I stared, shocked, into his furious, livid face.  My cheek burned, like some fleshly mirror of his rage.  I was aware of my grandmother standing quickly at my side, shouting something, but gradually the view narrowed down to my Grandfather's enraged face while everything else seemed to darken and evaporate away at the edges, until even the angry crimson of Salvador's face appeared to go grey, and the various voices I could hear dissolved into their own audible greyness, roaring incoherently like a waterfall.

I felt hands on my shoulders and then the firm wood of the seat beneath me.  I shook my head, feeling as if I was underwater and everything was happening very slowly.

'-the hell gives you the right- ?'

'-mine; my flesh and blood!'

'Salvador…'

'Yeah, she's mine too, so fuckin' what?'

'She doesn't belong to you!  She is ours! You don't understand what she's-'

'Ah, you always were a goddamn bully!'

'Grandmother, if you-'

'And you always were a bloody interferer, woman!  Look at the way you've got her dressed, like some city hoor!'

'Salvador…'

'What?  Hell, you got no right to talk about whores, you old fraud!'

'WHAT?'

'Grandmother, if you could please-'

'What did you- ?'

'Stop it!  Stop it stop it stop it!' I shouted, struggling to my feet and having to hold onto the front of the desk to stop myself falling.  I turned to Grandfather, involuntarily putting my hand to my cheek. 'Why did you do that?  What have I done?'

'By God!' Salvador bellowed.  'I'll-' He stepped forward, raising his hand, but Erin held it while Yolanda stepped in between us.

'What have I done?' I shouted, almost screaming.

Salvador roared and lunged forward, reaching and picking up the cap from the zhlonjiz jar. 'This is what you've done, ye stupid wee bitch!' He flourished the fragment of cap in my face, then threw it at my feet and pushed past me and Yolanda.  He stopped at the doors and pointed back at us. 'You've no right being here,' he told Yolanda.

'Well, fuck you,' Grandmother said in a reasonable voice.

'And you,' he said, pointing at me. 'You can dress properly and think about coming on your knees as a penitent, if you can find some excuse for your treachery!' He walked out.  I caught a glimpse of Sister Jess in the hall outside, then the door slammed shut, the noise echoing round the wood panelling of the room.

I turned to Yolanda, then Erin and then Allan, tears welling up in my eyes. 'What is all this?' I said, trying not to wail but failing.

Erin sighed, stooped and picked up the cap of the zhlonjiz vial.  She shook her head. 'Why did you do it, Isis?' she asked.

'What?' I said. 'Take the zhlonjiz?'

'Yes!' Erin said, tears in her eyes now.

'That's what it was there for!' I exclaimed. 'I thought that's what I was supposed to do with it!'

'Oh, Isis,' Allan said heavily, and sat down in his chair.

'Did you think you heard God tell you to?' Erin said, as though confused.

'No,' I said. 'It was my decision.'

'Then why?'  Erin implored.

'Because it seemed like the right thing to do.  What else was I supposed -?'

'But that wasn't up to you to decide!'

'Why not?  Who on earth could I ask?  Zeb?'

'Zeb?' Erin looked confused. 'No; your Grandfather, of course!'

'How was I supposed to ask him?' I yelled, simply not understanding what she was talking about.

'Hey,' Yolanda began.  'I think you two are-'

'What do you mean, how?' Erin shouted. 'To his face, of course!'

'I was in London; how could I- ?'

'London?' Erin said. 'What are you talking about?'

'I'm talking,' I said, slowing and trying to keep my temper, 'about taking the zhlonjiz in London.  How was I supposed to-?'

'Well I'm talking about taking it from here,' Erin said. 'How could you?  How could you just take it?  How could you steal it from us?'

'… ah,' I heard Allan say.

'Jeez,' Yolanda said, shaking her head and sitting on the edge of the desk.

'I-' I began, then stopped. 'What?' I asked. 'Steal?  What are you talking about?'

'Isis,' Erin said.  A wisp of greying brown hair had dissociated itself from her bun; she blew it away with the side of her mouth. 'What we all want to know,' she said, glancing at Allan, who nodded wearily, 'is why you took the zhlonjiz in the first place.'

I stared at her for a moment, and it was as though the floor beneath me tipped somehow; I thought the room itself, the mansion house and whole Community suddenly creaked and leaned to one side; my legs almost buckled and I had to hold onto the edge of the desk again.  I felt Grandma Yolanda's hand on my arm, steadying me.

'I didn't take it,' I said.  The note.  I had lost the note. 'I didn't take it,' I repeated, shaking my head, feeling the blood leave my face as I looked from Erin to Allan and then to Yolanda. 'I was given it.  It was in my bag.  My kit-bag.  I found it.  In there.  I found it.  Really…'

I sat down again, my legs wobbly.

'Oh dear,' Allan said, running fingers through his hair.

Erin put her hand over her eyes, shaking her head. 'Isis, Isis,' she said, looking away.

'What is this stuff?' Yolanda said. 'This one of Salvador's holy ointments?'

'It's the holy ointment,' Allan said, sounding tired.  He looked at Yolanda for a moment then gave a shrug. 'What it actually does…' he said awkwardly. '… I mean, it's very old… it's probably… The point is,' he said, leaning forward over the desk, 'Grandfather believes… he regards… he knows, in his own heart, that it is… effective.' Allan glanced at me.  He hit his chest with his fist.  'In here, Salvador knows that it works.  We respect that.' He glanced at me. 'We all respect that.'

'I didn't take it,' I said. 'It was in my bag.  I found it.  There was a note.'

'What?' Erin said.  Allan just closed his eyes.

'A note,' I said. 'A note from Salvador.'

'A note?' Erin said.  I could see the disbelief in her eyes, hear it in her voice.

'Yes,' I said. 'Well… it was signed with an "S".'

Allan and Erin exchanged looks. 'What did this note say?' Erin sighed.

'It just said, "In case you need it",' I told them. 'Then an "S".'

They exchanged looks again. 'It did!' I said. 'I think.  Something like that.  I think those were the words… or it was, "Just in case, S." Something… something similar…'

'Do you have this note?' Erin asked.

I shook my head. 'No,' I admitted. 'No.  It disappeared.  I think the police-'

'Don't, Isis,' Erin said, shaking her head and walking away with her hand over her eyes again. 'Don't.  Please don't do this.  Don't make it worse…'

Allan muttered something and shook his head.

'But it's true!' I said, looking from Erin to Yolanda, who patted my hand.

'I know, I know, honey; I believe you.'

'Isis,' Erin said, coming back over to me and taking one of my hands in hers. 'I really think you'd be better off just admitting you took the-'

'Look,' Yolanda said, 'if she says she didn't take the goddamn ointment, she didn't, okay?'

'Sister Yolanda,-'

'And I ain't your goddamn sister.'

'Isis,' Erin said earnestly, turning from my grandmother to me and taking both my hands in hers. 'Don't do this.  Your Grandfather's terribly upset.  If you just confess-'

'What, are you fucking Catholics now?'

'Isis!' Erin said, ignoring my grandmother.  I had looked at Yolanda and now Erin jerked my hands, turning me back to her. 'Isis; make a clean breast of it; just say you took it on impulse; say you thought it was something else; say you-'

'But none of that's true!' I protested. 'I found the vial in my bag, with a note tied to it.  Well, not tied to it; it was a rubber band-'