I jerked my head back. “Why is that such a big deal? That whole town back there is filled with dhampirs who aren’t guardians.” I still thought Mark was a nice guy, but being preached to always irritated me.

“Yes, but they’ve chosen to settle down. You… and others like you… you become vigilantes of sorts. You’re obsessed with hunting Strigoi on your own, with personally setting out to right the wrongs that whole race has brought down upon us. That can only lead to trouble. I see it all the time.”

“All the time?” I asked, startled.

“Why do you think guardian numbers are dwindling? They’re leaving to have homes and families. Or they’re going off like you, still fighting but answering to no one-unless they’re hired to be bodyguards or Strigoi hunters.”

“Dhampirs for hire…” I suddenly began to understand how a non-royal like Abe had gotten his bodyguards. Money could make anything happen, I supposed. “I’ve never heard of anything like that.”

“Of course not. You think the Moroi and other guardians want that widely known? Want to dangle that in front of you as an option?”

“I don’t see what’s so wrong with Strigoi hunting. We’re always defensive, not offensive, when it comes to Strigoi. Maybe if more dhampirs set out after them, they wouldn’t be such a problem.”

“Perhaps, but there are different ways of going about that, some better than others. And when you’re going out like you are-with a heart filled with sorrow and revenge? That’s not one of the better ways. It’ll make you sloppy. And the shadow-kissed darkness will just complicate things.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and stared stonily ahead. “Yeah, well, it’s not like I can do much about that.”

He turned to me, expression surprised once more. “Why don’t you just have your bondmate heal the darkness out of you?”

CHAPTER 11

I stared at Mark for several long seconds. Finally, stupidly, I asked, “Did you say… heal?”

Mark stared at me in equal surprise. “Yes, of course. She can heal other things, right? Why not this?”

“Because…” I frowned. “That doesn’t make any sense. The darkness… all the bad side effects… those come from Lissa. If she could just heal it, why wouldn’t she heal it out of herself?”

“Because when it’s in her, it’s too ingrained. Too tied into her being. She can’t heal it the way she can other things. But once your bond has pulled it into you, it’s like any other sickness.”

My heart was pounding in my chest. What he was suggesting was too ridiculously easy. No, it was just ridiculous, period. There was no way after all that we’d been through that Lissa could heal that rage and depression the way she could a cold or a broken leg. Victor Dashkov, despite his wicked schemes, had known an astonishing amount about spirit and had explained it to us. The other four elements were more physical in nature, but spirit came from the mind and soul. To use that much mental energy-to be able to do such powerful things-couldn’t be done without devastating side effects. We’d been fighting those side effects from the beginning, first in Lissa and then in me. They couldn’t just go away.

“If that were possible,” I said quietly, “then everyone would have done it. Ms. Karp wouldn’t have lost her mind. Anna wouldn’t have committed suicide. What you’re saying is too easy.” Mark didn’t know who I was talking about, but clearly it didn’t matter for what he wanted to express.

“You’re right. It’s not easy at all. It requires a careful balance, a circle of trust and strength between two people. It took Oksana and me a long time to learn… many hard years…”

His face darkened, and I could only imagine what those years had been like. My short time with Lissa had been bad enough. They’d had to live with this a lot longer than we had. It had to have been unbearable at times. Slowly, wonderingly, I dared to give credence to his words.

“But now you guys are okay?”

“Hmm.” There was a flicker of a wry smile on his lips. “I’d hardly say we’re perfectly okay. There’s only so much she can do, but it makes life manageable. She spaces out the healings as long as we can handle it, since it takes a lot out of her. It’s draining, and it limits her overall power.”

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged. “She can still do the other things… healing, compulsion… but not to the levels she would if she wasn’t always healing me.”

My hope faltered. “Oh. Then… I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to Lissa.”

“Compared to what she’s doing to you? Rose. I have a feeling she’d think it was a fair trade.”

I thought back to our last meeting. I thought about how I’d left her there, despite her begging. I thought about the lows she’d been experiencing in my absence. I thought about how she’d refused to heal Dimitri when I’d thought there might still be hope for him. We’d both been bad friends.

I shook my head. “I don’t know,” I said in a small voice. “I don’t know if she would.”

Mark gave me a long, level look, but he didn’t push me on the matter. He glanced up at the sun, almost as if he could tell the time from it. He probably could. He had that surviving-in-the-wilderness kind of feel to him. “The others will wonder what happened to us. Before we go…” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, plain silver ring. “Learning to heal will take time. What worries me the most right now is this vigilante mood you’re in. The darkness is only going to make it worse. Take this.”

He extended the ring to me. I hesitated and then reached for it. “What is it?”

“Oksana infused it with spirit. It’s a healing charm.”

Once again, shock ran through me. Moroi charmed objects with elements all the time. Stakes were charmed with all four of the physical elements, making them lethal to Strigoi. Victor had charmed a necklace with earth magic, using the base nature of earth to turn the necklace into a lust charm. Even Sydney’s tattoo was a charm of sorts. I supposed there was no reason that spirit couldn’t charm objects too, but it had never occurred to me, probably because Lissa’s powers were still too new and too foreign.

“What’s it do? I mean, what kind of healing?”

“It’ll help with your moods. It can’t get rid of them, but it’ll lessen them-help you think more clearly. Might keep you out of trouble. Oksana makes these for me to help between healings.” I started to slip it on, but he shook his head. “Save it for when you really feel out of control. The magic won’t last forever. It fades just like any other charm.”

I stared at the ring, my mind suddenly open to all sorts of new possibilities. A few moments later, I slipped it into my coat pocket.

Paul stuck his head out the back door.

“Grandmother wants to leave now,” he told me. “She wants to know why you’re taking so long and said to ask why you’d make someone as old as her keep waiting and suffering with her back.”

I recalled how fast Yeva had been walking while I struggled to keep up with my load. Her back hadn’t seemed all that bad to me, but again, I remembered that Paul was only the messenger and spared him my commentary.

“Okay. I’ll be right there.” When he was gone, I shook my head. “It’s hard being worthy.” I moved toward the door, then gave Mark a backward glance, as a random thought occurred to me. “You’re telling me that going off on your own is bad… but you aren’t a guardian either.”

He smiled at me again, one of those sad, wry smiles. “I used to be. Then Oksana saved my life. We bonded and eventually fell in love. I couldn’t stand to be separated from her after that, and the guardians would have assigned me elsewhere. I had to go.”

“Was it hard to leave them?”

“Very. Our age difference made it even more scandalous.” A strange chill ran through me. Mark and Oksana were the embodiment of the two halves of my life. They fought against a shadow-kissed bond as Lissa and I did and also faced the same condemnation for their relationship that Dimitri and I had. Mark continued, “But sometimes, we have to listen to our hearts. And even though I left, I’m not out there recklessly going after Strigoi. I’m an old man living with the woman he loves and tending his garden. There’s a difference-don’t forget that.”