“It’s you, Barry! You little green ball of phlegm! It’s you stopping the drug from taking effect on me.”
“Come now, chief, as if I would.”
“You would and you have. Switch it on, Barry. Switch it on now. Or by crimbo, I’ll winkle you out of my ear with a pencil and boil you up for my lunch.”
“I was only looking out for your best interests, chief. I didn’t want you getting all upset, seeing horrible demons and everything. You wouldn’t like them, chief, they’re really nasty.”
I took a pencil and began to sharpen its point.
“I’m waiting,” said I.
“Chief, please, you really won’t like it.”
“This is a 9H, Barry. Very sharp and pointy. I’ll put a saucepan on the stove, shall I?”
“No, chief. Please. All right.”
“All right,” said Johnny Boy. “So what do you intend to do?”
“I am a relocator,” said Icarus Smith. “That is my vocation.”
“Relocating all the devils and angels might prove a bit of a challenge.”
“Possibly,” said Icarus. “But there might be a way.”
“You cannot be serious, surely?”
“Do I look serious?”
Johnny Boy studied the colours of Icarus. “Yes you do,” said he. “Very serious. And very concerned also. Something is troubling you deeply.”
“Yes,” said Icarus. “It is. With all the nonsense going on with my mad brother and everything, I’d quite forgotten about Cormerant. He’ll be coming after the left luggage locker key. The one I mailed to myself.”
“God. You’re right. We’d better get round to your house.”
“No,” said Icarus. “We’d be too late. But I have another idea.”
“I’ve a really good idea, chief,” said Barry. “Why don’t you just turn off the video and have a slug of Old Bedwetter?”
I rewound the videocassette and played the tape once again.
“But you’ve watched it thirty-seven times, chief. Surely you’ve memorized the plot by now.”
“Look at them, Barry. Just look at them.”
“I can see them, chief. They’re demons, I know.”
“And they’re murdering God and we have it on tape.”
“Yes, chief, so you keep saying.”
“And I couldn’t see them for what they really were.”
“No, chief, not until I let the effects of the drug kick into your tiny tiny brain.”
“Look at them. They’re horrible. Look at all the quills and the scales.”
“Yes, chief, I quite agree, they’re not a pretty sight.”
“But there’s no doubt of what’s really happening. And so I’ve solved the case.”
“Yes, chief, you do keep saying that. Would you care to take me through your reasoning and explain to me exactly how you’ve solved the case?”
“No, Barry, I would not.”
“But, chief, we don’t have any secrets. Well, you don’t from me, anyway.”
“Then read my thoughts, Barry.”
“You won’t let me, chief, you’re blocking me out.”
“Damn right I am. No-one ever finds out how Woodbine solves the case, or even who the villain is, until the final rooftop showdown. That’s the way it’s always done and that’s the way it always will be done.”
“Well, I’m not bothered, chief. You’ll give it away when you go to sleep. You can’t keep me out of your dreams.”
“Then I won’t go to sleep, Barry. I will stay awake for the entire week, until I bring the criminal to justice.”
“No-one can stay awake for a whole week, chief. They’d go mad if they did.”
“Wanna bet? You just watch me.”
“Watch you go mad? I’d rather not.”
“Watch me solve the case. Just watch.”
Icarus and Johnny Boy watched as the long dark automobile drew into the car park opposite the Station Hotel. They watched as the creature that was Cormerant emerged from the automobile and strode to the left luggage lockers. They then watched as he took a key from an envelope which bore the name and address of Icarus Smith, opened one of the lockers and removed a black briefcase.
They did not, however, watch as he returned to the long dark automobile. Nor did they watch as the new chauffeur drove him away.
They did, however, feel the movement of the car.
Because they were now both in the boot.
“It’s really quite comfortable in here,” said Johnny Boy. “Better than being in the boot of that taxi.”
“I’ve known better places to be,” said Icarus. “But this seems the best way to get back inside the Ministry of Serendipity.”
“I’d like to see the look on that Cormerant’s face when he opens the briefcase,” said Johnny Boy. “He’ll be well peeved when he finds it empty.”
“It seemed the only solution. I couldn’t get to my house in time. And as we were opposite the station, it was only a matter of crossing the road and opening the locker up.”
“You’re pretty nifty with your little roll of instruments. What exactly do you plan to do when we get back inside the Ministry?”
“Learn,” said Icarus. “Learn exactly what is really going on. And then act upon that information.”
“I’m not keen to go back in there. I don’t want my little head getting squeezed by that harpy Philomena.”
“I told you, you didn’t have to come.”
“I’ll stick with you,” said Johnny Boy. “It may not be safe. But at least it’s never dull.”
“Dull,” said I, flicking channels with the old remote control.
“What exactly are you doing, chief?”
“Just watching a bit of TV. Isn’t daytime telly really dull?”
“Richard and Judy are never dull, chief. They never cease to inspire me. And there’s always Countdown of course. That Carol Vorderman’s a lovely-looking woman.”
“Oh yeah, right.” I flicked the channel and up came Carol, quills and scales and all.
“Well, who’d have thought that, chief, eh? Our lovely Carol in league with the devil.”
“Who’d have thought it, indeed.”
“But come on, chief, you can’t sit here all day watching TV.”
“Just unwinding, Barry. Why don’t you take a little nap if you’re bored?”
“Well, I wouldn’t mind, chief, thanks.”
“You just take a nap then and I’ll wake you up later when we go out.”
“Are we going somewhere nice?”
“Oh yeah,” I said, “real nice. We’re going up west to a bar where all the swells get together.”
“Smart, chief. I’ll bet you’ll cut a real dash in your old tweed jacket.”
A knock came at my office door.
“Enter,” said I with more élan than a Lotus.
A guy entered carrying a large cardboard box. “Delivery for Mr Woodchip wallpaper,” he said. “Python skin trenchcoat and fedora.”
“I’ll just take a nap then, chief.”
“I’ll wake you later,” said I.
Somewhat later, though only a bit, the long dark automobile cruised out of the secret underground tunnel and into the secret underground establishment known as the Ministry of Serendipity. Icarus and Johnny Boy heard the car’s doors open and then slam shut. They also heard the voice of the evil Cormerant. And a very grumpy voice it was.
“I think he’s opened the briefcase,” said Johnny Boy. “I wouldn’t want to be us, the next time we meet him.”
Icarus shushed the small man into silence. They waited until the sounds of cursing had died away and then Icarus raised the lid of the boot.
“Come on,” he said. “Let’s go.”
They crept through the underground cathedral of a place, marvelling anew at all they saw. Especially all those barber’s chairs. Those thousands and thousands of barber’s chairs.
“Shouldn’t there be workers everywhere?” asked Johnny Boy.
“What, in orange jumpsuits and hard hats, like at the supervillain’s HQ in a James Bond movie?”
“Something like that. Have you ever wondered where the supervillains get their workers from? Do you think they advertise in the newspaper? You know, Supervillain seeking world domination also seeks skilled manual workers to help construct nuclear missile silo in defunct volcano. Apply box 666.”