Jessie shrugged. Frankenstein grunted, "Everything is a choice. "

"Cute," I said. I was annoyed. "I thought I was worthy of your trust. "

"Jason trusts you," said Jessie. "That's his job. My job is to distrust. I'm in charge of defense. I have to be a skeptic."

My expression must have said what I was thinking, because Jessie added, "I know. It feels wrong. We have so much love in this camp and so much passion for the future that to talk about weapons and defense and killing is a terrible mind-set. It's a long sour step south, and the cost of it is a terrible burden on all of us, Jason included. But the alternative is to put the new gods in jeopardy, and that isn't very good service at all. So, we do what has to be done and we try to forgive ourselves as well as those who would destroy us. It's an unhappy position, Jim; but it's the cost of survival."

I nodded. "You don't need to explain it to me. I've heard the speech before. I've even given it myself. Just drop out the line about the new gods and put in 'The United States' instead."

"Good," said Jessie. "Then you don't need to hear it again." She picked up the other rifle and began to expertly strip it and clean it.

I thought so. She'd lied about that too. I concentrated on cleaning the weapon in my lap and didn't say anything else. Frankenstein slid the magazine across the table to me. I ignored it until I had finished checking every single mechanism in the rifle.

Finally, I picked up the magazine and clicked it solidly back into the gun.

If I wanted to kill them, now would be the time.

Instead, I popped the magazine out again and put both it and the rifle back on the table.

"It's fine," I said. "Only, you'll want to replace the propellant regulator before you try to use it. If you fire it without a propellant regulator, you're running the risk of blowing your head off."

Jessie and Frankenstein exchanged pleased glances. "I told you he was smart."

Frankenstein grunted and tossed me the PR-96-A regulator. It had been in his pocket the whole time. I disassembled the rifle again, clicked the assembly into place and reassembled the weapon.

"I suppose you'd like the access codes now?" I grinned.

"If you don't mind."

Maybe I hesitated. Maybe I didn't. I was betraying a United States secret. I don't remember. I just did it.

"No problem at all," I said. I picked up the gun and set the code keys; I passed it across for both of them to see.

Somewhere in that moment, I made up my mind. These people didn't love me. Not really. Therefore, I would be justified in leaving.

As soon as possible.

They could probably see it on my face. I forced a stupid grin and held it. Not much better than a frown, but it would have to do. I finished the job without saying much else, and after that we went to lunch.

I didn't say much to anyone during lunch, I was still thinking about what I had decided-wondering if that was what I really wanted to do, or if that was just my survival mind reactivating an old channel. Maybe I should talk to Jason about it, but I knew what he would say. "Handle it yourself, Jim. It's your head."

Sure. I wanted to love. I wanted to be loved. These people talked love. They demonstrated love.

But they didn't trust me with a loaded gun.

I always thought trust was the foundation of love. Maybe it wasn't; maybe these people could love without trusting. I couldn't.

But if I left, that would prove that they were right, I wasn't trustworthy. To prove that I was trustworthy, I would have to stay and be trustworthy.

Damn! Everything around here was a paradox. Or a trap. After lunch, Jason pulled me to one side. "Jim, can you spare a moment?"

"Of course."

"Jessie says you're pretty good with the weapons. You've come a long way. She trusts you. I want you to start carrying a gun and do some perimeter patrols with Falstaff."

"I thought the patrols were a Tribal responsibility."

"They are; and you can say no if you want to, because you're still technically a guest. But we're shorthanded and this is a very delicate time. Orrie's teaching the babies. He has to spend a lot of time with them. And we really could use your assistance."

"It's that bad?"

"We found some tire tracks and some footprints. We think someone has been spying on us. That's why we've been keeping the Chtorrans out of sight as much as possible. Jinko and Gregory-Ann are out looking for a new campsite right now. As soon as they find something, and as soon as the babies can travel, we're moving. I just hope it's not too late. We've got to take care of the children too."

"Okay, Jason. When do you want me to start?"

"Ten minutes ago. I should have had you patrolling last week. I'm sorry that we took so long to trust you. Get the keys from Jessie and go get your gun and some ammo.

"You'll find Falstaff at the shady end of the gully. If anybody's going to come up that way, they'll come up the gully; it's the easiest path. Follow it down as far as you can. Probably to the power lines. Watch for footprints or evidence that somebody's been scouting the area. Then I want you to go check out the crest of the hill above the gully; there's an old firebreak that runs along the top that could be used as a road. Check it for tire tracks.

"Now, listen, let Falstaff take the point, and don't let yourself be seen. One worm alone doesn't attract attention. A man with a worm does. Listen to me, Jim, this is imperative. Nobody can know we're here, so I want you to absolutely avoid all contact if you can. If you can't-even if you run into somebody accidentally-you'll have to kill them. I know you; you're going to want to save their lives. Don't. Don't try to enroll anyone; that's my job. Obliterate that alternative. Just take them down quickly and forgive yourself later.

"Don't go into survival mode on this, Jim. Nobody is the enemy; we're all just martyrs to evolution. That's why I want you to stay out of sight, so you don't get put into a situation that'll drive you crazy. I don't want you firing on anybody or anything unless you personally are attacked. Even if somebody attacks Falstaff with a torch, don't go to his aid; it's more important that you come back and warn us. Don't try and be an army. Ray will come up and relieve you just before dinnertime. Got that?"

"I got it. Do you really think there's someone up there?"

"Probably not, but the Chtorrans have been jittery for a week, so let's see if we can find out why."

"Right. Oh, and Jason . . . "

"Yes, Jim?"

"Thank you for this opportunity."

He grinned. It was one of his world-famous, crack-open-the-sky-and-see-the-face-of-God, smiles. "You earned it, Jim."