“I’ve tried them all. Jazz-Kwon-Do. Swimmerobics. Tramp-O-Chi-that’s tai chi on a trampoline, not with tramps, which would be gross. The local gym has a Spankercize class, but I don’t think I want my personal trainer whacking my ass.”

“Might be fun.”

“Depends on the spanker,” Sam says, winking.

The clerk comes by, and they request two pairs of Enrique’s finest, in the same size. This naturally provokes a squeal of delight from Sam. How nice it must be to get excited over such trivial things. Half an hour ago, she practically died of plea sure because the mall sound system played a Muzak version of Nirvana.

“So where to next? We hit all boutiques in the mall. There’s a Boston Store. I think they have a sale going on.”

“I’m starving,” Alex says. “How about food?”

“I know this groovy little Thai place. They’ve got this green curry to die for. I love spicy foods. They make me hot.”

Alex smiles her half smile. “Then we have to try it. Can you drive?”

“Sure!”

Sam takes Alex’s arm, and they walk out of the mall, Sam yapping and giggling, Alex genuinely amused by this woman’s spirit and enthusiasm. The enthusiasm is dampened somewhat when they get to Sam’s car.

A Prius.

“It gets sixty miles per gallon. It’s so green. I’m all about the planet. People are destroying the earth. We all need to conserve, or there won’t be enough left for everyone.”

“Or we could just kill a lot of people.”

Sam raises an eyebrow at Alex, then begins to laugh.

“God, you’re so funny! I thought you were serious!”

Alex lets out a few chuckles, hoping they don’t sound as forced as they feel. When they’re in the car, Alex touches Sam’s arm.

“Samantha, I’m having a good time, and I don’t want to be reading you wrong. But you do like girls, right?”

“You mean sexually?”

Alex nods.

“Sure! I’m totally bi. I mean, guys are great, but most of them are really impatient, you know what I mean? Women know how to take their time. Don’t you think?”

Alex nods, but the truth is, she’s feeling pretty impatient right now too.

After dinner, she tells herself.

They hold hands as Sam pulls out of the parking lot.

CHAPTER 43

AFTER THREE HOURS of sitting next to a cornfield, hiding every time a police car cruised by, I was almost grateful when the Crimebago pulled up.

Almost.

Harry parked alongside the street, and I entered cautiously, wincing at the noxious odor when I stepped inside. It smelled like Mighty Joe Young had run a marathon and then taken a bath in his own feces.

McGlade was standing next to the sofa, arms folded, frowning. I noticed Slappy’s cage was empty.

“Did you get rid of the macaque?” I asked, hopeful.

“No. He kept screaming and hitting himself in the face, so I let him out until he calmed down. Not my brightest idea.”

“Where is he?” I asked, casting ner vous rapid-fire glances around the RV.

“In the corner there. He learned a new trick.”

Slappy was propped against the wall, upside-down with his legs over his head. He was urinating, again, but this time he managed to catch most of it in his open mouth.

“That is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen.”

“It gets worse,” McGlade said. “When he’s all done, he tries to spit it on you.”

Slappy began to make a gargling sound. For the first time ever, my cat Mr. Friskers didn’t seem so bad.

“Did you call Al’s Exotic Pets?”

“Al said all sales are final. Can’t really blame him.”

“Would he trade for anything else? Like maybe some feeder minnows? Or a chew toy?”

“No. But he offered to euthanize Slappy for fifty bucks.” Slappy puffed out his cheeks and spit a stream of urine toward us. We jumped away. “I’m thinking about it.”

“Don’t you dare, Harry. You just need to take some time and train him.”

“I tried. I don’t think he likes me.”

“What’s not to like?” I did my best to say it without sounding sarcastic.

“He might be mad because of the stick. When he was in his cage, I kept showing him a picture of Alex, and then poking him with a stick. You know, so if he ever saw her, he’d attack. But he seems to be holding a grudge. See?”

Harry took a step toward his monkey. Slappy opened his mouth, baring yellow fangs, snarling like a pit bull.

“Maybe you should stop poking him with the stick,” I said.

“No shit.”

Keeping one eye on the primate, I walked to the sofa and sat down. I stood up again immediately, my butt damp.

“There’s something wet on your couch.”

Harry nodded. “Do yourself a favor and don’t try to smell it. It’s better to lie to yourself and pretend it’s ginger ale.”

“Did you spill ginger ale?”

“No. That’s piss, shit, or monkey spooge.”

I made a face.

“Might also be some combination of the three,” Harry added. “Or vomit. Could be vomit.”

I let out a slow breath and wondered how I’d get the ginger ale stain out.

Slappy made a screeching sound that eerily resembled laughter. He was still upside-down, but was no longer going to the bathroom. Instead, he was abusing himself with his little monkey fist, eyes locked on mine. The expression on his face was one of smug satisfaction.

“Al told me that macaques can live for thirty years,” Harry said.

I actually felt a little sorry for him. I moved cautiously over to the computer, checked the chair for unpleasant surprises, then sat down.

“Did you find the latest cell phone?”

McGlade nodded. “It’s in Milwaukee. Where’s Phin?”

I felt myself go cold. “Phin won’t be helping us anymore.”

“How’d you scare him off? Did he see you naked?”

“I didn’t scare him off. And fuck you.”

“We need him.”

“We don’t need him. He’s unreliable.”

“Hasn’t he saved your life a bunch of times?”

“He’s a drug addict.”

“You just figured that out now? Of course he’s a drug addict. He’s dying of cancer. If I had the big C I’d be snorting so much cocaine I’d need two crack whores to help me hold the heroin needle steady.”

“There are prescription drugs.”

“We’re chasing a killer. You want him stoned on opiates? At least with coke he’ll be alert.”

“We’ll be fine without him.”

“Sure. Slappy can watch our backs. Right Slappy?”

We looked at Slappy, but he wasn’t in the corner anymore. He was gone.

“Uh-oh,” McGlade said. He grabbed something off the kitchen sink and tossed it to me. A Ping-Pong paddle. He also brandished one in his good hand.

“I’m not going to spank your monkey, McGlade.”

“I hope not, sis. That’s gross.”

“You know what I mean.”

“This is purely defensive, if he tries to-”

Something flew across my line of sight, and McGlade brought the paddle up to his face. A clump of monkey dung splattered onto it.

I quickly stood up and looked around the room, raising the paddle up over my mouth. About the only thing that could make my life worse was a faceful of Slappy crap, and I wasn’t about to let that happen.

“Where is he?” I said, justifiably paranoid. “I don’t see him.”

“We should get back to back,” Harry said. “Then he can’t sneak up on us.”

I nodded, backing into Harry, my eyes scanning the RV for any movement.

“Let’s go up to the cab. We can close the door so he can’t get us.”

“Good call.”

We walked cautiously over to the front of the Crimebago, my senses hyper-alert, like I was in a gunfight. I felt things squish underfoot but was afraid to look down and see what they were.

We were only two feet away from the cab when the monkey jumped off the refrigerator and leaped at me, howling, fangs bared and eyes wild. He caught my paddle, and his teeth latched on to my knuckle. I shook him free and then ran, with Harry, into the front of the RV and slammed the door behind me.