Arizona Bridge: This was originally located in Arizona, but was moved to London as a tourist attraction in 1362 by King Eddreth the Big Fan of Onions.

Westminster Abbey: This is an extremely old building where many famous dead British people such as John Milton (Bass player for the Kinks), Rudyard Kipling, and Charlie Watts are buried in the floor. It’s not clear why the British did this. The best we can figure is that it must have been raining very hard during the funerals, and somebody said, “What the hell, let’s just bury them right here in the floor.”

Buckingham Palace: This is, of course, the home of the famous British royal family, which upholds many ancient cherished British traditions such as the tradition of Wearing Comical Hats and the tradition of Appearing on the Cover of People Magazine at Least Once Per Month (“Fergie: Does She Have Shingles?”). Each day thousands of tourists gather at the palace to watch the famous ceremony of the Changing of the Guard, which follows the ceremonies of the Bathing of the Guard and the Sprinkling of Some Talcum Powder on the Guard’s Butt.

FACTS AT A GLANCE

Unit of Currency: The Thruppence (2 Thruppence = 2 Bodkins)

Sign: Capricorn

Track: Wet

Queen’s Wardrobe By: Mister Duane’s House of Vision Impairment

Finland

Located partly inside the Arctic Circle, Finland has long been a popular destination with travelers who enjoy the feeling of knowing that if their car breaks down, they could be eaten by wolves. Finland is also the home of the sauna, which is a wooden box in which you subject Your body to extreme heat, which causes you to become very relaxed, unless of course the door gets stuck. in which case it causes you to become lasagna. We ourselves prefer to stay outside and take our chances with the wolves.

The major city in Finland is Helsinki, home of the world-famous Gverjkinklankerwanker, or “Tower of Linoleum.”

FACTS AT A GLANCE

Unit of Currency: The Fermkin

Form of Government: A small but powerful woman named Helga

Brad: Oh, Marcia, I have missed you so! Marcia: Oh, Brad, really? (They embrace)

France

First of all, let’s dispense with this absurd stereotypical notion that the French are rude. The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you. But that is no reason to bypass this beautiful country, whose master chefs have a well-deserved worldwide reputation for trying to trick people into eating snails. Nobody is sure how this got started, Probably a couple of French master chefs were standing around one day, and they found a snail, and one of them said: “I’ll bet that if we called this something like ‘escargot’ tourists would eat it.” Then they had a hearty laugh, because “escargot” is the French word for “fat crawling bag of phlegm.”

This spirit of daring culinary innovation persists in France, which has also pioneered such advances as:

The entree that costs as much as a set of radial tires and consists of a very large plate that appears at first to be totally empty except for a tiny speck of dirt that turns out, upon closer inspection, to be the entree. (A top French chef can carry an entire year’s supply of entrees in his wallet.)

The waiter who makes it extremely clear that he did not get into the waiter business to waste his valuable time actually waiting on people, especially not lowlife scum such as yourself who clearly would not know the difference between fine French cuisine and Cheez Whiz.

The tip that is automatically included For Your Convenience even if your food arrives festooned with armpit hairs (les haires du pitte).

So you will definitely want to go to some fine French restaurants. We don’t mean go inside them. We mean stand around outside with the other tourists staring incomprehendingly at the menu, which should look like this:

CARTE DE MENU

Les Petites Eyeballes de Mackerelle en Huile de Voiture Le Debenture en Camisole au Bibliothi6que Le Spamme avec un Side de Fries Le Poisson du Votre Fr6re Raoul Le Roni du Zoo en La Ware de la Tupper Prix Pour Le Wholle Ball de Waxe:

156,000,000,000,000,000 Franks. Le Financing Available

“Vouz Tried the Rest, Now Try Le Best.

Once You’ve looked at the menu for a while, it’s time to enjoy a hearty one-ounce bag of peanuts saved from your plane trip over, then set out to view:

The Attractions of France

One of the main attractions is of course the world-famous Eiffel Tower, which created a lot of controversy when it was erected in 1889 because the builder, Alexandre Gustave Eiffel, had presold it as a condominium. “Where the hell are the walls?” the buyers wanted to know. “Where are we supposed to go to the bathroom?” This is still a problem at the tower, so don’t stand too close.

Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave men and women who have died trying to visit it, which we do not recommend because it’s located in the middle of La Place de la Traffic Coming from All Directions at 1 14 Miles Per Hour. But you should

definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where You can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa, which actually was stolen in 1978, but the crowd is so dense that it doesn’t matter. People come away convinced that they’ve seen it, similar to the way people in underdeveloped nations are always seeing the face of Jesus on the skins of yams. Also in the Louvre are various statues with pieces missing—visitors are welcome to try to patch these up.

A Good Conversation-Starter in France: “I guess you guys really bit the big one in World War Two, huh?”

FACTS AT A GLANCE

National Underwear Chonging Day: March 1 2

Official Dance: The Gotor

Germany

Germany is really a very nice nation that used to have an unfortunate tendency to fall in with the wrong crowd every few decades and try to take over the world. But that is all in the past, thank goodness.

After years of painful division, East and West Germany are finally back together as a large, vibrant, strong, dynamic, extremely powerful and heavily armed nation that we are sure will be a Good Neighbor for ... LOOK OUT! HERE THEY COME!!

Ha ha! We are just poking a little friendly fun at Germany, which is famous for enjoying a good joke, or as the Germans say, “Sprechnehaltenzoltenfus senmachschnitzerkalbenrollen.” Here is just one hilarious example of what we are talking about:

FIRST GERMAN: How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

SECOND GERMAN: I don’t know! How many?

FIRST GERMAN: Let’s invade Poland and find out!

MILLIONS OF OTHER GERMANS: Okay!

No! We’re just kidding! Probably! The truth is that we like Germany a lot. In fact, we celebrated our fortieth birthday there with some friends, the idea being that if we were going to get old, we should do it while surrounded by the maximum possible quantity of beer. They have wonderful beer in Germany, and they serve it in containers so large that, in other nations, they would be used as shelters for the homeless. This gives new meaning to the concept of “having a beer.” In the United States, “having a beer” is a semi-harmless act that leaves you feeling slightly mellow, whereas in Germany it can leave you dancing naked on the roof of a moving bus (This requires a permit; ask your travel agent).

Eating in Germany is easy, because there is basically only one kind of food, called the “wurst.” This is a delicious item made by compressing random pig parts until they have reached the density of bowling balls, then serving them in long brown units that don’t look at all like large bowel movements, so just put that thought right out of your mind. At first, all worsts seem the same, but in fact each region of the country has its own “special recipe,” thus producing a wide variety for your eating excitement. Some of our personal favorites are: