Will made a very thoughtful face beneath his muffler. “Maybe he’s an alien,” said Will. “Like Mr Merrick.”

“Well,” said Tim. “Mr Merrick certainly did have a few sprouty bits about himself, but I don’t think it’s very likely, do you?”

“It’s as likely as your theory. Barry originally told me that he was a genetically engineered time sprout from a planet called Phnaargos.”

“I was winding you up, chief,” said Barry. “You’re beaten and you know it. I’m the real McCoy. I’m one of God’s little helpers. And I have the Big Figure’s interests at heart. I know He’s been a bit lax with managing this planet. His well-known hands-off approach to Godship. He leaves it to fellows like me to be the voice-of-the-conscience and try to keep folk on the straight and narrow. But I don’t want Him to pop his almighty clogs. I’d be out of a job, for one thing. I’d have to defect to the other side, or they’d see to it that I got mulched into the Great Compost Heap in the Sky.”

“I need to think about this,” said Will.

“You need to act,” said Tim, “not think. Do your stuff. Get the job jobbed. Save the future. Save God. I reckon you’d earn yourself some big kudos with God if you pull this off. If you were to die in the process of pulling this off, I reckon there’d be a lot of jolly awaiting you in heaven.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?”

“There’s no pleasing some people,” said Barry.

“There’s no pleasing some people,” said Tim.

“All right!” said Will. “Stop. Stop, the both of you.”

“The both of you?” The big bargee peered down at Will. “It’s you again, ain’t it?”

Will looked up at the big bargee. And then Will groaned. “You don’t know me,” he said.

“I do, mister. I recognised your voice. And I recognise this bloke with you, your defence counsel, the one who took the hostages. Take off that muffler, let’s ’ave a look at your mug.”

“I’ve got a skin disease,” said Will. “You wouldn’t want to see my face.”

Tim looked up at the big bargee, the big bruised-looking bargee, the big bruised-looking bargee that had been in the Brentford courtroom.

“Show me your face.” The big bargee dug into his sailcloth trousers and brought out a copy of the morning’s Brentford Mercury. “It’s you, mister. And there’s a thousand quid reward on your ’ead.”

“Please go away,” said Will. “I don’t have time for this. Consider yourself to be a running gag that’s run its course and have it away upon your toes.”

“Is it him?” asked the lady in the straw hat.

“I’m taking care of this,” said the big bargee.

“There’s a ten thousand pound reward for his capture,” said the lady in the straw hat.

“It’s one thousand quid,” said the big bargee. “It’s in the paper.”

And he flashed his paper.

“It’s ten thousand,” said the lady in the straw hat. And she drew from her handbag her newspaper and flourished it at the big bargee. Her newspaper was a copy of The Times, a late-afternoon edition. It had upon its front page a picture of Colonel William Starling, Britain’s Most Wanted Man. He had a ten thousand pound reward upon his head.

“Muffler,” said the big bargee.

“No,” said Will.

“I’m warning you, mister.” The big bargee placed his paper on Will’s table and raised his fists in a threatening manner.

Will rose carefully to his feet.

“Easy,” whispered Tim. “We don’t want to cause a scene, now do we?”

Will slowly removed his muffler.

“Oh dear,” said Tim.

“Gotcha,” said the big bargee.

But Will shook his head. “Do you recall what happened to you the last time we met?” he asked. “Do you not recall the battering I gave you?”

The big bargee sniffed through his broken nose.

“Do you really want some more?” Will asked.

The big bargee stroked his grazed chin with a bruised knuckle. “There’s a one thousand quid reward on you,” he said.

“Ten thousand,” said the lady in the straw hat.

“My friend and I are leaving now,” said Will. “If you attempt to stop us—”

“I’ll shoot you,” said Tim and he drew out his pistol.

“Fair enough,” said Will. “That will save me the effort.”

“But—” went the big bargee. “But—”

“I’m sorry,” said Will. “But I have to go. I’m off to save God and the future.”

35

“Bravo, chief,” said Barry, when he, Will and Tim were several streets away from the Golden Rivet and walking unfollowed. “I think you handled that very well. And I’m glad that at last you’ve come around to doing the right thing.”

“Tim,” said Will, “down here”. And Will steered Tim into an alleyway. “I am just going to have a few words with Barry. Keep a look out for trouble, will you?”

“Will do,” said Tim.

Will walked a few paces further. “All right,” he said to Barry. “I will get the job jobbed, but I’ll do it my way. Take me to the future so that I can get myself an arsenal of formidable hardware, then convey me to the exact time and place when these witches will be casting their spells or whatever they do to change the future. Then I’ll blast the lot of them and we can all go home to bed. Or whatever.”

“Ah, chief,” said Barry.

“Ah, Barry?” said Will.

“No can do,” said Barry. “Not the last bit anyway. That would be cheating. That would be like Divine Intervention. That’s not in my remit. I can’t do that. I can advise you, if you’ll take my advice, which you haven’t done so far. But I can’t actually put you in the right time and the right place. Until you know what the right time and the right place is. You have to find that out by yourself. Sorry.”

“That is exactly what I thought you’d say.”

“Sorry, chief.”

“Then do something else for me.”

Tim turned. “The coast is clear,” said he. And, “Oh my – God, who are you?”

“It’s me, Tim.”

“You? Who you?”

“It’s Will,” said Will.

“No it’s not.”

“It is.” Will grinned at Tim. And Tim recognised the grin. But he didn’t recognise much else. Will had changed – dramatically. He was—

“Older,” said Tim. “You’re older. You’re old.”

“I’m not old,” said Will. “I’m six months older. I’ve been in the future for six months, growing this beard and getting myself all prepared.”

Tim, peered hard at this slightly older Will. “What exactly have you been up to?” he asked.

“I’ve been to the future,” said Will. “The other future. Not our future. I had to persuade Barry to take me, he didn’t want to do it. But I did persuade him and it is a good future. In fact, it’s an incredible future, apart from the worshipping of Hugo Rune that goes on there. We’ll have to put a stop to that. But I stayed there for six months. Grew the beard.” Will stroked at his long blondy beard. “And the hair.” Will stroked at this also.

“It’s a better beard than mine,” said Tim. “And your hair’s longer.”

“They have very advanced cosmetics in the other future. Their shampoos enhance hair growth. There’s no more baldness. You see, I couldn’t do anything here if I’m on the Most Wanted list. I had to change my appearance. And I had to learn too, all about those witches, and do research and train my body.” Will raised his right arm. “Feel the muscles,” he said. “They have very effective steroids in that future. You can just buy them over the counter.”

Tim felt the muscles. “Big muscles,” he said. “I don’t know whether I think they suit you.”

“I like them. I had to prepare myself for the getting of the job jobbed. I’m all prepared now.”

“I like the get-up,” said Tim.

Will was dressed in a ground-length coat of black leather, white lacy silk shirt, black leather waistcoat, black leather trousers, black leather boots. Well, if you are going to be a hero and save the world, you really have to do it dressed in black leather.