“What in the world are Wisconsin shingles?” asked Yossarian.
“That’s just what the doctors wanted to know!” blurted out the chaplain proudly, and burst into laughter. No one had ever seen him so waggish, or so happy. “There’s no such thing as Wisconsin shingles. Don’t you understand? I lied. I made a deal with the doctors. I promised that I would let them know when my Wisconsin shingles went away if they would promise not to do anything to cure them. I never told a lie before. Isn’t it wonderful?”
The chaplain had sinned, and it was good. Common sense told him that telling lies and defecting from duty were sins. On the other hand, everyone knew that sin was evil, and that no good could come from evil. But he did feel good; he felt positively marvelous. Consequently, it followed logically that telling lies and defecting from duty could not be sins. The chaplain had mastered, in a moment of divine intuition, the handy technique of protective rationalization, and he was exhilarated by his discovery. It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character. With effervescent agility the chaplain ran through the whole gamut of orthodox immoralities, while Nately sat up in bed with flushed elation, astounded by the mad gang of companions of which he found himself the nucleus. He was flattered and apprehensive, certain that some severe official would soon appear and throw the whole lot of them out like a pack of bums. No one bothered them. In the evening they all trooped exuberantly out to see a lousy Hollywood extravaganza in Technicolor, and when they trooped exuberantly back in after the lousy Hollywood extravaganza, the soldier in white was there, and Dunbar screamed and went to pieces.
“He’s back!” Dunbar screamed. “He’s back! He’s back!”
Yossarian froze in his tracks, paralyzed as much by the eerie shrillness in Dunbar’s voice as by the familiar, white, morbid sight of the soldier in white covered from head to toe in plaster and gauze. A strange, quavering, involuntary noise came bubbling from Yossarian’s throat.
“He’s back!” Dunbar screamed again.
“He’s back!” a patient delirious with fever echoed in automatic terror.
All at once the ward erupted into bedlam. Mobs of sick and injured men began ranting incoherently and running and jumping in the aisle as though the building were on fire. A patient with one foot and one crutch was hopping back and forth swiftly in panic crying, “What is it? What is it? Are we burning? Are we burning?”
“He’s back!” someone shouted at him. “Didn’t you hear him? He’s back! He’s back!”
“Who’s back?” shouted someone else. “Who is it?”
“What does it mean? What should we do?”
“Are we on fire?”
“Get up and run, damn it! Everybody get up and run!”
Everybody got out of bed and began running from one end of the ward to the other. One C.I.D. man was looking for a gun to shoot one of the other C.I.D. men who had jabbed his elbow into his eye. The ward had turned into chaos. The patient delirious with the high fever leaped into the aisle and almost knocked over the patient with one foot, who accidentally brought the black rubber tip of his crutch down on the other’s bare foot, crushing some toes. The delirious man with the fever and the crushed toes sank to the floor and wept in pain while other men tripped over him and hurt him more in their blind, milling, agonized stampede. “He’s back!” all the men kept mumbling and chanting and calling out hysterically as they rushed back and forth. “He’s back, he’s back!” Nurse Cramer was there in the middle suddenly like a spinning policeman, trying desperately to restore order, dissolving helplessly into tears when she failed. “Be still, please be still,” she urged uselessly through her massive sobs. The chaplain, pale as a ghost, had no idea what was going on. Neither did Nately, who kept close to Yossarian’s side, clinging to his elbow, or Hungry Joe, who followed dubiously with his scrawny fists clenched and glanced from side to side with a face that was scared.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Hungry Joe pleaded. “What the hell is going on?”
“It’s the same one!” Dunbar shouted at him emphatically in a voice rising clearly above the raucous commotion. “Don’t you understand? It’s the same one.”
“The same one!” Yossarian heard himself echo, quivering with a deep and ominous excitement that he could not control, and shoved his way after Dunbar toward the bed of the soldier in white.
“Take it easy, fellas,” the short patriotic Texan counseled affably, with an uncertain grin. “There’s no cause to be upset. Why don’t we all just take it easy?”
“The same one!” others began murmuring, chanting and shouting.
Suddenly Nurse Duckett was there, too. “What’s going on?” she demanded.
“He’s back!” Nurse Cramer screamed, sinking into her arms. “He’s back, he’s back!”
It was, indeed, the same man. He had lost a few inches and added some weight, but Yossarian remembered him instantly by the two stiff anus and the two stiff, thick, useless legs all drawn upward into the air almost perpendicularly by the taut ropes and the long lead weights suspended from pulleys over him and by the frayed black hole in the bandages over his mouth. He had, in fact, hardly changed at all. There was the same zinc pipe rising from the hard stone mass over his groin and leading to the clear glass jar on the floor. There was the same clear glass jar on a pole dripping fluid into him through the crook of his elbow. Yossarian would recognize him anywhere. He wondered who he was.
“There’s no one inside!” Dunbar yelled out at him unexpectedly.
Yossarian felt his heart skip a beat and his legs grow weak. “What are you talking about?” he shouted with dread, stunned by the haggard, sparking anguish in Dunbar’s eyes and by his crazed look of wild shock and horror. “Are you nuts or something? What the hell do you mean, there’s no one inside?”
“They’ve stolen him away!” Dunbar shouted back. “He’s hollow inside, like a chocolate soldier. They just took him away and left those bandages there.”
“Why should they do that?”
“Why do they do anything?”
“They’ve stolen him away!” screamed someone else, and people all over the ward began screaming, “They’ve stolen him away. They’ve stolen him away!”
“Go back to your beds,” Nurse Duckett pleaded with Dunbar and Yossarian, pushing feebly against Yossarian’s chest. “Please go back to your beds.”
“You’re crazy!” Yossarian shouted angrily at Dunbar. “What the hell makes you say that?”
“Did anyone see him?” Dunbar demanded with sneering fervor.
“You saw him, didn’t you?” Yossarian said to Nurse Duckett. “Tell Dunbar there’s someone inside.”
“Lieutenant Schmulker is inside,” Nurse Duckett said. “He’s burned all over.”
“Did she see him?”
“You saw him, didn’t you?”
“The doctor who bandaged him saw him.”
“Go get him, will you? Which doctor was it?”
Nurse Duckett reacted to the question with a startled gasp. “The doctor isn’t even here!” she exclaimed. “The patient was brought to us that way from a field hospital.”
“You see?” cried Nurse Cramer. “There’s no one inside!”
“There’s no one inside!” yelled Hungry Joe, and began stamping on the floor.
Dunbar broke through and leaped up furiously on the soldier in white’s bed to see for himself, pressing his gleaming eye down hungrily against the tattered black hole in the shell of white bandages. He was still bent over staring with one eye into the lightless, unstirring void of the soldier in white’s mouth when the doctors and the M.P.s came running to help Yossarian pull him away. The doctors wore guns at the waist. The guards carried carbines and rifles with which they shoved and jolted the crowd of muttering patients back. A stretcher on wheels was there, and the solder in white was lifted out of bed skillfully and rolled out of sight in a matter of seconds. The doctors and M.P.s moved through the ward assuring everyone that everything was all right.