J.S. shook her head. "I have to think. And of course I'm upset. You just asked me to imagine the worst of everyone I work with in the place where I have never been happier." She managed to bestow an angry edge to every second syllable.
Janet forced a smile and hoped it showed in her eyes. After so many months in a mask, the tiny movement against the material irritated her lips and cheeks. She reached to take J.S.'s hand, instinctively wanting to comfort her. But those same instincts told her that J.S. had thought of someone and kept back the name. "Anyone whom you come up with need never know we checked him or her out," she said, admiring the woman's natural reluctance to implicate colleagues, "provided, of course, there's been no crime committed-"
"Excuse me, Dr. Graceton!" a woman's voice called from somewhere outside the cubicle.
Janet got up and parted the curtains.
A silver-haired nurse wearing wire-rimmed spectacles, the lenses tinted a matching gray, stood at the workstation, phone in hand.
Behind her the banks of monitors recorded the progress of this evening's patients, the fluorescent green squiggles heaping beat upon beat in a steady ticker tape of rising and falling fortunes.
"Dr. Garnet's on the line," she said. "It's urgent."
9:45 p.m.
Had Graceton believed her?
Jane couldn't tell, never having been a good liar.
Nor was she in any shape to deal with this. Last night they'd curetted away much more than the remnants of an unborn child. She felt completely hollowed out, emptied of her spirit and cored of its strength, her courage no more substantial than an eggshell, its contents sucked dry. Yet when Graceton asked if anyone always seemed to be around, she'd found the heart to cover up for him.
His name naturally came to mind, and of course she wouldn't mention it. Couldn't. Because ever since Susanne had told her he could marry like any other man, she'd realized he'd been coming around all this time to see her. Not an oh-my-God-what-am-l-going-to-do-about-it? type of realization. Just a quiet awareness of his attraction to her that she enjoyed, savored even, both flattered by it, and comfortable that he'd never make her act on it or put pressure on her to betray
Thomas. She could indulge in the pleasant boost to her ego that came with having a strong, handsome man like him drawn to her, safe in the knowledge he'd do everything necessary, including keep a certain distance, so as not to complicate her life. In return, he'd be the last person she would cause trouble for. Besides, whoever they were after, Jimmy wouldn't be the guy. He couldn't have anything to do with killing people. But if not him, then who?
During the day and earlier in the evening, dozens of nurses and colleagues had dropped by on their breaks to wish her well. As tiring as the visits were, she'd welcomed their company. Now she found herself wondering if one of them had been the murderer. She also remembered Susanne's concern over all the missing syringes. It frightened her how, in spite of her reluctance, she came up with doubts about many of the people she worked with. And if her imagination could run loose like that, someone might do the same against her, and probably would, once word of the cluster study got out. She shuddered at the prospect of a public rending. But it's only a matter of time, she thought, however much Graceton promised to protect her. Secrets didn't stay secret at St. Paul's, especially not those kind. And once suspicions about someone took hold, they could feed on themselves and grow like a cancer. Anybody could make a case about anybody.
So should she warn Jimmy? Give him a heads-up that Dr. G., Dr. Graceton, and Thomas were comparing her schedule to others' and any matches could mean big trouble for him as well? Even without a cluster study, sooner or later it might occur to someone how often Jimmy showed up whenever she worked, day or night.
Except…
The image of when she had walked in and caught him going through the utility cupboard popped to mind.
Later she'd told herself that his story about the urine cup and a pending medical checkup had just been another excuse to drop around and see her, like the earring business.
Now she fell prey to thinking the worst.
God, what's the matter with me? she reprimanded herself, and felt sick at having, even for a second, allowed that there could ever be a connection. She'd certainly never told anyone, especially Susanne, about finding him in there on the afternoon the needles went missing. As far as anyone knew he'd dropped by to get his ear pierced, and it should stay that way. No one would be given the opportunity to twist innocent circumstances against the man if she could help it.
All the more reason to warn Jimmy. She could just imagine the argument that could be made against him if some busybody had seen him go into that utility room, thought nothing of it at the time, but, on hearing he'd been associated with the deaths, had a resurgence of memory.
She grew increasingly uneasy, and not just about his safety.
Being afraid for him had also forced her to acknowledge more than she'd wanted to about her and Jimmy. Lying there, spiked with the aftermath of fatigue, fear, and morphine, she felt the gloom of the place close in on her, adding to her sense of isolation.
She wanted to see Thomas. The nurses had told her he'd been at her side all morning, until they sent him home to sleep. But she barely remembered his being there. Now she wanted to feel the warmth of his hand and the soothing sound of his voice.
Yet her thoughts drifted back to Jimmy.
Until now she'd only admitted to herself how clearly he sought her out; she'd avoided examining too closely how she felt about him. Graceton's bombshell galvanized her out of that convenient haze. Being frightened about his safety pushed her to face the fact that she'd grown a lot fonder of him than she'd realized. Not that she'd been actively denying her feelings for him. She'd just chosen to enjoy their time together and not complicate the situation with questions.
But now she had to accept that emotions might have matured well past liking on both her and Jimmy's part. The way he'd stayed by her side all night suggested a much stronger sentiment on his side. And the strength she'd drawn from the touch of his hand holding hers, the way his words had penetrated her fear, had reached her even as she went unconscious- She pulled up, surprised at the intensity of her reactions to him. They confused her.
Obviously I'm an emotional basket case, she insisted to herself, trying to blame her near-death ordeal for the unexpected feelings that were ambushing her from all directions. But she couldn't evade the fact that Jimmy had affected her far more than she realized.
She heard someone approach, and gasped when Dr. Graceton stepped inside the curtains. The woman's luminous, steady gaze and warm expression from minutes ago had vanished. She looked stunned, with her eyes blank and her face as white as her mask.
"Sorry, J.S., I've got an emergency." The words came out clipped and fast. "Sedation orders are written. Get some sleep. I'll be back first thing in the morning and we can talk more then." She wheeled and headed for the exit, disappearing out the sliding door in seconds.
Something must have happened at home, Jane thought. Otherwise why would Dr. G. be the one who telephoned? Besides, last night had been her last on call for obstetrics.
A terrible possibility flew to mind, accompanied by a sense of dread that made it seem certain.
My God. Dr. G., Dr. Graceton, and Thomas were working on the cluster program tonight. They might have already matched Jimmy's schedule to mine.
She rang for a nurse.
The woman with silver glasses and matching hair listened to her request, then tried to argue that Dr. Graceton had left specific orders there were to be no more visitors.