August
2—South Florida’s dreams of a first-class sports facility come true at last with the opening of Joe Robbie Stadium, featuring comfortable seating, excellent visibility, plenty of bathrooms, and nearly five parking spaces.
3—Political activist Donna Rice, in her continuing effort to avoid publicity, sells her story to ABC television.
6—As “Ollie-mania” continues to sweep the country, one of the most popular video-arcade games in the country is a new one called—this is true—”Contra.” The way it works is, there are two soldiers on the screen, and when you put in a quarter, it never gets to them.
10—The U.S. space probe Meanderer II, after a journey of six years and many millions of miles, passes within 400 miles of the surface of Neptune, sending back dramatic color photographs of a Delta Air Lines jet.
16—On the 10th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death, tens of thousands of fans gather in Memphis to hear Bob Woodward discuss his final moments with the bulging superstar. At the same time, thousands of other people gifted with “New Age” consciousness celebrate the Harmonic Convergence by picking at their straitjacket straps with their teeth.
20—In Miami, alert Metro-rail police arrest a woman for permitting her child to eat a Vienna sausage. Bystanders applaud this courageous law-enforcement action by firing their revolvers into the air.
22—Rumors circulate that Gary Hart will re-enter the presidential race. Johnny Carson places his writers on Full Red Alert.
25—In what is hailed as a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court decides, by a 7
to 2 vote, that you cannot count three oranges as one item in the express checkout lane “unless they are all in the same package.”
27—Georgia Senator Sam Nunn announces that he doesn’t want to be president. Cuomo challenges him to a debate.
28—In the Persian Gulf, tensions MOunt as a U.S. gunboat engages in a scuffle with actor Sean Penn.
September
1—The FAA, responding to consumer complaints, issues tough new rules under which airlines are required to notify passengers “within a reasonable period of time” if their plane has crashed.
2—In Washington, reporters notice that at some point—possibly during a speech by Senator Inouye, when everybody was asleep—the ongoing Iran-contra hearings turned into the ongoing confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork.
7—As the arrival of Pope John Paul II approaches, the South Florida news media begin mass-producing special helpful news supplements advising the public on how to avoid the massive crowds and traffic and heat.
8—Researcher Shere Hite releases her scientific new book, Men Are Scum. The South Florida news media continue to generate massive quantities of helpful hurricane-style news alerts concerning the upcoming papal visit and what the public should do to avoid massive crowds and traffic and heat and crime.
9—In Washington, D.C., ground is broken for the $25.4 million Presidential Polyp Museum. South Florida experiences an epidemic of hernias suffered by residents attempting to pick up newspapers filled with helpful papal supplements informing them how to cope with massive crowds and traffic and heat and crime and disease and death.
10—IT is a glorious moment for South Florida as Pope John Paul II is greeted by an estimated crowd of 3,000 soldiers garbed in festive camouflage outfits, frowning warily at 1,500 news media personnel crouching on the ground to confirm that the manhole covers are, in fact, welded shut.
12—In the ongoing hearings, Senator Joseph Biden pledges to consider the Bork nomination “with total objectivity,” adding, “You have that on my honor not only as a senator, but also as the Prince of Wales.”
17—The market-savvy McDonald’s Corporation, capitalizing on the popularity of the movie Fatal Attraction, introduces a new menu item, Boiled McRabbits. 2
1—Professional football players go on strike, demanding the right to “have normal necks.” Negotiations begin under the guidance of mediator Mario Cuomo.
28—Tensions ease in the Persian Gulf as a Delta Air Lines flight, en route from Boston to Newark, successfully lands on the U.S. carrier Avocado.
October
1—Senator Joseph Biden is forced to withdraw from the Democratic presidential race when it is learned that he is in fact an elderly Norwegian woman. On the Republican side, the spectacular Reverend Pat Robertson announces his candidacy for president, buoyed by strong popularity among humor columnists.
8—Three hundred prominent law professors sign a petition stating that Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork has a “weenie beard.”
12—Hurricane Floyd, packing a wind estimated at 14 miles per hour, lashes South Florida, wreaking more than $67.50 worth of havoc. Governor “Bob” Martinez, after touring the devastated area via golf cart, pledges that he will request federal disaster relief, then campaign against it.
15—In an effort to establish that she is not a bimbo, Jessica Hahn appears nude in Playboy magazine. We are pretty sure we must have made this item up.
19—In Norman, Okla., a renegade automatic bank teller known to its followers only as “The Leader” sends a message out on a special data-transmission line to New York. Within seconds, Wall Street is gripped by the worst computer riot in history.
20—The Wall Street computers continue to rage out of control, threatening that if any attempt is made to subdue them, they will start electrocuting investment bankers. Tragically, it turns out that they are only bluffing.
22—As the stock market is brought under control, major brokerage firms run expensive prime-time TV commercials reassuring the public that this is a good time to get back into the market, prompting the public to wonder how come these firms didn’t spend a few bucks last week to warn everybody to get the hell out.
23—The Senate rejects Bork. President Reagan, informed of this by his aides, angrily responds: “Who?”
25—The Senate Transportation committee recommends the federal speed limit be raised on highways going through boring or ugly areas, so drivers can get through them quicker. “In Indiana, for instance,” the committee says,
“it should be 135 miles per hour.”
29—The Minnesota Twins win the World Series. President Reagan, as is the custom, calls up manager Tom Kelly and nominates him to the Supreme Court.
November
1—In the ongoing heroic effort to trim the federal budget deficit, House and Senate conferees agree not to order appetizers.
7—Totally true item: The Herald refuses to publish an episode of the comic strip “Bloom County” because it contains the quotation, “Reagan sucks.” To explain this decision, the Herald runs a story containing the quotation, “Reagan sucks.” Several days later, in response to a letter from an irate “Bloom County” fan, the Herald prints an explanatory note containing the quotation, “Reagan sucks.”
8—Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, large chunks of his scalp falling off, angrily demands the United States do something about “acid rain.”
10—Don Johnson announces he is leaving Miami, dealing a severe blow to the area’s hopes to repeat as winner of the Biggest Cockroach Contest.
12—In continuing media coverage of the “character issue,” presidential candidates named Bruce “Dick” Babbitt and Albert “Dick” Gore, Jr., state that they have tried marijuana, but no longer use it. “Now we just drink gin till we throw up,” they state.
13—George Bush reveals that he tried to smoke marijuana, but nobody would give him any.