At the worst she had murdered him.
In the three weeks that followed the inquest, the dinners Erich ate with her fell into a pattern. He never spoke directly to her, only to the girls. He would say, “Ask Mommy to pass the rolls, Tinker Bell.” His tone was always warm and affectionate. It would have taken sensitive ears to pick up the tension between them.
When she put the girls to bed, she never knew whether she would find him still in the house when she came downstairs. She wondered where he went. To the cabin? To the home of friends? She dared not ask. If he did sleep in the house, it was in the rear bedroom that his father had used for so many years.
There was no one she could talk to. Something told her that he would get over it. There were times she caught him looking at her with such tenderness in his face that she had to restrain herself from putting her arms around him, begging him to believe in her.
Quietly she mourned the waste of Kevin’s life. He could have accomplished so much; he had been so talented. If only he had disciplined himself, stayed away from involvements with women, drunk less.
But how did her coat get in the car?
One night she came downstairs to find Erich sipping coffee at the kitchen table.
“Jenny,” he said, “we have to talk.”
Not sure whether the emotion she felt was relief or anxiety, she sat down. After the girls were settled, she’d showered and put on her nightgown and the robe Nana had given her. She watched as Erich studied her.
“That red is perfect against your hair. Dark cloud on scarlet. Symbolic, isn’t it? Like dark secrets in a scarlet woman. Is that why you wear it?”
So this was to be the “talk.” “I put it on because I was cold,” Jenny said.
“It’s very becoming. Maybe you’re expecting someone?”
Odd, she thought, in the midst of all this I can still feel sorry for him. What had been worse for him, she wondered suddenly, Caroline’s death or the fact that Caroline had been planning to leave him?
“I’m not expecting anyone, Erich. If you think I am, why not stay with me every night and reassure yourself?” She knew she should be outraged and furious but there was no emotion left in her except pity for him. He looked so troubled, so vulnerable. Always when he was upset he seemed younger, almost boyish.
“Erich, I’m so sorry about all this. I know people are gossiping and how distressing this must be for you. I don’t have any logical explanation for what happened.”
“Your coat.”
“I don’t know how it got in that car.”
“You expect me to believe that.”
“I would believe you.”
“Jenny, I want to believe you and I can’t. But I do believe this. If you agreed to let MacPartland come here, maybe you did want to warn him to stay away from us. I can accept that. But I can’t live with the lie. Admit you invited him down here and I’ll put this behind us. I can see how it happened. You didn’t want to bring him in the house so you had him drive to the dead end at the riverbank. You warned him and you had your key in your hand. Maybe he made a pass at you. Did you struggle? You slid out of your coat and got out of the car. Maybe when he went to reverse he went forward. Jenny, it’s understandable. But say so. Just don’t look at me with those wide, innocent eyes. Don’t look thin and wan like some kind of wounded victim. Admit you’re a liar and I promise I’ll never mention this again. We love each other so much. It’s still there, all that love.”
At least he was being totally honest. She felt as though she were sitting on a mountain looking down into a valley, observing what was going on, a disinterested spectator.
“It would almost be easier to do what you wanted,” she observed. “But it’s funny; we’re all the sum total of our lives. Nana despised liars. She was contemptuous of even the social life. ‘Jenny,’ she used to say, ‘don’t evade. If you don’t want to go on a date with someone just say no thank you, not that you have a headache or have to do math homework. Truth serves everyone best.’”
“We’re not talking about math homework,” Erich said.
“I’m going to bed, Erich,” she said. “Good night.” There was no point in continuing like this.
Such a short time ago they’d gone upstairs arms around each other. To think she’d objected to wearing the aqua nightgown. It was so unimportant in retrospect.
Erich did not answer her even though she went up the stairs slowly, giving him the chance to respond.
She dropped off to sleep quickly, the exhaustion weighing her down, forcing her into weary dreams. She slept restlessly, always just under the conscious level, aware of herself moving around the bed. She was dreaming again; this time she was in the car, struggling with Kevin; he wanted the key…
Then she was in the woods, walking in them, searching. She flung up her arm to push away the nearness of the trees and touched flesh.
Her fingers felt the outline of a forehead, the soft membrane of an eyelid. Long hair brushed her cheek.
Biting her lips over the scream that tried to escape her throat, she bolted up and fumbled for the night-table light. She snapped it on and looked around wildly. There was no one there. She was alone in bed, in the room.
She sank back on the pillows, her body trembling helplessly. Even her facial muscles were twitching.
I’m going crazy, she thought. I’m losing my mind. For the rest of the night, she did not turn off the light and the first rays of dawn were filtering through the drawn shades before she finally fell asleep.
23
Jenny awoke to bright sunlight and instantly remembered what had happened. A bad dream, she thought, a nightmare. Embarrassed, she snapped off the table lamp and got out of bed.
The weather was finally breaking. She stood at the window looking out at the woods. The trees were a mass of opening buds. From the chicken house she heard the strident crowing of the largest roosters. Opening the windows, she listened to the sounds of the farm, smiled as she heard the new calves bawling for their mothers.
Of course it had been a nightmare. Even so the vivid memory made her perspire, a cold, clammy sweat. It had seemed so real, the feeling of touching a face. Could she be hallucinating?
And the dream about being in the car with Kevin, struggling with him. Could she have phoned Kevin? She’d been so upset that day thinking about what Erich said at the birthday dinner, realizing that Kevin could destroy her marriage. Could she have forgotten that she called Kevin and asked to see him?
The concussion from the accident. The doctor had warned her to take any future headaches seriously.
She’d been having headaches.
She showered, tied her hair in a knot at the top of her head, pulled on jeans and a heavy wool sweater. The girls weren’t awake yet. Maybe if she was very calm, she’d be able to eat some breakfast. She must have lost ten pounds in these three months. It was bound to be bad for the baby.
Just as she put the kettle on, she saw Rooney’s head bob past the window. This time Rooney knocked.
Rooney’s eyes were clear, her face composed. “I had to see you.”
“Sit down, Rooney. Coffee or tea?”
“Jenny!” Today Rooney had none of the vagueness. “I’ve hurt you but I’ll try to make amends.”
“How could you hurt me?”
Rooney’s eyes filled with tears. “I’ve been feeling so much better with you here. A young, pretty girl to talk to, teaching you to sew. It’s made me so happy. And I didn’t blame you a bit for meeting him. Krueger men aren’t easy to live with. Caroline found that out. So I understand. And I never was going to talk about it, not ever.”
“Talk about what? Rooney, there can’t be anything to be so upset about.”
“There is, oh, Jenny, there is. Last night I got one of my spells. You know I just keep talking but this time I told Clyde how I came to show you the blue corduroy that Monday night after Caroline’s anniversary to see if you liked the color. It was late. Near ten o’clock. But being it was so near the anniversary I was restless. And I thought I’d just look and see if your light was on in the kitchen. And you were just getting in the white car. I saw you get in. I saw you drive away with him down the road to the riverbank but I swear, Jenny, I never planned to tell. I couldn’t hurt you.”