YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER: Oh FATHER! (Crying, she rushes from the restaurant.)

Also, teenagers are bored. By everything. Show a teenager an actual volcanic eruption, in progress, featuring giant billowing clouds of smoke, hot rocks raining from the sky, lava flows destroying entire villages, etc., and the teenager, eyebrows arched with sarcasm, will look at you and say, “Gee, this is swell,” then return to the rental car, turn on his portable CD player, and listen to a band called Stomach Contents.

So as a parent, you may feel that your wisest course is to postpone your family traveling until your teenage child has reached a more reasonable age, such as forty-eight. If this is not possible, you’ll want to follow the:

Two Major Rules for Traveling with Teenagers

1. Always Remain Outside of the Embarrassment Zone. If you get too close to your teenager in public, your teenager will become concerned that other teenagers might think that your teenager was somehow connected with you, which of course would be hideously embarrassing. So while traveling you must always maintain the Minimum Acceptable Public Distance.

2. Find Activities That Are Interesting to Teenagers. If the teenager is bored with an activity that you have planned, simply select an activity that he or she might find more interesting. Here is a handy chart to help you do this:

Activity that would be boring for teenager

Alternative activity that might be more interesting for teenager

Visiting the Louvre Museum

Leaving the Louvre Museum

Seeing the Crown Jewels

Not Seeing the Crown Jewels

Touring India by Elephant

Anyplace but India Definitely Not on an Elephant.

Chapter Five. See The U.S.A. First! (While We Still Own Part Of It)

As Americans, we are fortunate to live in a large nation, of incredible variety, as is so eloquently described in the moving opening lines of “America the Beautiful”

Well East Coast girls are hip, I really dig those styles they wear.

Yes, this is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up next to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan, and you owe it to yourself, as an American, to see it all. Why go to Europe, with its high prices and strange food and incomprehensible lingos, when, with just a little effort, you can find those things right here?

To help you get the most out of your “American Adventure,” we’ve prepared the following state-by-state breakdown of Useful Facts and Tips. The information for this section was obtained via an exhaustive process of typing the name of a state and then trying to remember if we or anybody we knew had ever been there. Also, we got a lot of useful information from our son’s encyclopedia, a handy reference work that we always carry along when we travel, which is why we need a back operation.

The Fifty States

Alabama

Often called “The Pancreas of Dixie,” Alabama offers a tremendous amount of culture as well as turnips. The State Flower is the camelia; the State Dog is named “Booger” and you should not wake him up. Montgomery, Alabama, was the first capital of the Confederacy and in 1861 was the site of the inauguration of legendary Civil War coach Paul “Bear” Bryant. Many other fascinating historic and cultural events have also occurred in this dynamic state. Ask around.

Alaska

Despite being close to Alabama in the encyclopedia, Alaska is actually located in Canada. ThiS is only one of the astounding facts about this dynamic state, which is so big that if you were to walk across it at the rate of 25 miles per day, you would get moose poop all over your shoes. You find moose poop everywhere in Alaska. You can buy souvenirs made from it. We once bought (this is true) some moosepoop swizzle sticks in Alaska’s largest city, Anchorage, where our hotel had a huge stuffed bear in the lobby striking a pose that said: “Welcome to Alaska! I am going to rip your face off!” Alaska also contains large quantities of nature in the form of tundra (“tundra” is the Eskimo word for “nothing”) and glaciers, which are enormous pieces of ice that have somehow developed the ability to creep around, which is a pretty scary concept and we just hope that they don’t learn to walk erect. The Official State Motto of Alaska is: “Brrrrrrr!” The Official State Bird is covered with oil.

Arizona

When you think of Arizona, you naturally think of one of the great wonders of the world, a spectacular natural formation carved out of the rock over millions of years by the Colorado River, namely: Niagara Falls. But this dynamic state also features the subtler beauty of the desert (“desert” is a Spanish word meaning “tundra”), home of the scorpion, which is the Official State Creature That Crawls into Your Shoe and Can Cause Paralysis. Another popular attraction is London Bridge, which was transported stone by stone from England hidden in the luggage of a group of very aggressive souvenir-seeking Arizonans on a European tour. They would have got more, but a suspicious British airport security employee opened one of their carry-on bags and discovered a large segment of Stonehenge.

Arkansas

With its ideal location somewhere in the United States that we can never quite picture in our mind, Arkansas offers convenient access to adjoining regions, plus a football team whose fans wear masks with giant hog snouts (at least we assume those are masks). It is little wonder that millions of visitors flock to this dynamic state each year, purchase gasoline, and continue flocking on through. Among the many fascinating historic events that have occurred in Arkansas are the Louisiana Purchase, bauxite, and Hernando de Soto. Also Arkansas once elected a governor named “Orval E. Faubus.” The Official State Egg Order is “over medium.”

California

The nation’s most populous state, California truly lives up to its dynamic nickname, “The Nation’s Most Populous State,” with enough uniformed parking valets in Los Angeles alone to conquer Eastern Europe. Southern California also boasts more than 57 billion convenient miles of freeway and many fascinating places to visit, although we frankly have no idea which exit you take to get to them. But you should definitely try to find Universal Studios, where you can get a “behind-the-scenes” look at an actual working amusement park, including a terrifying ride where, in the climactic finale, you are attacked by a realistic fourteen-ton animated replica of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Visitors to Northern California will definitely want to visit Wine Country, where they can snork down a couple dozen free samples and then go experience the dry heaves amidst the awesome towering grandeur of the giant redwoods, which are the oldest living things on Earth that are not members of the Grateful Dead. And of course no trip to Northern California would be complete without a visit to San Francisco, whose romantic charm inspired the immortal Tony Bennett song, “Don’t Mess with My Toot Toot.” Be sure to join several tons of carbohydrate-bloated tourists for a ride on a quaint cable car, lurching up quaint “hills” that are actually 800-foot vertical drops as the cable-car driver dings the quaint little bell, sending out the cheerful message “ding-ading-ding,” which is code for: “Look out, my cable is badly frayed.” California’s State Blender Setting is puree.