aspects of what I was about to undertake was that I would have the opportunity of looking back on my own death. I had observed death from the outside on many occasions – although there were other times when I wished I had been there to observe it – but it would be a rare privilege to be able, as a vampire, to recall what it was like actually to die. And yet, I thought, all souls, whether they end up in heaven or in hell, must have that same opportunity. If I didn't appreciate that, then I had to question whether I believed in heaven and hell at all, in which case, how could I be so certain of my own damnation?

But the speculation was unnecessary. Soon, I would have knowledge. I fell asleep.

CHAPTER XXVII

WHEN I AWOKE, I WAS INSTANTLY UNEASY. MY SURROUNDINGS were vaguely familiar, but I was aware of some pressing issue that had to be resolved. Memory quickly returned. My first, perhaps unremarkable observation was that I was alive. I reached out to my right, but Domnikiia was no longer beside me. She must have awoken. She would have seen me. Surely I would have to have been awake to have drunk her blood and become a vampire. Had I woken to do that and then gone back to sleep, forgetting what had taken place? I considered myself, trying to determine whether physically or mentally I felt any different. I could find nothing.

I glanced to the window and looked outside. As far as I could judge, it was late morning. The snow shimmered in the light of the sun. The reflected light shone into my face and cast a shadow of my hand on to the empty pillow beside me. I was no vampire. As I had thought, I needed to be conscious to become one of those creatures, so that I might imbibe the blood of the one who created me. Domnikiia had not yet transformed me into a creature like herself, but she soon would. I heard a footstep outside and the doorknob began to turn. My earlier conviction that I would become a vampire had completely left me. I found it impossible to retrace the line of reason that had led me to it. Now, the prospect of letting Domnikiia sink her teeth into my neck and of my drinking her blood in return was both sickening and frightful. I would gladly kill her in order to save myself from such a fate.

I reached over the side of the bed to where I had dropped my dagger the previous night. I felt a twinge of pain, but at the same time I noted that the wound to my arm had been bandaged while I slept. The dagger was not there. I glanced around the room and saw it. It was on a chair, sitting on top of my neatly folded coat. My boots were beside it and my sword hung from its back. I would have no time to reach it before the door opened. Then my panic abated. It was daylight. Whoever was entering the room, it could not be a vampire. If it was Domnikiia then she would be quickly destroyed without any need for my intervention. Even so, I could not help but cower against the bedstead, clutching the blankets up to my chin.

It was her. She was carrying a tray on which I saw some bread and some cold meats and a pot which, from the smell, I immediately knew to contain coffee. She walked across the room, past the window, and put the tray down on the dressing table.

'Good morning,' she beamed. I said nothing. She came over to the bed and sat beside me. Even though it was now clear to me that she was no vampire, still I shrank from her. There was no sign that she noticed. She put her arms around me and laid her head on my shoulder, kissing my neck and squeezing me tightly.

'That was a nice surprise,' she said.

'What?' I managed to whimper.

'Waking up with you, of course!' She sat up and slipped her legs underneath the blankets. 'I did know you were back in town, though. Pyetr Pyetrovich said you'd called. Even so, I didn't expect you'd go to quite such lengths to see me. I don't know how you're going to get back out without anybody noticing. You could have bathed first, too.' She rose and went over to the dressing table.

'I'm sorry,' I mumbled, simply as an instinctive response. My heart was pounding and I felt a heady relief. It was like the resurgence of reality after a nightmare – a nightmare that has contained a horror so dreadful that there is no solution to it but to turn back time and discover that the horror never existed. What I had seen at Domnikiia's window the previous night had been no nightmare, but it was just such a horror. And yet, somehow, its inevitable consequence had not taken place. Domnikiia was human. In all my contemplation through the night I had found no sensible course of action to take, and yet now the solution came in a simple, inexplicable fact. She was not a vampire.

'Oh, I'm sorry, Lyosha,' she said with genuine distress. 'I was joking. You know I'll always love you however much you stink.' It felt cruel not to smile and acknowledge her humour, especially on seeing the disappointment in her face, but I was too deep in thought to react in any way. She came back over and handed me a cup of coffee. 'How's your arm?'