Chapter Thirty-nine

Leah lived in a terraced house in Kentish Town. It was smaller than the house in Maitland Road but it still looked too big for one person. As I let myself in, I wondered if I’d made a mistake. Could there be lodgers? House guests? But I knew there weren’t. She’d talked about living alone. Miles had talked about her rattling around in her huge empty mansion. How could she afford it? Where did these people get their money from? Rich parents, probably. It didn’t matter. I had other things to think about.

I looked around her hallway. I needed to find something heavy. Astrid wasn’t like Ingrid de Soto. She was tall and strong, stronger than me, probably. But a blow from a heavy object would take anyone down.

Leah was in the process of moving out. Paintings had been taken down and were leaning on the walls ready to be hung in Maitland Road. I walked through to the kitchen at the back of house. There was a small patio behind. I pulled open a couple of drawers and found a breadknife. That would do for afterwards. But I couldn’t find the right heavy object. I walked back and into the living room. A rug was rolled up. On a coffee-table there was a piece of lined paper headed ‘To Do’, followed by a list of items, each one neatly ticked off. Bloody Leah.

On the mantelpiece I found what I was looking for. There was a small symbolic-looking sculpture, a rock with a hole in it and in the hole was a bronze figurine. I weighed it in my palm, felt its cool, rough mass. It was perfect.

I returned to the hallway and sat on the stairs. I placed the breadknife on the step and balanced the sculpture in my hands, moving it from one to the other, and waited. I could feel my heart beating fast, I could feel it in my chest and arms and legs and throbbing through my ears. All it would take was this one decisive act, the removal of the person who could betray me, and I’d be free.

I had little sense of time passing, but it felt quicker than I’d expected when I heard footsteps outside and saw an outline through the frosted glass of the front door. I stepped forward, holding the sculpture in my right hand. There would be a ring at the door, I’d open it with my left hand from behind the door so Astrid wouldn’t see me, she’d step inside, push the door shut, a single blow.

But the bell didn’t ring. I heard some fumbling and then there was the rattle of a key in the lock. I froze. I was unable to think or move. The door opened and Leah stepped inside. She shut the door, turned, saw me, and gave a start that was almost comic. Her eyes widened.

‘Davy?’ she said. ‘What…?’

She couldn’t even think of an adequate question to ask.

I started to babble. ‘I found your keys,’ I said. ‘I brought them back.’

Even as I spoke, I knew it made no sense, that it wouldn’t stand up to more than a moment’s consideration.

Leah spoke to me like someone in a dream. ‘I’ve a spare key,’ she said, as if she needed to explain. ‘But what are you doing here? Why the…?’

And then she saw the sculpture and she never finished the sentence. I brought it round with the force of all my anger, at Leah, a bit, for coming here and ruining everything, but also at life, at the world, for being so messy and complicated. The granite caught her on the side of the temple, full on, with a crunch. Her knees gave way and she fell down sideways, scraping against the wall as she did so. She lay on the ground, her legs flapping noisily. It seemed like a mercy to bend down and hold her throat with my gloved hands to make it stop and go away. I reached for the breadknife and marked her face, as I’d planned to do to Astrid. It was the first time I’d seen how pretty she was.

At that moment, of all moments, I started thinking in the funniest way. My mind was both clear and unclear. I saw myself, as if from above, standing over this dead woman with bubbling red incisions on her face. People would think of the person who had done this as a madman who killed women and mutilated them. A psychopath. But it wasn’t really like that. That’s not who I am.

I couldn’t work out what was best to do. Should I wait for Astrid and go through with my plan? I considered the knife. No. I laid it down carefully. I looked around. Was there anything I needed to take away with me? Had I brought anything? I couldn’t remember. Was it better to take the knife or leave it? I picked it up again. I ran to the kitchen and rinsed it under the tap. I ripped off a few sheets of kitchen roll and wrapped them round the blade. I put the bundle into a plastic shopping bag and rolled it up. Was there anything I was forgetting?

A dim fragment of my plan came back into my mind. Melanie. For my alibi. I needed an alibi, especially now. I stared blindly about me, my mind churning uselessly, and then I saw on the hall table a shallow, dark-blue cardboard box lined with pink tissue paper. Leah had been buying herself expensive lingerie. I snatched up the box and held it against my chest, taking a last look at Leah, who was staring at me glassily. Was I imagining it, or was there a contemptuous curl on her lips? I kicked at her, then went through the front door and outside. Astrid could arrive at any moment, but I had no thought now of staying to watch her. I had to get away. Was there blood on my clothes? I made myself look. Not that I could see. Just leave. Slowly. Walk, don’t run.

I pushed the door shut but it wouldn’t close. Something was resting against it, blocking it. Leah, of course. I wasn’t good at this any more.

My forehead prickled with sweat and I felt dizzy and slightly sick, so I when I got to Regent’s Park I stopped for a few minutes and sat on a bench just inside the gates. A busload of small schoolchildren swarmed by, chattering excitedly. Presumably they were on the way to the zoo. I stared at them as they passed, holding hands with each other, swinging their plastic lunchboxes. I felt tears stinging my eyes. It was all right for them.

I made myself revisit what had just happened. Had I left anything incriminating behind? No, I didn’t think so. Could I have done anything else? No. It wasn’t my fault Leah had come home. She had said she was going to work, hadn’t she? I couldn’t have known she’d change her mind like that. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I could feel the beginnings of a migraine stirring. That was all I needed. First, having to kill Leah like that, and now a bloody headache that would prevent me protecting myself properly. I pulled myself up from the bench, squinting against the sunlight, which jabbed into me, and made it across the road to a pharmacy where I bought some tablets and a bottle of water. I washed down three pills with several gulps of water, then splashed more water over my face. I tried to breathe calmly while I waited for the pain to recede. I didn’t have much time.

It didn’t take me long to get to Melanie’s gallery. Laura was there with a middle-aged man whose popping eyes made him look as if he was being strangled by the ridiculous cravat tied round his neck.

‘Davy?’ Laura looked at me with barely concealed displeasure. She was wearing a shirt with ruffles and a skirt with a large bow tied at the waist – like a parcel done up for Christmas.

‘Hello, Laura.’ I tried to smile at her, felt my lips dragging back over my teeth. My head was pounding viciously. ‘Is Mel here?’

‘She’s in the back room. She’s quite busy, as a matter of -’

‘Thanks. I know the way.’

I pushed past them both and into the back, where Mel was sitting in front of the computer. She was frowning slightly and her lips were pursed, but when she saw me she jumped up hastily, pushing her hands through her hair and smiling anxiously. ‘I wasn’t expecting…’

‘Sssh,’ I said. I laid the box on the small table, walked up to her, put my arms round her and kissed her full on the lips. I was definitely feeling sick now. Sick, clammy and feverish. I kept my eyes fixed on a point over her shoulder. ‘I’ve been thinking of you,’ I said, when I let her go.