Returning to the bedroom, I found Lex still standing where I’d left him. His lost, haunted expression was almost enough to suck all the anger right out of me. Almost.

“You gonna stand there all night?” I began unlacing the cuffs of my swordswoman shirt. I needed a shower to clean up. I had a feeling that either we were going to be showering together in a fun way, or we were going to have a big fight and I’d be crying alone in the shower afterwards.

I wasn’t giving myself good odds on the fun option.

“You’re going to turn it down, aren’t you?”

Looking up at me, he frowned. “It’s not a simple decision, Cat.”

“No shit, Sherlock, but everybody around me bullied me into trying to be Titania. Oh, you’ll be so good at it, it’s for the good of the region. Blah, blah, blah.” With the cuffs unlaced, I started on the collar of the shirt. “Not so fun when the shoe’s on the other foot, is it?”

“This is different.” He slowly flexed the fingers of his right hand, staring down at it as though it’d fallen asleep and he was trying to restore feeling to it.

“No it’s not.”

“You’re asking me to-”

“To give up your life? The thing that makes you special? To be outcast from your family and friends?” I interrupted. “Gee, sounds familiar somehow.”

“That’s not funny.”

“I’m not laughing, Lex.” Tugging the shirt off, I held the garment up to the light. It looked like a piece of evidence on a crime show. I almost considered keeping it as a souvenir, but decided to toss it instead. I started to walk out of the room to pitch it into the trash in the kitchen, but I paused as I passed Lex. His magic smelled different-instead of the muddled mix I associated with guardian, he now had the sharp winter chill of an ice sorcerer.

“At least you still have magic,” I commented. “Was your family made up of sorcerers before they became guardians?”

“How’d you know that?” he asked, surprised.

I shrugged in reply, and then continued out into the kitchen and tossed my shirt into the garbage. Lex followed me this time and stood hovering in the doorway. “Bein’ a guardian is more than a position, it’s my entire life. It’s who I am. Duquesnes have been guardians for generations. There was never a question of what I’d be when I grew up, only a question of where I’d serve. You’re askin’ me to give all that up, and not only for me, but maybe even for my children.”

Our children, I corrected silently. My eyes stung and I turned away, standing over the sink as I fought to keep my composure. There’s very little sunshine and rainbows in being a magician-being able to do magic makes your life harder, not easier, and finding your soul mate isn’t a guarantee for a romantic happily ever after. My odds of a happily ever after seemed to be shrinking by the minute. Taking a deep breath, I turned and faced him again.

“Look, I know you didn’t know this was coming, and I’m sorry. I had no idea about the soul mates thing, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have expected this from the council. I’ve never heard of anything like it before,” I said, trying to placate him. Crossing to the kitchen table, I plopped down into a chair, intending to remove my boots, but then I noticed an odd expression on Lex’s face. He was hiding something. “You didn’t know, right? That this was coming? Did you?”

“I didn’t know that they’d offer Oberon to me.”

“But you knew about the soul mates?” I asked incredulously, and he nodded. “For how long?” Annoyed, I unknotted my bootlaces and started loosening them.

“Since the attack at Silverleaf castle, when you picked up the spear. There’re protective spells on it-only a guardian can handle a guardian’s weapon. Anyone else who tries is wounded when they touch it, but you weren’t. It didn’t harm you ’cause your aura’s in tune with my magic. It’s the same reason I keep gettin’ past your shields.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know. I guess I thought you had enough to worry about right now without hearin’ that too. Would it have changed anything?”

“I had a right to know.” My fingers clenched around the chunky heel of my boot as I seriously considered hurling it at his head, but then I forced myself to drop it. The boots hit the floor with a loud thump, one after the other. I could not believe that he didn’t tell me something that important.

“What are you doing?” Lex raised an eyebrow, seeming confused.

“Gonna take a shower.”

“Don’t you think you should-” he paused, and then frowned.

“Should what? Wait for you to stop being a jerk about this? Then I’d never get to shower.” Hell might freeze over before he stopped being a jerk.

“I’m not-”

“Lex, when you were picturing our future together, did you see yourself making any changes at all? Or did you just move me into your house and expect I’d go with the flow?”

His gaze dropped to the floor and he ran a hand over his hair. “I guess I did. Cat, this is what I am. Bein’ a guardian is all I know how to be.”

“Yeah, well, being a witch is all I knew how to be, and when I was cast out, I got through it. I learned how to live as something else, and now I’m going to learn how to be Titania.” I peeled my socks off and plopped them into the boots, and then shoved them under the table. “When you figure out what you want to do, you let me know, but in the meantime I think it’s best that you leave.” Standing, I placed my hands on my hips and stared him down. It was a toss-up whether I was angrier with him than I was at myself. I was such an idiot, I couldn’t believe I’d fallen for him again, only to be reminded that I’d always place a distant second to his guardian responsibilities. Apparently even something as momentous as finding his soul mate wasn’t worth interfering with them.

“Cat, don’t be that way.” He sighed.

“What way? Is it really so much to ask that just once I be worth sacrificing something for? My father wasn’t willing to give up his search for power to be with me and my mother. My mother wasn’t willing to give up on getting my father back and just take care of me. You weren’t willing to risk your position to keep my secret safe from the council. Just once, I’d like to be enough, you know?”

“Cat.”

“Just go. Please,” I said, leaving no room for argument in my tone.

He left.

Chapter Fifteen

“I really think you should call him, Kitty.”

It was the third time the faerie had offered that particular bit of advice in the last ten minutes. Pausing, I flexed my fingers as they hovered above my keyboard, and took a calming breath. Portia was just trying to help. Really. She had no idea that she was quickly driving me nutty bonkers.

“I. Am not. Calling. Lex.”

Oblivious to the annoyance in my tone, Portia continued flipping channels. On the surface, everything appeared normal. It was amazing to me how disturbingly normal my apartment felt when I returned home. After all I’d been through, I expected something to be different. I had changed, it should too. The only obvious developments that had occurred in my absence were a few days’ worth of dust, a full mailbox, and a ton of new email. Merri and Pippin wasted no time in settling back in once Portia brought them over, and the sounds of scampering feet chasing the ever-elusive catnip mouse echoed throughout the apartment. Though she didn’t need to, Portia lingered after her feline delivery. I had a feeling she didn’t want to go home. Tybalt’s death made Castle Silverleaf a somber place. The brisk, lively cheer had been drained out of it, leaving a chill melancholy in its wake.

I wanted to go into work, but the café was temporarily closed. I filled the free time with surfing the Web for a new job. I couldn’t keep working at the café without Mac being there-even if I managed to keep my job, it would never be the same. Besides, it’d just be weird. The customers who saw me as a plain, simple waitress would have no idea that I was Titania, or what that meant. I was an outcast witch who had murdered, and worse, that murder had made me a kinslayer-somehow I doubted Dorian would’ve struggled with that title if he’d succeeded in killing me. I couldn’t stay here, expecting my old life to change to fit my new one. What would I do, hear people’s grievances after the café closed while I waited for the pan washer to finish one load and start another?