“I told him that, but he’s afraid. He worked with Matthew some on his dance and it brought back horrible memories. Stephen’s been having the worst nightmares. His therapist says its a good sign, that things get worse so they can get better.”

It sounded like something a therapist would say, but out loud I tried to be more helpful. “Stephen is not his father.”

“That’s what his therapist says, but he’s scared.” She swallowed hard enough for me to hear it. It sounded painful, as if she were trying to swallow something that hurt. “I want children, Anita. I want them, and if Stephen doesn’t then I’d have to lose him to have children. I don’t want to lose him. I love him, and I know he loves me.”

I didn’t know what to say, but luckily Micah did. He came and crouched in front of her, putting a hand on her knee. “We’ve got six more months before Gina has her baby. That’s a long time in therapy. Six months can change everything if Stephen works on his issues.”

“But what if he doesn’t work it out?”

Micah gave her that patient it-will-be-all-right look. I put my face back against her hair as she looked at him. I had no comforting face to give her, so I’d just cuddle.

“It’ll work out,” he said, patting her knee in a sort of fatherly way. As Nimir-Raj he was supposed to be a combination of father figure, big brother, and boyfriend, but without the sex.

“How can you be so sure?” But I heard the note in her voice; she wanted to believe his surety, his face, his touch.

Micah smiled at her and there was that certainty in him that I’d seen almost from the beginning. He projected utter confidence that what he said, would be. “I know Stephen, and I know you, and I know you love each other. You’ve gone through a lot together; you’ll make it through this, too.”

“You sound so certain.” Her voice was still breathy, but hopeful now, too.

He smiled wider. “I am.”

I could not have said that, because I was always willing to believe someone would screw up. And because I couldn’t add my certainty to his, I kissed the top of her head where she’d cuddled into the bend of my shoulder.

Monica was suddenly in front of us. I looked up and my face was already set to warn her off, and Micah stood up I think ready for the same thing, but the look on her face wasn’t mean. I’d never seen her look kind before.

She called to J.J. “Can you keep Matthew occupied for a few minutes?”

J.J. glided over to us and got the little boy chasing her. I must have looked surprised, because Monica said, “I was married to a century-old vampire. I know what it’s like to want a baby and believe you’ll never have one. You know how rare it is for one of the older vampires to father a child.”

I did know. I could only nod.

Micah moved out of the way as Monica took his place kneeling in front of Vivian. “Let me take you to the ladies’ room so we can fix your makeup before Stephen gets back.”

Vivian blinked at her and then nodded wordlessly. “I don’t want Stephen to know I told anyone.”

“I won’t tell him,” she said, and she held out her hand. Vivian looked at Micah, who nodded, then at me, and I nodded, too. She went with Monica, and we trusted Monica not to fuck this up. It was a little like sending your daughter off with the mean girl from school and trusting her not to be mean, but strangely, I did.

Micah sat down beside me, and his hand found mine. We sat there and watched J.J. dart around the lobby while Matthew chased her. He was squealing and happy about it, but something about the game reminded me of Jason and his ballerina’s last number. Was I looking for similarities, or was the little boy really imitating Uncle Jason?

As he often did, Micah spoke as if he’d read my mind. “When I was Matthew’s age I begged for a little holster and gun set with plastic badge.”

“Because your dad was a sheriff ?”

He nodded. “He wasn’t sheriff when I was three, but he was in law enforcement and I wanted to be just like him.”

“It’s not just me, then; Matthew is trying to imitate some of the dancing he saw tonight.”

Micah watched the toddler chase the lithe, graceful dancer. “He’s started trying to figure out what it means to be a boy. He’s imitating the men he sees.”

I told him what Matthew had said about how all the big boys kissed me. Micah hugged me, and I realized it was the same way I’d hugged Vivian. It made me sit up straighter and even pull away a little.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I’m just wondering what Matthew’s learning and how it will affect him later.”

“But why did you pull away?”

I took in a deep breath and said, “Because I won’t let myself huddle like Vivian.”

He smiled and drew me in so he could kiss me on the forehead. “You will never huddle like Vivian, Anita.”

I hugged him, pulled him close, and wasn’t so sure. I wanted to ask him, did he want children. He’d had a vasectomy years ago so that a very evil shapeshifter couldn’t use him to get the women of their animal group pregnant. The bad guy had liked them pregnant and liked the pain and sorrow of the miscarriages. He had been one of the most twisted people I’d ever met, and I never regretted killing him.

I couldn’t have Micah’s biological child, but we’d been sharing a bed and a home with Nathaniel for two years. Did they want children? If I’d really been as brave as everyone thought I was, I would have asked, but I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to know. I was afraid I already knew the answer.

5

AN HOUR LATER five of us were walking through the big dungeon door at the bottom of the long stairs leading from the upper parts of Circus of the Damned, where there was a permanent carnival midway and circus ring, plus a freak show that held mostly mythological creatures, to the quiet underground that was the lair of the Master of the City of St. Louis. The first time I’d come through that big, scary door, Jean-Claude had only been one of the master’s minions. I’d killed her to save my life and others, but I’d opened the way for Jean-Claude to be the new master. Talk about your unintended consequences.

We closed and locked the door behind us and were in an open space bordered by huge gauzy curtains that ran from the floor to vanish into the darkness of the ceiling. When I called this the underground I wasn’t joking. It had been carved out of existing caverns under the city, and to add a homey touch the curtains were the walls of the living room.

Jason and J.J. were hand in hand ahead of us as he parted the curtains, hitting the opening out of long habit. If it was new to you, the “door” was nearly impossible to find the first time. They went through laughing, looking at each other in a way I never thought I’d see Jason look at anyone.

We came behind them, my hand in Nathaniel’s and my arm through Micah’s. We almost ran into Jason and J.J. just inside the curtains. Something about the way they were standing made me drop the men’s hands and go for my gun. Maybe I was overreacting, but a lot of our enemies are faster than human. You don’t get a second chance to draw your gun against that kind of speed. I used Jason and J.J. to hide my hands as I tried to see around to what had made them stop, and I could see Jason’s tension level go through the roof. I knew rationally that he’d have yelled a warning if it was a gun situation, but a gun was what I had.

When I could see around them it didn’t make sense. Wicked and Truth were standing with our other black-shirted security guards, but they were all standing in the middle of the room with Jean-Claude and Asher on opposite sides of the group. It looked for the entire world as if the guards were trying to keep the two vampires apart. What the hell?

I stepped out with the gun pointed at the floor. “What’s going on?” I asked.