"Yes, miss them-but in your sorrow, also cherish them." It made sense. Of a sort.

At least it was a way to continue. But . . . my mother.

I couldn't grieve, because I couldn't forgive.

And I couldn't forgive her because I couldn't forgive myself. For Jason.

I was the person my mother used to warn me about. She would have to forgive me first before I could forgive her. And she couldn't do that, because she was dead.

So I couldn't cry.

I could only be angry.

I was staring at what I was seeing without seeing it at all. And suddenly, Dove's tick-tocking noises made sense. He had been imitating the sound of footsteps.

There were footprints here in the soft dirt. Cleated footprints. Neither of the boys, and neither Jack nor I, were wearing cleats on our shoes.

In fact, I couldn't think of anybody who wore cleats. Strangers had been prowling the base of the peninsula. I forgot about my mother.

She was going to have to wait until I had the time for her. Again.

"Make it quick, Jim," B-jay said. "I've got enough problems already. We've got kids missing again. I'm afraid that they're going feral on us. You're going to have to put off finishing your fence. I want you in the search party."

I shook my head. "Joey Donavan's been missing over a week. That's not feral, that's something worse."

"We've had this conversation before, Jim. I'm tired of hearing about Chtorrans . . ."

"B-Jay, listen to me! There are renegades in the hills and they're scouting Family."

I told her about the footprints, and the boy in the hills. "I should have realized it before. They use children as scouts. B-Jay, I've got to have some help finishing the fence. You've got to call Santa Cruz for military protection."

"I am not going to put myself under the authority of the military government, dammit! I fought too hard to get out from under their thumb."

"Don't be stupid! We have no defenses here. We have two hundred kids and less than twenty adults. A truly determined assault will devastate this place. They could be on us tomorrow. Or tonight!"

B-Jay pushed a hand back through her hair. "Jim," she said. "I've heard the speech. You've got your fences. There isn't anything else you can do and there isn't anything new you can tell me."

"Do you know how renegades use children?"

She held up a hand. "Spare me the horror stories. I have an imagination. Jim, you've spent the last two weeks putting up those damned dangerous fences. Now, you're telling me they're not going to work?"

"Those fences will stop worms. They won't stop truly determined renegades."

"Jim, stop it!" Betty-John screamed at me. Her face was red. "I am sick and fucking tired of your Chtorran paranoia! So is everybody else! We've got children missing and you want to arm for war! Give the rest of us some credit too! Let us be right once in a while!"

"Okay, be right!" I shouted right back. "But you'll end up just as dead as if you're wrong! You're living in a dream world! You don't know what's out there!"

"And you do?"

"Yes, dammit, I do!" I was screaming in her face. "Christ, B-Jay, I'm trying to save lives!"

"So am I!"

For a moment, we both just stared at each other, both breathing hard and glaring angrily, neither backing down, neither willing to concede an inch.

Betty-John spoke first. "I have done everything I can for you, Jim. I really have. I went out on a limb for you, so you could build those worm fences, even though you're the only one who seems to think we need them. Nobody else does. We've never been attacked here, we've never even seen a Chtorran in this district. This is one of the safest counties in California. But not a day goes by that you don't worry about Chtorrans and renegades. Considering your history, Jim, don't you think that's a little, um . . . derivative? Symptomatic?"

"You think I'm off the deep end, don't you?"

"Yes, I do. I think you're just as crazy as the rest of us. But at least your craziness is specific. Jim, you've been hypersensitized to this issue to the point where you can't see anything else."

"I don't feel safe here," I said it very quietly.

"I got that. This is as safe as it gets."

"No, it isn't. There's more we can do."

"We don't have the resources."

"We can't afford not too."

"I'll be the judge of that."

"Why don't you listen to someone who knows more about it than you do?"

"Jim-" Betty-John's expression hardened. "This conversation isn't getting us anywhere. I'm not going to authorize any more fences or put guns in the hands of children or ask the military governor for assistance or anything else. And if you want to stay here, you had better get used to the idea that this is the final word on this subject."

"If that's the final word, B-Jay, then maybe I can't stay here anymore!"

B-Jay looked as if I'd slapped her. The room was suddenly cold. She said slowly, "I think you'd better go now, Jim. And maybe you'd better reevaluate what kind of contribution you can make here."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I don't think we should talk anymore right now."

"No, tell me!"

She said slowly, "Jim, if that's how you really feel, then perhaps you'd better look at moving to someplace where you do feel safe."

"For the sake of my children, I may have to."

"No," she said. "The children stay. You go."

"They're legally mine."

"I can fix that too."

"Huh?"

"The well-being of the child, Jim."

"You need grounds."

"I have grounds. You're sexually abusing Tommy."

I sank back into my chair as if I'd been slammed with a brick and just stared at her. "I don't believe this," I said. "You're a goddamned hypocrite."

"You'd better believe it. I mean what I say. I'm tired of hearing about the Chtorr. I've busted my ass to get this place working. A lot of us have. And we're all getting pretty annoyed with you coming in here and telling us how it has to be instead. You're wasting a lot of our time and a lot of our resources, and we're all pretty much fed up with you. If you're not willing to be a part of the solution, then please don't be a part of anything here."

"Fine," I said. I stood up. "I hope to God you don't one day walk out the door and see Chtorrans coming down that street, because then it'll be too late to change your mind."

"I can live with myself, Jim. Now I want you to learn how to live with yourself."

"I'm doing fine, lady." I strode out of her office and headed for home.

The kids and I could leave for San Francisco right after dinner, and I could probably have us a plane for Hawaii in the morning.