"The Training is about your relationship with your own life. It's about being able to get out of the water long enough to see the water you're in. You can't see it while you're in it. This is about your natural ability to make great leaps. Most people are stuck underwater, Jim. This is the opportunity to learn how to fly."

"That doesn't tell me a lot."

"I know. The answer is unsatisfactory. If you knew what it was, you wouldn't need to do it to find out. I could explain it to you all day, but you still wouldn't know what it is." He grinned. "Would you rather spread whipped cream all over Lizard's body or would you rather have someone explain to you how to spread whipped cream all over Lizard's body?"

"I see the point," I said. "There's a difference between explanation and experience. We had that one in high school."

"Uh-huh. "

"I, uh, don't think I'm ready for it," I said.

"Of course, you're not. Nobody ever is. Do you want to do it anyway?"

I thought about it. I didn't know what I was saying yes to.

I felt as if there were another gun in my mouth. Live or die?

But . . . I loved Lizard. I would do anything for her. I looked at Lizard. She smiled at me, reassuringly.

I said, "Yes."

"No, that's not good enough." Foreman looked at Lizard. "Not yet, my dear. He's not ready."

She nodded. "I see it too."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're willing to do it for Lizard. But I don't know yet if you're willing to do it for yourself."

For a moment, there was a cool breeze across the top of Diamond Head. It smelled of the sea. I shivered. I said, "You're right. I don't really want to do it."

Foreman nodded. "So, don't. There's no pressure on you."

"Yes, there is-"

He looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

I looked at Lizard. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. But, I'm not completely human any more. There's things that you don't know. Neither of you. I don't feel that I should be trusted."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm deranged. Crazy. Damaged. I don't know where it started. Maybe with the renegades, maybe at Family. Did you know that I pulled the trigger on them?"

Foreman nodded. So did Lizard. He said, "It must have been a tremendously difficult thing to do."

"It was . . . exhilarating. I liked it. And . . ." I started to choke, ". . . I'm horrified at myself."

"Uh-huh."

"I liked them. They were good people. They were. They poured their love over everything and everybody. It was real. They'd even worked out how to live with the Chtorrans. They had an answer. I'm terrified that Delandro might have been right-that they were the future. Their way may be the only way that people can survive on the same planet with the Chtorrans.

"But, see, it's also the wrong answer. It's not acceptable. I'm so confused. I've been confused since the beginning. And it only gets more confusing. The only thing I've been able to hang on to is my rage."

I looked at Lizard. "I love you, but it isn't fair for me to let you love me; you deserve better than me. There are times when I think I know how crazy I really am. And I think I can handle myself. But I can't. I can't handle it any more. It's like that old Solomon Short quote: 'This neurotic pursuit of sanity is driving us all crazy.' "

Foreman started laughing. So did Lizard.

"Huh? What did I say?" I looked from one to the other.

"No, it's all right." Foreman held up a hand. "There's something you don't know. Who do you think Solomon Short is?"

"I never thought about it. Just some cynical old bastard who posts a quote on the network every day."

Lizard giggled. Foreman said, "Cynical, eh? Well, I won't argue with that one; but as far as I know, my parents were married."

"Huh-?" And then it hit me. "You're Solomon Short?"

Foreman grinned. "You don't know the half of it, Jim."

"Well, gosh," I said, because I couldn't think of anything else to say. "Everybody quotes you."

"That's the idea," said Foreman. "I never said I wasn't vain. But we were talking about you, not me. We were talking about The Mode Training."

I looked away from them both. I looked out over the sharp green hills of Hawaii. The colors were so bright here they were almost unreal. I looked back to Foreman. The breeze ruffled through his white hair, making it stand up like a crown. The top of his skull was pink and shiny. Once again, it was a question of trust.

It was always a question of trust.

Finally, I said, "I know what the Training is. I looked it up. It's about self-actualization. It's about being the best that you can be. It's about being truly human. It's the next step. But I can't even manage being me. How can I manage anything more?"

Foreman considered the question. "I don't know either."

"Well . . . what kind of an answer is that?"

"An unsatisfactory one. Do you know that all the answers are unsatisfactory? They always will be. If you're looking for satisfaction, you're looking in the wrong place. The answers are the answers. Period. Whether you like them or not is irrelevant. Satisfaction lives somewhere else."

"So . . . okay, then I can't do it," I said.

"That's right," he agreed. "You're arguing for your limitations. That guarantees your failure." He added, "Too bad."

I stood up. "Maybe we'd better go back then."

"Okay."

"Dammit! Aren't you going to try to convince me?"

"No." His expression was impassive. "Why should I? You're responsible for yourself. You already know that. If you want to keep on thinking you're a failure, that's your choice too."

"That's what Jason said," I snapped.

Foreman nodded. "Maybe Jason was right."

"No, he wasn't! He was wrong! I know it! I don't know how I know it, but I know it."

"So prove it," Foreman said calmly.

I froze. "You're manipulating me," I said softly. He shook his head.

I glowered at him. I wanted to punch his fatuous grinning face. Lizard's too. I felt trapped in a corner.

Foreman was impassive. "Relax, Jim. This is just a picnic. And a talk. We don't have an agreement for anything more. Lizard asked me if you could do the Training; but since you don't want to, you can't. Besides, you've already done it."

"Huh?"

"Delandro was one of my students ten years ago. One of the best. I'm certain that he discovered things about the Chtorrans that are true. I'm certain that everything he told you was the truth as he had experienced it. I'm certain that his Tribe was definitely a context of lovingness, despite whatever judgments any of us might care to add. I may not like the facts, but I'm certain that there is a truth behind what you say, else you-and I and Lizard-would not be so disturbed by it."

"He tried to brainwash me."

"And he must have succeeded. You're still crazy. Sit down." I sat.

He moved closer, so he could reach over and put his hand on mine. "You need to abandon some old concepts, Jim. They're keeping you stuck. Delandro used the technology of The Mode Training to create a specific mode, a context of operation. It worked for his Tribe. They survived. It worked until it stopped working. Somewhere, there was a fatal error. You were merely the expression of that error. Think of it as an experiment that failed. The program crashed. It wasn't viable. But it was one more attempt on the planet to create an operating mode for human beings that guarantees survival in a Chtorran future.

"You've already had the first part of the Training, the experience of transferring from one mode to another. But that's only the smallest part of it. The real training is the creation of operating modes. Call it programming the human machinery."

"I want to do the Training to be deprogrammed," I said.

"There is no deprogramming. All there is, is shifting from the operation of one program to another. A computer that isn't running a program is a dead-and useless-machine.