Bud Schwartz lifted the keys to the Cutlass from the dead man's hand and jogged away just as Miss Juanita Pedrosa's kindergarten class marched into the plaza.

TWENTY-THREE

Francis X. Kingsbury was on the thirteenth green at the Ocean Reef Club when Charles Chelsea caught up with him and related the problem.

"Holy piss," said Kingsbury as Jake Harp was about to putt. "If it's not one thing, it's – hell, you deal with it, Charlie. Isn't that what I pay you for, to deal with this shit?"

Jake Harp pushed the putt to the right. He looked up stonily and said, "Thank you both very much."

"Sorry," Chelsea said. "We've got a little emergency here."

Kingsbury said, "If you're gonna be a crybaby, Jake, then do it over. Take another putt. And you, Charlie, what emergency? This is nothing, a goddamn prank."

Charles Chelsea suggested that it was considerably more serious than a prank. "Every television station in South Florida received a copy, Mr. Kingsbury. Plus the Herald and the New York Times. We'll be getting calls all day, I expect."

He followed Kingsbury and Jake Harp to the fourteenth tee. "The reason I say it's serious, we've got less than a week until the Summerfest Jubilee." It was set for August 6, the day Kingsbury had rescheduled the arrival of the phony five-millionth visitor to the Amazing Kingdom of Thrills. The postponement caused by the truck accident had been a blessing in one way – it had given Charles Chelsea time to scout for a flashy new giveaway car. The "classic" Corvair had been junked in favor of a jet-black 300-Z, which had been purchased at bargain price from the estate of a murdered amphetamine dealer. Chelsea was further buoyed by the news that NEC weatherman Willard Scott had tentatively agreed to do a live broadcast from the Kingdom on Jubilee morning, as long as Risk Management cleared it with the network.

Overall, the publicity chief had been feeling fairly positive about Summerfest until some worm from the Herald called up to bust his hump about the press release.

What press release? Chelsea had asked. The one about hepatitis, said the guy from the newspaper. The hepatitis epidemic among Uncle Ely's Elves. In his smoothest, most controlled tone, Chelsea had asked the newspaper guy to please fax him a copy. The sight of it creeping off the machine had sent a prickle down the ridge of his spine.

As Jake Harp prepared to tee off, Chelsea showed the press release to Francis X. Kingsbury and said, "It's ours."

"What the hell you – I don't get it. Ours?"

"Meaning it's the real thing. The stationery is authentic."

Kingsbury frowned at the letterhead. "Jesus Christ, then we got some kinda mole. That what you're saying? Somebody on the inside trying to screw with our plans?"

"Not necessarily," Chelsea said.

Jake Harp hooked his drive into a fairway bunker. He said, "Don't you boys know when to shut up?"

This time Charles Chelsea didn't bother to apologize. He itched to remind Jake Harp that dead silence hadn't helped him one bit in the "78 Masters, when he'd four-putted the third hole at Augusta and let Nicklaus, Floyd, everybody and their mothers blow right past him.

Kingsbury said, "Probably it's some bastard from Disney. A ringer, hell, I should've known. Somebody they sent just to screw me up for the summer."

"It's nobody on the inside," said Chelsea. "It wasn't done on one of our typewriters."

"Who then? I mean, why in the name of fuck?" Jake Harp marveled at the inventive construction of Kingsbury's profanity. He imagined how fine it would feel to take a two-iron and pulverize the man's skull into melon rind. Instead he said, "You're up, Frank."

Charles Chelsea stood back while Kingsbury took a practice swing. It was not a thing of beauty. From the safety of the cart path, Chelsea said, "I think it's Joe Winder. The fellow we fired last week. The one we've had some trouble with."

"What makes you so sure – wait, Christ, didn't he used to work for The Rat?"

"Yes, briefly. Anyway, there's some stationery missing from Publicity. I thought you ought to know." "How much?"

"Two full boxes," Chelsea replied. Enough to do one fake press release every day for about three years. Or one hundred a day until the Summerfest Jubilee.

Kingsbury knocked his drive down the left side of the fairway and grunted in approval. He plopped his butt in the golf cart and said to Chelsea: "Let me see it one more time."

Chelsea gave him the paper and climbed on the back of the cart, wedging himself between the two golf bags. He wondered if this was how the Secret Service rode when the President was playing.

Pointing over Kingsbury's shoulder, Chelsea said, "It's definitely Winder's style. I recognize some of the dry touches."

The press release said:

Medical authorities at the Amazing Kingdom of Thrills announced today that the outbreak of viral hepatitis that struck the popular theme park this week is "practically under control."

Visitors to the Amazing Kingdom are no longer in immediate danger of infection, according to specialists who flew in from the National Center for Disease Control in Atlanta. So far, five cases of hepatitis have been positively diagnosed. All the victims were actors who portray Uncle Ely's Elves, a troupe of mischievous trolls who frolic and dance in daily performances throughout the park.

Experts say there is no reason to suspect that the highly contagious disease is being transmitted in the food and beverages being served at the Amazing Kingdom. A more likely source is the vending machine located in a dressing room often used by Uncle Ely's Elves and several other performers.

Charles Chelsea, vice president in charge of publicity, said: "We know that the candy machine down there hadn't been serviced for about seven months. There are serious questions regarding the freshness and edibility of some of the chocolate products, as well as the breath mints. All items have been removed from the machine and are presently being tested for contamination."

Although no cases of hepatitis have been reported among visitors to the Amazing Kingdom, Monroe County health officials advise testing for anyone who has had recent contact with any of Uncle Ely's Elves – or food products handled by the elves. This advisory applies to all persons who might have posed for photographs or danced with one of the little people during the Nightly Pageant of Tropics.

Moe Strickland, the veteran character actor who popularized the role of Uncle Ely, said the stricken performers are resting quietly at Baptist Hospital in Miami, and are expected to recover. He added, "I'm worried about what the kids will think when they don't see us around the park for a few weeks. I guess we'll have to tell them that Uncle Ely took the elves on a summer vacation to Ireland, or wherever it is that elves go."

Chelsea said there are no plans to close the Amazing Kingdom to the public. "This was a freakish incident, and we are confident that the worst is over," he said. "From now on, we get back to the business of having fun."

Beginning tonight, the Amazing Kingdom of Thrills will present a multi-media tribute to Vance and Violet, the last surviving blue-tongued mango voles. The gentle animals were stolen from the park ten days ago in a daring daylight robbery, and later died tragically.

The show will be presented at 8 p.m. in the Rare Animal Pavilion, and will feature color slides, videotapes, rare outdoor film footage and a Claymation exhibit. Admission is $4 for adults, $2.50 for children.