"Nothin'. I just want to sleep with you." He slid up close and put his arms around me. Tight. He was pretty strong for a thirteen-year-old. "You're my Daddy now."
"Uh-huh." I hugged him back and stroked his hair. "But you're a big boy now, and-hey!" I pulled the covers back and sat up. "What the hell are you doing-?"
I immediately regretted yelling. I could see his dim silhouette trembling in the dark. His voice quavered. "You don't want me?" The bottom dropped out of my gut as I realized what he was talking about.
"I thought you wanted me. Isn't that why you adopted me?"
"I adopted you because I love you, Tommy."
He sniffled.
"I do love you," I insisted. My mind was racing, trying to figure the best way to handle the situation. "I really do." He seemed almost to relax, and started to move closer again. "But-this isn't what I meant. Tommy, do you love me?"
"You won't let me!"
"That's not what I'm talking about. There are lots of different kinds of love . . ."
"What do you want?" he cried. He wasn't even listening. He was crying now, sobbing like a little girl. I began to realize: he'd offered me the only thing he had, his body, and I'd rejected it. How could I really love him if I wouldn't let him return the feeling?
"Tommy . . ." I wanted to take him into my arms and hold him, but I didn't dare.
Instead, I got out of bed. "Stay there," I grunted. I padded into the living room and punched the phone to life. Betty-John was awake-at this hour?-she caught it on the second chime. "Who is it?"
"Jim. I've got a problem."
"Can't it wait till morning?"
"No, it can't. B-Jay, did those papers on the kids ever come down?"
"No, why?"
"Tommy just tried to climb into bed with me. I want to know where-"
"Is that all?"
"Maybe I didn't make myself clear, B-Jay. He wanted to do more than sleep."
"I got it the first time. I said, is that all?"
"B-Jay-!"
"Jim, we've had to deal with this before. In fact, it crops up so often, I'm surprised you didn't know. I thought you did. You should have recognized it in the way he treats Alec."
"Well, I didn't. And this is no time to hash it over. What I need to know is what to do?"
"Get back in bed. Tell him you love him."
"I tried that. It didn't work."
"I said, tell him you love him. Tell it to him in a way he'll understand. "
"Betty-John-"
Her voice rose sharply. "I'll tell it to you in words you'll understand. Most of these kids we're getting have been found in small towns, or other situations where there hasn't been a lot of organization, not a lot of social structure. They've survived not by any inherent survival skills-these aren't feral children, they're socielized just enough to be very very vulnerable. These are the kind of children who are the first to die in a population crash, and the ones we're getting are the ones who've learned that their survival depends upon the good graces of other human beings. Sometimes there's a price on those good graces. I'm sorry to shock you, Jim, I thought you knew.
"A lot of these kids have survived only by whoring. It's part of the rules of the game as far as they're concerned. You can't change the rules on them overnight, because they won't understand what you're trying to do. It cost them too much to learn the rules this way. When you pushed that kid away, you were telling him that he's unlovable."
"That's not true-"
"But that's what he thought, because he doesn't know how to think anything else. Jim, think of this. We're seeing the best of the kids who've survived. What do you think happened to the unattractive ones, the ones who weren't cute enough to whore?" I didn't answer.
Betty-John said it straight out, "Jim, you just told Tommy that he's got to die because you're not going to take care of him."
"But he should know better than that," I protested.
"Should he? He's had three years to learn it the other way. Can you erase that in six weeks?"
"I-I guess not. But I thought. . ."
"You adopted those kids for better or worse. Well, this is part of the worse. He's trying to pay you in the only coin he has. You've got to do one of two things. Either accept this payment, or teach him that there are other ways to pay back the debt. If you can't do the second tonight, and I don't think you can, you'll have to do the first. And spare me the arguments about morality or humanity. Not at this hour-they can all be shot down by the first thing anyone here at Family has to learn. We have to deal with the kids on their terms if we're going to reach them." She stopped for a moment. "Perhaps I owe you an apology for not warning you in advance, but I thought you had the situation under control."
"You knew?"
"Since day one. Birdie had to treat Tommy for the clap. Alec too."
"Alec-?"
"Alec caught it from Tommy. Holly was okay. Whatever kind of freako they were with, he didn't touch her."
I sat down on an icy hassock. "I-I don't know what to do. Or say. Maybe we'd better call this whole thing off."
"Over your dead, still warm and quivering body, you will. I told you there was no backing out."
"I don't want to back out-but damn it, I can't handle this!"
"Yes, you can. I've read your chart. Your sexual identity is skewed all over the map. Your latency threshold is so low-well, never mind. At least you have a sexual identity; that's better than nwst people these days."
"Betty-John," I lowered my voice. I was pleading. "You don't know what I've been through-"
"You're right. I don't know-and I don't care. I only care about the children. Jim, quit wasting my time. I know what's going on with you. You want to do the right thing. Everybody does. Your problem is that you're always worried about what other people will think. Jeezis! You can't possibly realize how annoying that is. Of all your terrible bad habits, that's got to be the worst."
"I'm sorry- "
"And that's the other one. Listen to me, I know you can handle this or I would never have signed your papers. The important thing is that Tommy gets enough loving and nurturing and caring so that he has the raw material out of which to build a real human being. And I don't really care what flavor that nurturing comes in any more, as long as Tommy learns how to be a person in his own right. At least that way he'll still be a whole lot better off than all those walking wounded who are going to have to be taken care of all their lives. You know what to do, so get off your goddamn ass, go in there and parent."
"B-Jay, I hear what you're saying, but I don't know where to begin. I don't know how . . ."
"Yes, you do. I've watched you with the kids, Jim. You treat them like little human beings. Why do you think they love you so much? You're already doing the one thing they need the most. So, forget all this grown-up versus child bullshit; that's one of the ways we alienate ourselves from our own species. Stop thinking of them as property, or even as a great responsibility. Just treat them with the same respect that you would any other person-like you do anyway-and you'll do fine, because that's the only thing they really need from you.
"Go in there and talk to him," she said. "Just talk to him-or better yet, let him talk to you. Let him tell you what he wants and needs. You'll see for yourself what's appropriate. It'll be obvious. Start by admitting that you need someone to hug too and it'll be a lot easier."
She hung up. I know it's impossible to click off an electronic phone angrily, but her closing chime still sounded harsh.
I went back into the bedroom. Tommy was gone.
He wasn't in his bed either, nor in Alec and Holly's. They were curled up together around a freshly stuffed and cleaned (but still amputated) bear.
He wasn't anywhere in the apartment.