"Magic, Prentice," Aline replied in fluent Glaswegian.

"Have some skoosh," Ash said as I sat down next to her. She reached between her and Aline and handed me a half-finished bottle of Irn-Bru. I had, over the course of the morning, already gulped down about a gallon of teeth-achingly cold stream-water at various points up in the hills, but the traditional Scottish hangover treatment was probably just what I needed. I took a couple of mouthfuls, handed the bottle back, wiping my lips.

"You look terrible," Ash said.

"Feel worse," I said glumly, watching the water cascade down the concrete stair-case of the spillway.

"Lost track of you at the Urvills" party, Prentice," Ashley said. "You just slope off, or did you get a lumber?"

"Oh God," I moaned, and lowered my head to the cool steel pipe of the bridge rail.

«Hey…» Ash said gently, putting her hand on my head and patting me. "There there, Prentice ma man. What's the matter?"

"Oh, nothing much," I sighed, slowly raising my head again and gazing at the water. "I saw the woman I love wrap herself round my older, smarter and wittier brother like clingfilm round a sandwich, and it looks like they're enjoying each other the way… Oh, God, I'm so pissed off I can't even think of a decent comparison. Or even an indecent one, which would probably — certainly — be more to the point."

"Part from that; everything okay, aye?" Ash said, putting her arm round my shoulders.

"Help me, Ashley," I said, closing my eyes and putting my head on her shoulder. "What am I to do?"

"You must think of her on the toilet," Aline said, and giggled.

"Off-white woman speak truth," Ash said, lowering her head to rest it on mine. "The hots rarely survive an intense course of imagining the beloved on the cludgie."

"No," I sighed, opening my eyes as a series of splashes announced another chaotic event on the spillway. "I'd probably only develop a fetish for coprophagy."

"Pardon?"

"That as unpleasant as it sounds?"

"Unpleasanter."

"Merde!"

"Yup."

"You're a hopeless case, Prentice, so you are. Have you contemplated suicide?"

"Yeah; soon as it's finished, I'm going to throw myself off the Channel Tunnel."

Ashley's shoulders moved once under my head. "Plenty of time to set your affairs in order, then."

"It's not my affairs I'm concerned with."

"Ach, she wasn't your sort, anyway, Prentice."

"What; you mean not good enough for me?"

"No, Prentice; I mean too much taste. You never stood a chance with a woman that choosy."

I pulled away and looked dubiously at Ashley, who smiled sweetly. "What is this?" I said. "You auditioning for the Exit chapter of the Samaritans, or what?"

Ashley took my hands in hers. "Ah, Prentice. Dinnae worry; maybe it's just an infatuation; hers, or Lewis's… or yours. Whatever. Maybe she'll come to her senses. Maybe she wants to work her way through all the McHoan brothers in order of age —»

"Or weight."

" — or weight. Maybe she'll get married to Lewis but have a life-long affair with you."

"Oh, great."

"See? You don't know what might happen," Ashley said happily, spreading her hands.

"Anyway, Prentice," Aline said in her sing-song voice. "There are plenty more fishes in the sea, yes?"

I looked over at Aline. "Hey, can I quote you on that?"

Aline winked at me, tapped the side of her nose. "The toilet," said conspiratorially.

I started to get up. "It's no good," I sighed. "You two are cheering me up too much and I can't stand the excitement." I got wearily my feet, muscles aching from the effects of drink and walk.

"See you down the Jac tonight?" Ash said.

"Maybe," I said. "I keep trying to drown my sorrows but they appear to be marginally more buoyant than expanded polystyrene." The water cascaded down the face of the spillway again, the noise like a million stamping feet heard from a long way off. I shrugged. "Fuck it, though; worth another try. Gotta start working some time"

"That's my boy."

"See you, gals."

"Bye-bye, Prentice."

"Try not to fall in love with anybody else before tonight."

"Yo."

An hour or so later I saw my mother's green Metro, just about to turn out of the drive-way of Hamish and Tone's house. She stopped when she saw me, wound the window down. "Here you are," she said.

"Here I am," I agreed.

"I was waiting for ages there." She glanced at her watch. "Oh well. Getting in?"

I got into the car; we started to reverse the fifty yards back up the drive. Actually, my legs were so tired I was quite grateful for the lift. "I brought what I could find of Rory's stuff." Mum nodded. "Your dad thinks there's more, but it's buried in the filing." I looked at the back seat, where a folder lay. "Not that you deserve it," she added.

"Oh, thanks," I said. I picked the folder up; CRII said the lettering on the spine. It looked similar to the folder I already had, but perhaps a little thicker. I vaguely remembered reminding mum last night that I was looking for the rest of Uncle Rory's papers.

"Well?" she said.

I looked over, yawning. "Well?" I repeated.

We drew to a stop outside the door of the house. "You don't remember last night, do you?" mum said, turning the ignition off. She was dressed in angora'and chunky cords; new perfume. She looked slightly unamused and not a little worried.

"Not… in its entirety, no," I confessed.

She shook her head. "God, you were drunk, Prentice."

"Umm," I said, weighing the folder in my hands."… Yes." I smiled my best "but I'm still your wee laddy" smile.

She raised those delicate brown brows. "My God, you don't remember embarrassing Lewis and Verity last night, do you?"

I looked at her.

"I mean, apart from embarrassing your father and me," she added.

I felt the blood draining from my face like somebody had opened a valve in my ankle. Oh-oh.

I swallowed. "I wasn't doing my impression of the Bradford City supporter, the King's Cross Disaster victim and the guy from Piper Alpha meeting up in Hell, was I?" (Requires three cigarettes; offends everybody.)

"It's not funny, Prentice; poor Verity was nearly in tears. You're lucky Lewis didn't throttle you."

"Oh my God," I said, feeling cold. "What did I say?"

(Duck, and cover.)

"Told her — told everybody — you were madly in love with her!" she said, eyes flashing. "Then, having declared undying worship of the poor girl, you proceeded to slag her off for taking up with Lewis." Mum shook her head angrily, tears in her eyes. "Prentice! What were you thinking of?"

"Oh my God," I moaned. KYAG. I put the folder down in my lap and put my forehead on the folder.

"Then you followed that up with some fairly off-colour remarks about Lapland, and what you referred to, I believe, as 'the old earth-moving equipment'."

"Oh my God."

"And I think we all successfully worked out what 'doing the Delta Foxtrot' was, as well, before you became totally incoherent."

"Oh my God!"

"I don't think saying 'Oh my God' will make it any better, Prentice. I think you should apologise to Verity and Lewis as soon as you can. They're up at the castle." My mother brought her voice under control with an effort. Though you might also think about saying sorry to Hamish and Antonia, too, as you were their guest and it was their party you brought grinding to an embarrassing halt. Just as well you agreed to go quietly when Kenneth suggested it was time you went to bed; though apparently he and Hamish practically had to carry you upstairs, and the whole way up you were muttering something vile about Lewis being thrown naked into a tub of starving Elephant Leeches."

And dad put me to bed! Oh no! Dad and the Tree! The shame of it!

"Mum, I want to die," I mumbled into the folder.