“Attempted suicide.”

One of my hands flew to my face in shock, and my grip slipped. Dano jammed on the brakes, and before I knew it, I was in Jagger’s lap.

I pulled myself back to a sitting position, inhaled to clear my head and got up-then hurried out the doors without a word.

“Yowza,” Buzz Lightyear said.

Dano grunted at him.

Jagger remained silent, with an indistinguishable look on his face.

And I had to grasp the doorjamb as I watched the young woman in the bed.

She writhed about like a stripper. Had to be only about mid-twenties, dressed in a thin-very thin-white nightie that might as well have been hanging in her closet instead of trying to cover her.

Buzz cleared his throat.

Dano turned to him. “You got this one.”

“She’s nuts,” said a woman who looked as if she might be the patient’s sister, edging into the room.

In spite of the harshness of the comment, I had to agree; although I also thought the patient looked a bit pale. For a second, I figured these three guys could handle this babe and maybe I’d sneak out and get back to TLC to snoop, but then she started grabbing onto the headboard-as if it were a pole.

The three guys took a step forward.

I wasn’t going anywhere.

Buzz asked, “Um, ma’am, can you hear me?”

The girl looked at him with disgust. “Why the hell wouldn’t I be able to?”

“Oh. Good. Great.” Sweat broke out on his forehead and he wiped a finger across it. “So, ma’am, uh,” he looked at the sister.

“Virginia,” her sister said, while ER Dano threw a sheet over the girl.

Buzz nodded. “Ms. Virginia, why are we here today?”

She just about spit the words at him as she kicked at the sheet until it flew off. “I didn’t call you, handsome, but if you wanna f-”

“Virginia!” Her horrified sister said, making the sign of the cross.

I looked around the room. Statues of the Blessed Mother, Jesus and a few others I didn’t recognize-other than they had to be saints-covered the walls. Virginia had to be Catholic. A set of rosary beads hung off the doorknob. Yep. Catholic school too.

Virginia glared at her sister. “So, why the hell are these pseudo docs here, Margaret? You called them…” She started to drift off.

Virginia must have taken a whopping dose of some medication. Despite her maneuvers, she looked semi out of it and her nail beds were cyanotic instead of bright pink. Not enough oxygen in her system.

Buzz diligently opened the supply bag, got out a mask and hooked it up to the oxygen, then tried to put it on Virginia. I’m not sure how it happened, but I blinked and then saw the oxygen mask hanging off of ER Dano’s left ear.

He grabbed it, pushed Buzz to the side and said, “What’d you take, Virginia? And-” he undid the mask from the tubing, took out a nasal cannula from the bag-“I’m not leaving unless you put this on. It’s not confining like the mask. I’ll just stick it into your nostrils.”

She let him but grabbed his arm and said, “You can stick something else into-”

“We’re gonna take you on a little trip to the hospital, Virginia,” Dano interrupted.

Since she didn’t look in any immediate danger, other than mental health-wise, I had to smile.

Virginia wiggled and jiggled in the bed. “Why? Why? Why?”

“Just to make sure you are all right, ma’am,” Buzz interrupted, standing at attention.

Dano turned to him.

“Uhn, sorry.” Buzz kinda faded into the background of the shrine-room.

I felt sorry for him, but intrigued that Jagger stood so silently near the doorway. Was he merely letting them do their job, or was a sexy, gorgeous nut like Virginia hard for him to deal with? Interesting.

Virginia took a tissue from under her pillow and started to wipe her hands. She rubbed at each nail as if taking polish off, although there wasn’t any on. The compulsive behavior continued while Buzz went to get the stretcher, Jagger offered to help him, and ER Dano and I stayed in the room, listening to Virginia, who was now chanting something.

Sounded like a Gypsy Rose Lee stripper tune.

Dano leaned over her. “What’d you take today, Virginia?”

I was amazed at his gentle yet firm tone. Even I would have answered him, I thought as she turned to him.

“La, dee, da,” she said, then stopped. “Vodka.”

“And?”

“What makes you think there’s an ‘and,’ handsome? You are one hot guy, buddy.” She reached up to him, grabbed his tie and pulled him near enough to give him a kiss, but Dano was apparently on the ball at all times. Before she could, he’d taken her hands and firmly released them.

“Let’s keep to ourselves, Virginia. What’d you take with the Vodka?”

“You married, handsome? Kids. Good sex?” she asked.

I found myself leaning forward to hear better, and then caught myself.

“Gin?” Dano asked.

For a few seconds she looked like a child. Her eyes grew watery, her lips pouted and she took a few deep breaths. “He broke up with me. He broke up with me.”

Dano rolled his eyes, but not until after he’d turned his head away. “Yeah, sometimes life sucks. Maybe it’s for the better. Look, kid, no guy, or anyone for that matter, is worth dying for.” He gazed around with a “Where the hell is that stretcher?” look. “So, pills?”

“Pills. Pot.”

“What kinda pills?”

She looked toward the bedside table, which was so crowded with statues that none of us had noticed a prescription bottle hidden amongst them. I walked toward it and lifted it up. “Xanax. Anti-anxiety drug.”

ER looked at me. “No kidding.” He turned back to her. “Whose pills are they?”

I looked at the bottle and saw that the name was scratched off. Dano was one sharp guy. I wished he wasn’t involved in the fraud. We could probably use his help.

Buzz and Jagger appeared at the doorway.

Virginia started to chant in some kind of tongue. Everyone ignored her as they covered her and recovered her each time she threw off the sheet. They got her safely on the stretcher, where she promptly spit out a pill, most likely Xanax, which landed on Buzz Lightyear’s crisp new shirt.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen the kind of horror that was on poor Buzz’s face right then.

Then Virginia said to Buzz, “You look like shit, buddy. You should be down here, not me.”

While she laughed, I felt sorry for Buzz, but Dano shook his head as if that wasn’t the first time a patient had said that to Buzz Lightyear.

Virginia started to chant a Hail Mary.

Now her sister shook her head and looked at me, “We’re Jewish.”

In a sitcom, that would be funny. I merely touched her arm and smiled.

“You drive,” Dano said to Buzz, who beamed with delight, once we were outside.

I knew Buzz just couldn’t wait to turn on the lights and sirens.

“Back for you, Nightingale.” Which meant Jagger was up in front with Buzz.

Jagger looked pissed.

I smiled to myself as we quickly took our places and Buzz drove out of the driveway.

And damn but I didn’t even shift in my seat.